AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

@JenniferBooth I'm not talking about an abusive adult. This is an autistic child who needs help not condemnation. What do you propose then?

See my post of thirteen thirty six today. Ive gone back over OPs posts and the boy is already violent to his mum when someone visits his home

PEGS Parental Education Growth Support has reported a one hundred and twelve per cent increase in parents seeking advice while figures released by Scotland Yard show that violent offences involving CHILDREN aged between TEN and seventeen attacking a parent or step parent have risen by more than sixty per cent over the past decade. In twenty fifteen there were one thousand eight hundred and eighty six reported cases compared to three thousand and ninety one between January and October twenty twenty five.

They do grow into adults of course. My concern is that people who bend over backwards to accommodate their child's autistic behaviours, like on this thread, will run out of options as the children become adults.

Imo it is unreasonable and impractical to entirely tailor the world to the autistic person. It's all very well to offer a bespoke care package at home, where the child is never challenged, when they are children, but it won't work later on.

So imobyou should accept you won't get a 100% solution but take the best on offer and get them into education, local authority services etc.

Autism isn't some ticket to a world without discomfort. We all have to do things we don't like. We have to push even autistic children to be able to take part in the world.

That might be taking them to a sister at Christmas but making sure they don't damage anything.

Imobyou can't give them a get out of jail card on things like damage to property. They have to understand it is 100% not acceptable under any circumstances and teach alternative strategies to boredom/frustration/anger etc.

@JenniferBooth I just read. I don't know the organisations but will be open minded and look. Your tone sounds really hostile to the child, however, and I've already expressed disagreement about your view on people not needing to adapt homes to make them safer when receiving children with safety needs. I found the TTC part distasteful. I doubt we will ever agree within the limited capacity of this thread and I haven't got time to engage further right now but I will look later to see what those organisations are about.

Edit. You posted while I was looking for your post. The stats are horrifying. We disagree about the solution. I would explain my thoughts more - they are not what you are saying -but as I said I really don't have time now.

I think you have misunderstood there is child proofing a home which means moving ornaments and anything dangerous that could hurt the child. Fine no problem. But with a child as violent as this boy is it would mean moving things like TVs and computers, Dismantling them every time? Really? Absolutely ridiculous And in my case im living in a one bedoom flat which many MNers never miss an oppertunity to gleefully tell me thats all im entitled to so the consequences of this is that i have nowhere to move larger items to.

Give him a chance would you?
Don’t write off an 11year disabled child.
Don’t assume he’ll become a thug.

So when you say in your OP

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

What system exactly has let him down?? If your sister doesn't believe in modern medicine, the schooling system or any other form of childcare then this is all on his parents.

OP was probably worried ppl would come on here and say she was being too tough on her sister. And tbf it was proved right

Do you have to be in the school system to get access to autism services and children’s mental health services in the UK?
I’m in Ireland and you don’t.

OP’s sister had her child assessed and diagnosed and received at least some training so it doesn’t seem like she’s completely outside the system.
She has a therapist herself too so it’s seems she’s not averse to that sort of help.

If he was in school, he would receive appropriate schooling for his needs. He isn't in school. His mother decides everything.

He isn't accessing clubs for children with asd.

His mother won't have it.

If he was in school, he would receive appropriate schooling for his needs.

DS was in school and didn’t receive appropriate schooling for his needs @Arran2024. We tried a number of placements. He had a breakdown in the end and was at home after that. His psychologist (from the public system) felt after several sessions that school was not the best place for him.

I think people who have no real experience of ‘the system’ can put too much faith in it sometimes. It works out great for some children but others, including my lad, are very let down by it. (I’m not in the UK but have read enough of MN to know there are lots of problems too regarding special ed.)

ETA I think placements can be a particular problem for children who have no intellectual disability but whose other needs (eg sensory, MH related etc) are severe. Maybe I’m wrong but that been my experience anyway.

@Arran2024 Not saying you have no experience btw. I think it’s clear that some people on here don’t as that is always the case in AIBU.
I think those who children benefited from a special school look upon them favourably too as is natural. Just trying to give the other side of the coin I suppose.

And what sort of chance does his sister get?

But irrespective of the diagnosis and any arguments around that, should the OP really put up with having her home damaged? Would any of us be happy with that?

Unfortunately this isn't necessarily the case. Lots of ND children in school don't receive appropriate schooling for their needs. Even with an ehcp in place - although that does at least provide a legal backstop (which the government is likely to remove for most via SEN reform legislation unfortunately).

