AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Hi OP. Thats got to be hard but you have done the right thing. Have you told anyone IRL that you made the report?

Seconding, you did the right thing OP. She obviously needs help and no it won’t have been nice for her son but the situation can’t continue. Certainly the children shouldn’t be sharing a room, so it may be that SS can get her the help she needs. You did it out of love and not malice, it was the right thing to do.

How does she know it’s family who called? Could have been a neighbour or DD’s dad/family members.

I can’t say I disagree.

Your poor niece in that environment @BetUWanna

Well if the meeting hasn't gone well for her then it only serves to show you absolutely did the right thing because social services agree with your feeling that she is not coping.

She will now have to comply with social services. As I say she will not like this because I suspect she herself has autism and her behaviour is all about her retaining control.

She doesn't recognise she has already lost control of the situation.

She is no good to either child if her son puts her in hospital.

Social services are not there to remove children. They are there to offer help and support. And to protect children at risk. They will not remove a child unless they think they are at risk. They don't appear to be suggesting this as yet.

Both children need to be in the system of being checked on because they are being homeschooled and your niece is particularly vulnerable and actively seems to have confided in you that she is unhappy.

I hope things work out for both you and your sister and your family as a whole. Well done on getting the ball rolling on making the changes that are needed to protect all concerned.

She isn't likely to find this thread is she?

Do you know what social services are planning?

No I haven't

I don't think she knows I think she's putting 2 and 2 together, she doesn't really have a huge network of friends. She does have friends but they are only based on calls and messages, she has absolutely no social life sadly.

No, she doesn't have any social media whatsoever. I've advised her to join some SEN groups online but she won't. She is very tunnel visioned.

I don't know what SS are planning, I made the report anonymously. They did ask if I was happy to be contacted again and they provided me with an email. Aside from that they just took the details I gave them and that was it really.

You did absolutely the right thing, and it was very brave of you. What happened when SS visited her is NOT your fault at all. It just shows how much the report was needed. You are a fabulous auntie, and your niece, and indeed nephew, are very lucky to have you looking out for them. Stay strong and be reassured you did the right and brave thing

Her social isolation and unwillingness to engage is also indicative of her own autism...

That's interesting as a few others have suggested this on my thread. I won't make comment as I don't know enough about autism to say either way. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but as far as I know there isn't any other autism in the family (aside from nephew and possibly my sister.)

You say there's no autism in the family apart from her son. Well that's a good indication on it's own to suggest she has autism! The fact you are diagnosed as ADHD only serves to support this as the two go hand in hand.

She'd really benefit from being assessed herself.

OP thanks for the update.

It is good to see SS quick response.
Doing the right thing is difficult. You have done the right thing.
SS see what they see during the window of their visit.

Reporting any other issues is important that you might see as that will help them to build a picture of what is going on and enable them to give the most appropriate response.
These are vulnerable and have rights.
You are ensuring their rights are been respected.
Well Done!

I think you absolutely did the right thing in getting SS involved, as it appears from your sister's comments that they will be involved with her family going forward.
She is really being very selfish not wanting to accept any help. Her son is clearly deteriorating as his violent behaviour is escalating. He needs specialist help and support. And her daughter is obviously suffering... school for her would be a welcome respite.
If she became too exhausted or ill to carry on as she is what would happen to the children then?
I think you had no choice but to report her, and appreciate it took a lot of courage to do it. Continue to offer support, it's all you can do. 💐

OK, so don’t tell anyone. Literally no one. Don’t let the guilt get to you because you’ve got nothing to feel guilty for. If anything had happened to your niece or your nephew, then you would really know what guilt was if you hadn’t done anything to try and help them.
Hopefully, the family will get the help they need and they will look back on it and your DS will realise that it’s a blessing.
Just keep it to yourself and put it out of your mind.
You’ve done the right thing. Your conscience is clear.
💐

The fact she's reacted so badly probably means they saw even more that you don't even know about. I'm assuming the visit highlighted a lot of problems and she's feeling as though she's been "found out". You did the right thing and quite possibly just in time as his behaviour is clearly escalating.

You did the right thing, even if it feels bad. Your nephew can now get the support he needs.

Yes I think you could be right with that. It's been really good to get so many different perspectives on this.

when I say my sister is shut off to the outside world I don't just mean being slightly eclectic and wanting to prefer holistic approaches or having no social media, it's very very extreme.

she believes the water we drink has too many chemicals in and she believes that's what's contributed to her children's teeth being bad. She at one point started brushing my nieces teeth with some bamboo contraption because it was better for her. When I had DD she sent me articles and articles of 'studies' against vaccinating her, as well as using specific spoons and cutlery that wouldn't harm her due to the chemicals in the metals. I was diagnosed with a very rare cancer in my early 20s. She told me it was my fault because I 'fed' the cancer with my lifestyle choices, when there was a clear genetic cause of my cancer. She won't be tested to see if she shares the gene by the way. She made me feel terrible when I birthed DD and vaccinated her with the vitamin K. See also whooping cough and flu jab.

