AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Deliberately free birthing is irresponsible full stop. It is not a home birth. Please don't make false equivalency or confuse the two.

A mother who deliberately free births can be regarded as a risk and social services can be involved under certain circumstances. It is regarded as a potential red flag in its own right though is an automatic report and is legal.

A planned home birth or an exceptional fast birth are completely different. Both involve medical care or a visit even if it's after the fact to check mother and baby.

Freebirthing is regarded as dangerous because it brings into question the mental state of the mother, the capacity of the mother, whether the mother is being abused, whether the mother intends to conceal the birth or otherwise refused to engage with services (which by default do welfare and health checks) and whether the mother is acting in the best interests of the children.

Accidentally giving birth on your living room floor whilst waiting for the ambulance to turn up isn't remotely the same because you have fully intented to engage and do so immediately after the fact anyway.

Her avoidance of healthcare and school throughout her daughter's life is a massive, massive red flag.

Hi Op. This all sounds really difficult and I hope that some support is forthcoming after your report.

I was just wondering, when you do the daily video calls with your niece - have you tried to do a quick one with your nephew too? If he likes his iPad etc then this may be something he could do quickly - I appreciate that he may not speak, but even a quick wave from you to him etc as a starting point? He might find chat easier if you could message? Even sending skeleton comic pics etc - anything to make him less wary of you and more relaxed around you.

Also, are there any games or programmes that he enjoys that you could find out about too? A shared interest can be really helpful with autistic children. You could play the game with him etc?

Sorry if these are things you have already tried, but I thought that it might help with your bond with him.

@BetUWanna Now you've mentioned the free birth, it is possible that your niece is not actually registered as existing. This can happen with unattended home births - a friend of a friend did this in the 80s, deliberately in order to avoid registering her children and try to avoid the authorities (through the same kind of beliefs as your sister).
That's one to check with social services and possibly the girl's father if you are in touch.

But the catch is, my sister isn't really parenting my niece, is she? Or my nephew at that.

and where have you got the impression that I've 'cut off' my nephew? Everything I offer my niece, I offer to my nephew. It's not my fault that my options are exceedingly limited to him. And that does not mean my niece has to miss out on that basis. She has missed out on enough.

Hi, thanks for your suggestion I appreciate it!

out of say 10 FaceTime calls I probably only see him on one 1 at most. I always ask after him and offer to speak to him but I get told he has his his headphones in most of the time and it goes no further. But that's a really good idea about sending him things that he's interested in. I'm definitely going to do that. I will see if my sister can facilitate an iMessage type thing on his iPad so I can message him about his interests and perhaps he can respond in his own time. Really good idea, thank you!

You are certainly giving the impression that you won't babysit your nephew/take him out.
Offer things to both of them that you think he could cope with. Going to the park, separately if necessary. Babysitting him in the home so your sister can take your niece out. Going round to see them all so he gets used to you being there and you can see what does and doesn't help him. Sitting with him while he watches what he likes and listening to him tell you about it. Play a game he likes with him on his console or even just watch him play and give approving noises.

These are all ways that my DS PA got to know him and he is now very much part of the family, able to give us some peace and quiet and to take DS out. He couldn't do that when he first started with us. Step up for both of them and spend time with both of them. You will never have your sister on side if you don't.

i didn't know this about free births. In all honesty I don't really know a lot about free births and home births. My DD had medical input all the way through and my sister hasn't really opened up about her birth either my niece.

I just know she declined nearly all medical intervention and only had a hired doula at her birth with my niece.

I have explained here so many times but it's evidently not enough.
I have offered EVERYTHING to him, that I do my niece. I have offered to take him out, to pay for his swimming lessons, to speak to him on every FaceTime call, to buy the specific Christmas and birthday presents he asks for.

