AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Yes correct. My sibling has Aspergers.

We are a social animal and like other social animals, particularly primates, a social communication processing disorder is a disadvantage.

ASD 'type' traits have been observed in some sets of primates which of course put them at a major disadvantage within their groups/tribes and put a risk to their survival.

I suspect @BetUWanna thought she would be jumped on by certain posters on here if she just mentioned it was down to her sister.
Im child free so i wouldnt have children to protect but i wouldnt allow that in my home either.

So ppl should child proof their homes for a child they didnt choose to have. Perhaps relatives should consult us then when they choose to TTC After all if its going to affect the rest of us................

Well done OP.

Difficult but you did the right thing.
If doing the right thing was easy solutions to complex problems such as this would not be so challenging.
It is clear you care and because of this you went to SS.

There are safeguarding issues for all three People.
If something happened and you had done nothing you would have to live with ignoring this.
SS are the statutory body and it is in their hands.
Report again and again to SS if there are any updates you are aware of that would assist SS in any decision making.
Keep notes of what you are seeing.
Tell your parents to do the same.
Do not doubt yourself!

Well done.

Doing the right thing can be so so difficult but we must look out when children are involved as they rely on us as adults.

Not quite sure why you are ranting at me! I don’t disagree with you but as the law stands, she can put herself outside the system and has done so. I don’t agree with that as you can see from my post.

I entirely agree but I think there are lots of social workers who would also agree, particularly those in Disabled Children Teams.

Exactly what I think. In fact, social services really should be involved with this family already for everyone’s sake

As an autistic person myself with autistic children ranging from high functioning to extremely mentally disabled, i can speak about this from a very experienced position. If your nephew wasn't diagnosed until he was 8 then he is high functioning. He's probably got some issues around those things but your sister has just allowed him to be feral. I'm a very gently, patient and consistent parent but I don't allow destructive or poor behaviours to just take place. If it's my very disabled child who does become aggressive sometimes, I will remove him from the situation and rock him back and forth which he loves to help calm him. Tactics like that when theyre too extreme to understand. Even then, if he does something he shouldn't, ill say ah ah and he knows to stop and he has the mind of a 9 month old baby. It is absolutely possible to teach even the most extreme autistic kids how to somewhat respond to boundaries and other things.
I'm a high functioning autistic person. My kids are high, quite low and extremely low. All of them are well behaved because of our gentle but consistent approach. Your sister just doesn't know how to or want to parent her son. For instance if he's known to do these things then he should be supervised 24/7 to ensure he can't destroy people's things.
My son can't feed himself wet foods or chew properly so he is fed things like mash and gravy. There's no way id just let him slap gravy around like that. He feeds himself finger foods. He can't use cutlery so we help him with that. Your sister is just not doing what she should be and has no respect for you. Same as any parent that refuses to properly parent their neurotypical child.

I know your advice is well meant. However, put yourself in the parent's position. She will likely be feeling anxious and paranoid given the report was anonymous, although I am sure she will have her suspicions. Likely feeling betrayed. If she is feeling spied on by her sister, or parents, is she really likely to continue engaging with them? If, as you say, there are safeguarding issues, a family split/fallout is surely going to render the children more vulnerable?

Contacting social services for help and support from a caring perspective is one thing. This feels like advice to act as a police detective against her sister.

I don't know what the underlying story is. Neither do any of us as we've never met the family. But treating someone who has very real issues to deal with that most can never understand, like a criminal suspect, really worries me. Your approach feels stick not care. As you say, it's hard for the OP and it's probably best to err on side of caution. I just think there needs to be a mindfulness of any consequences. Hopefully the social workers will support appropriately.

Just another perspective to consider.

I wish your family well, OP. I know you are worried xx

Everyone has a safeguarding responsibility, whether it's family or not. You can't not report just because it's family. I have two adopted children who were removed from their birth parents partly due to reports to social services from family members. If birth parents hadn't wanted this to happen they shouldn't have been neglecting their children.

Big difference between 'people' and 'relatives' though, surely? We're talking about op's sister and nephew. When ds and dd were toddlers, my parents did childproof their home as much as possible when we visited, because they love their grandchildren and want to keep them safe. We're not talking about random strangers here, we're talking about family - blood relations!

"If your nephew wasn't diagnosed until he was 8 then he is high functioning."
I understand your reasoning in usual situations but this is a child who has been almost entirely out of the system (including for his birth?) It is plausible the mother waited to seek assessment even if he is severely disabled.