I do believe in holistic approaches, cooking from scratch (where possible) and limiting processed foods. I don't believe in consenting on a child's behalf when they cannot make an informed decision about their future and mortality against diseases which have a quick fix of a vaccination. She leads a gluten free diet by choice which was an added load at Christmas for 5 days when none of the children are coeliac. She believes stones and gems heal wounds. We had a bit of a barney once because she washed an apple with her kitchen sink sponge, when I pointed out the sponge will have so much more bacteria in it than just rinsing it under the tap. She made so many comments about me formula feeding my daughter. She knew I desperately wanted to breastfeed but due to my medical history I was at the time on a lot of non-negotiable medications, I had to do what was best for me my daughter. All of these things individually aren't a huge deal, if someone wants to lead a gluten free lifestyle or believe in holistic approaches who am I to judge. But when it applies to nearly every aspect of her life it can be incredibly challenging. She never used to be like this before she had my nephew. It's like a switch happened in her head as she seemingly changed overnight.

I adore the bones of my sister. But it's been very tough to keep a relationship with her at times because as much as some posters feel I am judging her on my thread, it isn't a patch to what she's judged me for over the years.

sorry for the lengthy posts, it's good to get it all out as there isn't anybody I can speak to about this.
its a sad situation all around.

@BetUWannafor the sake of maintaining your anonymity and for you to retain your ability to help your sister and her children, might it not be better to delete this thread?

I think you said earlier that you’d got a lot of good advice from posters. I was just wondering that despite that fact that your friend isn’t on SM, someone who knows you or your family might be on MN and I don’t feel it will help what you’re trying to do if they find out that you told SS about her (before you’re ready to tell them). Just a thought.

Thank you. My sister doesn't have any social media or a part of any parenting groups. My parents also don't use social media but there's always a chance that someone somewhere could see this. I'm not concerned that it'll get back which is why I've shared what I've shared but if there's a chance it hinders her getting help or anything I will absolutely get it deleted.
If it's deleted can I still see the thread or will it be completely removed?

Hi @BetUWanna.

Thank you for your update. I can imagine you are feeling dreadful. It's a horrible situation for everyone. I would just say that you did what you did out of love and care. It wasn't a malicious phone call from someone who has barely met the child, who wanted to punish the parent because they didn't like them for whatever reason, for example.

However, yes, your sister's reaction was pretty inevitable. As I pointed out to @FunCrab earlier in the thread, she is likely to be feeling betrayed and paranoid right now. No doubt terrified too. I don't think her reaction of anger is necessarily indicative of guilt. I think any parent would feel the same way at having SS turn up on their doorstep! Even worse for someone who's child couldn't cope with strangers, without a chance to prepare him. But that's on how SS handle things, not you.

As I said to @FunCrab, the danger is that she will isolate herself further - why I was worried/am worried about her suggestion to keep reporting.

I don't know what the right thing to do re telling her is. You know your sister best. Just bear in mind she is likely feeling mistrustful of everyone, which could isolate her further. She's going to be angry with you - yes. It may be easier for her to know though, rather than doubting everyone, with her head going round and round, trying to figure out who it was and exhausting her further. Just something to think about.

I have a family member who works with relevant dept. They say that the client's experience can largely be down to the personality of the SW. Some are great, and genuinely want to help, but unfortunately some are dreadful and sadly vindictive. At best, others can be condescending and judgmental. It would be lovely if they were all coming from a place of compassion, but it doesn't seem to be the case. It's a thankless job, in a system without real resources to properly help, and one which I wouldn't want to ever do, however. I have SW friends in other departments who are understandably jaded and exhausted, and admit they don't always handle difficult conversations well because of this, so something to consider too.

Please don't beat yourself up re Christmas. Even for parents of children with autism, it can often be a case of trial and error. You think you've got all bases covered and then you find a new one! It's just having the humility to learn from it. It's an ever evolving learning process as the child develops and grows. I see people have suggested your sister might be autistic. I have no idea. It could be that the rigidity is just exhaustion, and as others have said, she might have just hoped for a break at Christmas, with more people around to keep an eye on your nephew. She probably should have asked for that help first though. As with all relationships, communication is essential.

The call has been made and the visit has happened, so all you can do is think of ways to best support your sister going forward. She needs to know you love and care for her. I imagine she will be feeling really vulnerable right now.

Might I make one suggestion though? There's a magazine called Parenting Autism, which has some really good, practical articles which you might find helpful. You can download the first one free, which has tips on meltdowns and also explains things from the child's perspective. I think it just helps a bit in understanding the world of an autistic child.

Obviously, no two autistic children are ever the same, in the same way that we can have completely different personalities with NT children. People have a habit of preaching the merits of routine for example, not realising that some children thrive on variety. Some autistic children are really outgoing and sociable, which is often unusual, but struggle in other ways. Why the parent often knows best as they know their child best, so it's important to listen. Humility is really important for engaging with parents of autistic children as they are unfairly judged all the time.

Here's the link for the magazine. Autism Parenting Magazine - everything you need to support your family

I'm going to withdraw from the thread now, as I'm finding myself getting upset and irritated by one or two posters patronising and judgmental comments, who clearly have no experience with autism. Irritated responses won't help anyone and I have to accept some people have no interest in learning or listening, and will always judge, which I can't control. :)

I wish you and your sister, niece, and nephew all the very best. xx

The thread will be removed.
I'm so glad this has had a result.
I'm still of the mind that you visiting for short periods in a very casual way - you might be able to persuade her that this will encourage the social worker to think she's making changes.

It would be completely removed.

You did the right thing OP. The priority is that sweet little girl. Not your sister and her inability to be a parent.