I can no longer offer to 'babysit' him because no one can go into his home without him becoming agitated and violent. I cannot simply go round and babysit him as I don't put myself in the firing line of a 5'4 well built male. You should know it's not that simple. He currently kicks off at the sound the intercom buzzer in his home and deliveries that knock on the door.

what would you like me to do? What can I offer him aside from financial support and trying to keep the line of communication open? I'm genuinely open to suggestions here hence why I posted but everything you have said won't currently work and isn't an option.

i am trying really hard here not to get offended by some of the comments here. But telling me to 'step up' when I have done more for that family than their own fathers do, that comment is incredibly tasteless. A lot of people have walked away from the family, I never have. So respectfully, please don't tell
me to 'step up.'

I considered this but discounted it on the basis that it's financially beneficial for the sister to have registered the birth and she had got a diagnosis for her son in order to access financial support. She is motivated by the economic benefits of the system.

I’m with you on this.

I think such comments are likely from parents of children send who are projecting themselves into your scenario. Perhaps they are worried their own family members might be feeling similarly to you.

I genuinely don't think there is much more you CAN do.

You can only help someone who wants help. Your sister is refusing this. Having her and the children stay with you isn't helping. It's only causing more issues.

Some of us are actually reading the thread.

As a parent of an Autistic young adult and a sister to an adult autistic, I can tell you about my experience.
As a child my sister was often violent and angry. From learning with and from my own child I use the 'Iceberg theory' as it's really helpful. The behaviour above the water (the visible part of the iceberg) is a indication for what's going on underneath the water (the invisible part of the iceberg) in short it means there will be something triggering this young man with his behaviour, perhaps he overwhelmed and is he saying in his own way he doesn't want to be in your home, he likely feels more comfortable being in his own home, in my experience there will always be a reason behind difficult behaviour. His Mum could also give him clear expectations about visiting you, then support him to understand when doing things outside of his usual routine. You said he's an intelligent kid so it sounds like your sister can help him understand.
Your sister should be clear that unacceptable behaviours also have consequences (if he is able to understand this of course) and that he cannot just cause havoc, the meltdowns will happen, but in the long run she will be teaching him the life skills he needs to manage in the outside world. I've done this myself and we have a well rounded, kind and helpful 23yr old, yes we still have the meltdowns, which are unavoidable at times but with patience and understanding we always get there in the end.
Just for reference, five days is also long time to be away from home and his usual routine, perhaps start with an hour or two (if possible?) and allow him to say when he's ready to leave, giving a little bit of control back, can often work wonders.
Autism is complex and the needs for each individual with Autism are never the same, as a parent you are not giving in to the difficult behaviours, you will be helping them to try and understand and manage the reasons and feelings that come before the behaviours.
I will add that you sound like a lovely sister who wants the best for everyone, I hope your sister also seeks some outside help, it sounds like she could do with some support and guidance.

Sending best wishes to you all..

OP doesn’t mention NVR specifically but says her sister has already had training/classes for his behaviour (but that he’s too strong).

The fact she’s already had classes makes me think she’s already in the system btw though others suspect she’s not. I think people who haven’t experience of this sort of thing overestimate the amount of help that’s available sometimes. You’re largely on your own in my experience.

my sister receives a specific benefit for my nephew, I'm assuming he'd need to be in the system to receive this benefit. I don't know much about it though so I could be assuming wrong!

my sister isn't really parenting my niece, is she? Or my nephew

You said in your OP that the house was clean and that she worked hard to home educate them and that your nephew is fantastic at maths and reads and writes well.
You said she worked part-time to provide for them (while they spent time at their dads). That she has pursued autism assessments and appointments for her son. That she attended classes/training in relation to his behaviour.
She’s clearly not doing everything wrong.

I've not RTFT but wanted to add that the ",system " isn't always perfect. We have an ECHP review coming up and it feels like they're waiting for me to tell them how tk manage DC in school ! But I dont know! I'm not a teacher or an SEN specialist. If i could make him behave, I would! School sadly seem clueless on how to support an intelligent but disruptive autistic child.

As your nephew is good at maths and so intelligent, does he like sudoku puzzles, crosswords or quizzes? Some newspaper websites publish puzzles everyday which are free which could be a good way of connecting with him on a regular basis.