I wondered whether this played into op's sister's decision to homeschool instead. Lots of parents of SEN children are either forced into, or choose to, home educate.

Obviously if the autistic child is supported so he’s not dysregulated that will benefit the entire family. She needs to be supported too. Sibshops can be helpful though she’s probably a bit young for them yet.

I can’t help think if the 11 year old autistic child were a girl and the 5 year old a boy a lot of the responses would be more supportive of the elder child. It’s not his fault he’s male, and having meltdowns as an 11 year old does not mean he’ll develop into an adult abuser.
As I said give him a chance, please.

No she shouldn’t have to put up with that.

There may be ways to prevent that happening without banning him (and thus in reality his mother and sister too) from her house. She said he had usually been okay there, on headphones etc.

I personally think the visit was too long and that he should have been supervised and supported far better while there. I don’t think I’d move straight to banishment if OP really wants to help her sister. I know she wants to help her niece but, realistically, I can’t see her visiting on her own.

I have two daughters with asd diagnoses - they are both adults now. One had a 1 to 1 TA in primary, then she went to a mld mainstream secondary, then college. Her sister went to a specialist speech and language secondary school.

I am not saying it's easy to find a school that works perfectly - we had plenty of problems at both schools - but I still maintain it's better to be in school than to home educate.

If you get a 1 to 1 TA, for example I don't see how that's worse than home educating.

His behaviour isn’t excused by being autistic, this is down to bad parenting. I can’t believe she didn’t discipline him when he broke glasses and peed on ur pillow, how scared can someone be of their own child, I wouldn’t want a child that am afraid of living with me, that’s just ridiculous, she just seems like one of those parents that allow the kid do to whatever with no consequences. It’s weird how she won’t allow u to have her daughter over without her presence, that speaks volumes.

There is no structured oversight of home schooling in UK.
These children are missing out on the social skills of school.
These children do not have a choice about them or their future because it is determined by the parent.
Some may recall the very sad story of Daniel Seabridge who was also home schooled.
It is worth noting what happened there.
Social services need to be involved at this point.

It doesn't follow at all this will occur. Some autistic behaviour is very situational. Also many kids with ASD finding the path into adulthood and grow out of behaviours in the same way other children do. Some don't. Some behaviours you might as well try and stop the tide. Others can be boudaried as you suggest. When parents don't react as you'd expect they may be picking their battles.

May I ask what experience you have of caring for or supporting autistic children? I ask because your post reads as simplistic, slightly patronising platitudes. Are you aware of how hard it is for many autistic children to find and maintain a suitable place in a school? The emphasis being on suitable.

I'm really sorry to hear that, @Breadcrumbtrail . ❤️ I so wish 'the system' was the easy solution people would like it to be. xx

Hi everyone, I haven't read through the rest of the new posts as I had to step away for a while. I do have a little update on whoever wanted one.

my sister has been visited by SS. I gather it hasn't gone well for her from her reaction. She sent a blanket text message to the whole family inviting us to come forward with who reported her as we've now quote 'ruined her life.' She stated that having a stranger in the house caused my nephew to lash out and become extremely violent to the point my sister got very hurt and whoever reported was at fault. That wasn't nice to read.

I also just wanted to clarify a few things. My sisters house is clean and mostly tidy, the punches in the walls and sockets are something relatively new. I was only made aware of the punches and smashed light switches after his stay with me. If I was aware of this beforehand I wouldn't have invited them for Christmas. I haven't been to her house in quite some time. My nephew doesn't wreck his own things and keeps his things tidied away. It's evident that those 5 days were too long and I do take some accountability for that. I did take anything that might trigger him out of the room at my sisters request and showed her the room over FaceTime to make sure it was okay for him. It's been a learning curve for sure. I just wanted them to have a lovely Christmas as sadly I knew they wouldn't be invited anywhere else. My nephew's behaviour has really escalated at his home more recently, it wasn't always this bad.

I FaceTimed as normal over the weekend and felt so crap about that knowing I've reported but I want to keep lines of communication open for everybody.

my niece looks exhausted. My nephew doesn't sleep very well which means none of them get much sleep at home. I have a spare room and my sister slept with my nephew and my niece (at her request) wanted to share with me. My niece shared my daughter's room but did come into my room on 2 occasions and wanted to sleep in my bed with me. I did get quite a bit of one on one time with her and some of the things she told me concerned me.

All we have done is replied to her advising to take the help they offer and to work with them but she has her shutters up and won't entertain any conversation about it.