I also appreciate your personal experience and your view that even severely disabled children can respond to boundaries and be soothed from the most destructive behaviours. As a mother to multiple autistic children myself, and a professional in the area, I would say that there is very, very significant variation in presentation even in most severely disabled children. I've met lots of autistic children with severe learning disabilities who are reasonably placid and do understand boundaries (like you say), and I've met a small number with extreme and pervasive challenging behaviour no matter how excellent the parenting and therapies provided.

I understand that. It's not what I'm saying. As I said, it's probably best to talk to social services so they can check in, which the OP has done. I've no idea whether there is a real safeguarding issue or not. I just don't want the children and sister to end up being alienated from their extended family when what they all really need is a little extra love and care and understanding.

I've been horrified reading so much vitriol towards an innocent child. However upsetting, Christmas decorations are just objects. This is a child's life. I wish people would muster some humility and take the trouble to learn about why autistic children sometimes do what they do and the best way to help the parent and child. We need to look after the parent to help the child. As someone else said, a tough few days at Christmas for the OP is the sister's day in day out reality.

Very much so. Why wouldn't you? No parent chooses to have a child with extra needs. It may not technically be the wider family's responsibility but where is the compassion, the empathy, the love? If you don't care about keeping your own safe, and looked after, and that includes making sure the parent is ok, then what kind of selfish society are we going to produce? It takes a village to raise a child and all that ...

If your nephew wasn't diagnosed until he was 8 then he is high functioning."
I understand your reasoning in usual situations but this is a child who has been almost entirely out of the system (including for his birth?) It is plausible the mother waited to seek assessment even if he is severely disabled

OP says he was born in hospital.
Also that he’s fantastic at maths and reads and writes very well so I think we can assume he doesn’t have an intellectual disability.

’High functioning’ is often used to mean just this— no ID and no speech issues — but some people with this presentation can be extremely disabled by their autism. MH issues, which can be very severe, are more common in the autistic community. My own autistic DS, who does not have an intellectual disability or speech issues, will likely never be able to live independently.

This child may simply be dysregulated though? From what OP has said he struggles a lot with sensory issues around noise, flashing lights etc so I’d guess Christmas was very difficult for him.

there is very, very significant variation in presentation even in most severely disabled children. I've met lots of autistic children with severe learning disabilities who are reasonably placid and do understand boundaries (like you say), and I've met a small number with extreme and pervasive challenging behaviour no matter how excellent the parenting and therapies provided.

Abosolutely agree with this @StartingFreshFor2026. There has been an awful lot of judgement on this thread.

You’re right not to have him in your home; you need to keep your DD safe. I feel terribly for his little sister.

Your DSis should stop home educating and enrol him in a special school. If his behaviour worsens you should report it to social services so they can offer help to your sister and protections for the daughter.

Definitely!. In mainstream its just teaching assistants who don't really have proper training. In special schools, the staff are all properly trained. I'm so lucky with her school, its quite a new school which specialises in autism

Every word of this. My own 'high functioning' 9yo dd is currently not attending school (not my choice), barely functioning (getting dressed, brushing teeth, doing 'enjoyable' activities). She's also been 'in the system' since she was 4 and is still undiagnosed 5 years later - despite us pushing at every single channel supposedly available to us (now that's a laugh), getting an ehcp in place and practising daily all the strategies advised.

I agree. I'm glad you were able to get your child into a good school :) May I ask you how easily you managed to get your child into special school? For so many, it is near impossible ... So many hurdles to jump first while the child misses out on vital input ...

Absolutely.

You can't just 'enrol' a child in a special school.

When he gets older and maybe damages a larger object like someones car do you think the owner will say Never mind its just an object.

PEGS Parental Education Growth Support is a non profit organisation supporting parents carers and guardians experiencing child to parent abuse. Its services are free and available to any parental figure regardless of their childs age.

Respect is the UK charity working to stop perpetrators of domestic abuse Its Respect Young Peoples programme RYPP supports families where children aged EIGHT to eighteen are abusive towards parents or carers using structured sessions to improve family relationships. @BetUWanna

So many assumptions. Focus on the child and understanding why he did this. See if there's anything that can be done to help. Then maybe just maybe there won't be a damaged car. But yes, I care more about a child than Christmas ornaments and cars. I make no apologies for that.

So many assuumptions I wonder if this phrase would work on the Relationships board. Cos when someone posts that their partner has punched a wall its never its just an object or so many assumptions. Its ALWAYS he will be hitting you next.