AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

It completely depends on the child. Yes parenting can make a difference. But not work miracles.

I don’t like high functioning/low functioning labels myself for several reasons.

What I was actually objecting to is this idea that is sometimes presented, and which you seemed to be presenting, that autism is not a disability. A ‘superpower’ it’s called sometimes! That idea is a nonsense to me when I see the struggles my DC has to endure. Maybe some people are okay with the concept, but I certainly don’t think it should be generally applied.

You said it was offensive to imply autistic people can’t function properly?
Well, the fact is DC can’t.
He has no intellectual disability, but he just can’t. Most likely he will never live independently.
To say that he functions fine is actually offensive. I objected to what you said because people thinking like you do means his disability is not being taken seriously and the struggles he endures are not being acknowledged.

To be born with an autistic brain is not wrong but the current world is aimed towards nuerotypical brains

I hear too often that the problem is simply that the world is geared towards NT people and not ND people. If the world changed it would be fine. In my experience with DC this is not true. Most of the problems are from within (mental health related) rather than the environment for him, and directly a result of his brain being ‘wired differently’. I think looking at things as you do means you don’t really ‘see’ him or those autistic people who are like him. That is why I objected to what you said.

OP’s sister isn’t doing any of that though - she isn’t closely supervising him, she isn’t trying to stop him doing things. That’s why people are saying to stop having them round, because he is smashing stuff up and OP is expected to put up with it.

Agree with this. OP has done the right thing. That poor little girl is extremely vulnerable, the mother sounds like she prioritises the son, as she’s scared of the consequences when he gets upset.

Hi,

Autism is a legal disability but a medical neurological condition.

I have no stated it is not a disability. In fact I am a SENDCO and Inclusion specialist with 10 years experience and work with hundreds of families and dozens of schools in my current role to support families to secure diagnosis, appeal unfair treatment in school and improve educational outcomes for children with a range of nuerodiverse conditions and range of needs.

In my statement, I was making clear that autistic people are not deficit and should be viewed as equals and that adjustments can support them to cope and thrive within both the educational system and world.

As discrimination is so prevalent towards people parents may chose to teach their child that their need is a superpower, this is a personal choice. I actively work with children and young people to support them to understand their diagnosis in a format of what their personal challenges and achievements may be. I am a qualified SENDCO, Mental Health Lead, Mental Health First Aider. I have an in depth understanding of current laws, educational policies and diagnostic practices. I work daily in a multi dispensary team of phsychogists, occupational therapists and SALTS to support diagnosis and most importantly, I work with multiple autistic people and listen to their views.

Autistic brains do function correctly for their make up. The fact that we are not equipped for appropriate intervention, support and identification of need etc. Is what leads to core difficulties along with , in some cases complex needs in the four areas of need. However not every autistic person is the same or experiences need in the same way.

I am unsure why you are so persistently arguing against a post to ask that autistic people are not called high or low functioning , which is a recognised outdated and offensive term, to a person who has an indepth understanding of autism when there are comments above that say "he sounds like a cunt" and that the child in question is "feral". But clearly these terms bother you less than people valuing autistic people's strengths so I will not be engaging further.

I have autism and autistic kids, we are more Asperger’s (although that term is not used anymore) and are let down because we don’t look or ask autistic outside of home. Christmas can be a bad time of year for autistic people with the trees, decoration and over sensory overload/ over whelm. Not an excuse but may be something to consider with how destructive he was. I have a Christmas crash every year but am able to contain and control it with rest (I.e. not engaging in all the family visits like we must see everyone before the end of the year)

As someone with an ASD diagnosis (that I still describe as Aspergers) of course there are different levels of functionality.
I have a goid degree, I'm married, own a home, had a career till I burned out. It's clearly not the same condition as a non verbal prison who requires institutional care their whole lives. No changed world would make things suddenly easy or possible for the latter.

The root of the problem is your sister and her need to try and control everything. She doesn't want her children to go to school, doesn't accept conventional medicine and won't let her other child come to you by herself. There is support available but I suspect your sister would not want to access it. This is unhealthy for the whole family. If things escalate, social services child protection may intervene and he could end up in care. I doubt that your sister will listen to you, sadly. I can understand why you feel conflicted when it is your own family, but if your sister is unable to manage her son when visiting you, you are entitled to set boundaries. That also says to her that his behaviour is unacceptable and might give her cause to think. It's difficult for you x

To be born with an autistic brain is not wrong but the current world is aimed towards neurotypical brains

Guff.

It is never going to be an advantage to have a social communication disorder when you are part of a social species.

My ds and BiL are both autistic and "high functioning" and both have plenty to say about people who like to brand their disability as some kind of super power - or who think that a few adjustments are all thats needed to make them "normal". (They do both agree that if you could have the benefits of an autistic brain without the disbenefits then you could rule the world).

Wishing you could adopt your niece "tomorrow" is a bit of a worrying reaction, especially coupled with your musing that you think your sister won't let her stay because her daughter might prefer being with you.

I do think your sister's children need intervention from Children’s Services but removal should be the absolute last thing on everyone's minds.

You are simply operating within the current framework for describing and supporting autism - it doesn't mean it is the last word on the subject.

Many people do not relate to this framework. We found a previous one, which separated out Aspergers for example, as more helpful.

Aspergers was dumped partly because of the association with the man who described it and his Nazi connections. Many people were astonished that it was dropped and anyone with an autistic diagnosis was grouped together.

The current fad is to see problems around disability as a social construction. This is part of the left wing attitude to the world, which goes completely unchallenged in the world of social services, academia etc which develop these theories.

You may well operate within this framework. Those of us actually parenting these children can choose to disagree with it. No one consulted us when they got rid of Aspergers.

This also reminds me of my rather dysfunctional mum, who had my DN living with her for a year and seemed to think she could parent my niece better than her actual parents. I happen to think her parents made some odd decisions but they were her parents.

Really difficult. You re right not to let him back to your house. In the first instance I d support your niece with getting out of her house to yours, for frequent visits. She's got to be suffering.

I am unsure why you are so persistently arguing against a post to ask that autistic people are not called high or low functioning

@InclusionandSEND
Once again, that is not what I am arguing against!!! I have also spoken out about about the child being branded ‘feral’. It’s horrible!

If you read my last posts where I explained my position you’ll see that clearly, and hopefully you’ll understand better the issues I do have. Maybe they’re just about how you’re phrasing things? I’m not sure, but what I’m afraid of is that you’re not seeing autistic people like my son, and that’s worrying from a professional.

The fact that we are not equipped for appropriate intervention, support and identification of need etc. Is what leads to core difficulties along with, in some cases complex needs.
Again, I disagree at least partly with how you’ve phrased this. The identification and intervention and support can help. It sometimes helps a lot! But providing it often won’t take away core difficulties or complex needs. The outside world can’t always do that. Autism is within.

I think we’re just looking at things from a very different viewpoint.

An awful lot of autistic people and their families hate the ‘autism is a superpower’ approach (though I understand some will embrace it). But please be aware of the former group as well as the latter.

My autistic DS is absolutely brilliant btw, a beautiful person and one of the strongest people I know. He has to deal with so much on a daily basis. Importantly this is not only from the outside world. It’s not even mainly from the outside world. Autistic people have disproportionately high levels of MH difficulties compared to the NT population unfortunately.

The current fad is to see problems around disability as a social construction. This is part of the left wing attitude to the world, which goes completely unchallenged in the world of social services, academia etc which develop these theories.
You may well operate within this framework. Those of us actually parenting these children can choose to disagree with it
Thank you so much @Arran2024.
This is what I’m trying (and it seems failing) to explain.
DS’s autism is the Aspergers type. If we take all the issues with the outside world away, if we support as much as humanly possibly, do everything ‘right’, then, though things are undoubtedly better, my darling son will still struggle.

When you say behaviour and refusing you are making a judgement on the child like they could choose to behave differently, they can't, its a disability. He may have PDA which is a particularly difficult disability to manage.
That says there does have to be boundaries.
Is your sister scared or simply does not want to trigger worse dysregulation? Autistic kids need to be parented very differently and emotional development lags a long way behind physical development. He's getting the puberty hormones and physique but emotionally will be thinking more like a 7 year old. It is not a great age and violence towards parents is really common. Its frustration and poor impulse control not a desire to hurt them.

My son used to wee in the garden and could not tell us why. It just started aged about 9 and continued for a year then stopped. Sensory issue much like using fingers to eat. My son only uses cutlery if I am there reminding him. Smashing your tree baubles might have been him wanting to get attention and to leave and go back home. Christmas and times of upheaval and change are very hard. We do a low key christmas at home with minimal visitors its what my children prefer and they are calm and happy then.

I agree that you are right to not have your nephew to your house, the way he behaves there suggests he is not happy there either. He feels safe at home so isn't panicking and doing the impulsive things. Might not be great for your sister but a PA who can help out or provide respite at home so your sister can go out can be arranged through social services. His sister can then go out and socialise with her mum in time.
There is help available you just have to push hard to get taken seriously.
Meanwhile can you meet outside of both houses? In a park?

They sound very insightful.

When you say behaviour and refusing you are making a judgement on the child like they could choose to behave differently, they can't, its a disability.

We don’t know whether he could choose to behave differently or not. It’s perfectly possible for some children with autism to also behave badly at times - they are children! Of course it depends on how they are affected and their level of control, but if he is capable of controlling his behaviour then he can choose to behave badly. And common or garden bad behaviour should be considered very differently from the behaviour stemming from his autism.

This is an excellent comment.

Im afraid your sister is letting her children down badly. Her son needs to be in an educational setting to suit his needs. Her daughter is being overlooked it seems and will resent her mum and brother for this in future. She is the problem tbh .

Exactly. Hence my earlier point about walking a mile in another person's shoes.

That reflects society at large.

I hope people will think about what you've said. I've been horrified and disgusted with some of the comments here.

Crock of shite. The only person this mother is prioritising is herself. What's disturbing on this thread is not the concern for the OPs niece but the absolute lack of concern for her nephew.