Allowing a child's teeth to become black and rotten and the other child's teeth to become obviously damaged too, declining any medical attention or treatment for treatable ailments, declining to vaccinate her children against life threatening illnesses, allowing my niece to have no toys of her choosing for Christmas because my nephew will smash them up, not allowing my niece to socialise with family to catch a break and some respite, are not sensible decisions when you look at a bigger picture.

their home is clean, but there's punch holes in the walls, smashed light switches and no safe space for my niece to retreat to as she has to share a bedroom or sleep with my sister.

no, she isn't doing everything wrong. I haven't said she is. But she is also letting those children down as many posters have said, resulting in a report to social services. It's not linear. It's not completely right or completely wrong. This is a complex situation and they all need help.

This is also a good idea thank you!
im going to speak to my sister this weekend and ask if she can set up an iMessage facility on his iPad so this would work well with that digitally.

Op you get really offended when ppl have commented on the different ways you might treat your niece to your nephew .
I'm not suggesting that you don't offer your nephew the same as your niece BUT it is clear in your posts that you have nothing but diadain and disgust for your nephew youve even gone as far as mentioning potential sa of your neice by him .
Its clear you are more bonded to your nice rightly or wrongly .
Obviously ss are going to risk assess now ,and hopefully your sister will get the appropriate support her and her children needed to become a happy more functional family ,however if she suspects it's you or any of her family of reporting her you will havs to prepare yourself to not be having contact with her again she's likely to be very distrustful of anyone she suspects .If SS deem her so incapable (highly unlikely) that they want to remove the children from her care they will go to their fathers or their families before yourself and let's be honest you wouldn't be prepared to take on nephew anyway .
Its so hard to comment on posts like this as we obviously only have your perspective and I do understand that you have a duty of care to the children but something about this screams you want the niece with you at all costs .

Does your sister have any idea what is causing the escalation in his behaviour OP? You said he used be able to visit you and be ok with his headphones etc and that this Christmas was worse than any other. The bad behaviour is a signal he’s not coping. If you/your sister knew why it was happening it would be easier to address.

I’d echo other posters in saying 5 days is a long time for a visit. Sometimes my DS is okay for the first day only. Did you notice anything like that when he visited, ie did behaviour deteriorate over the course of the visit?

You indicated he has trouble with flashing lights and noise. Could the chaos of a family Christmas have triggered the poor behaviour? Was there a safe space (eg a quiet bedroom) he could retreat to if it got too much? DS needs this if we have visitors. He doesn’t always use it but he needs to know it’s there iyswim.

I worry that he’s now finding deliveries to his home too much. Is it just the intercom that he finds intolerable? If he’s going through a stressful period (puberty?) it’s so much easier to be triggered by small things.

I agree with this.

It takes a HUGE amount of paperwork and advocacy to get a child assessed for autism and then even more to get support for the positive assessment. Especially when you are not in the school system and don’t have the school raising concerns and helping you push to get the diagnosis. It also suggests your sister is attentive and in tune with her children emotionally, as often parents can’t recognise autism in their children, particularly not the first born where everything is new / there are no benchmarks.

I would try to look at the situation objectively from a neutral standpoint. Your sister being anti-vacc and anti-traditional schooling may be something you disagree with but is it just a lifestyle choice that is different to your own or is it causing neglect/trauma to her children?

I think it’s good you have contacted social services so professionals can take a look and judge the above. Raising your head above the parapet and not falling foul of bystander effect is always a good thing, especially when there are children involved. I hope for everyone’s sake your sister never finds out it’s you who made the call (and I mean that genuinely, for the sake of your family
relationships).

If you are ADHD or autistic yourself I do think it's incredibly hard to engage with these services because of the paperwork work, advocacy issues and simply trying to get through on the phone. It's easier to disengage rather than try to navigate it because the process itself is so stressful.

It's a known issue no one wants to acknowledge properly and do something about.

This is a complex situation and they all need help.

Absolutely agree with that.

Could pain from his teeth be triggering the bad behaviour I wonder. Toothache is excruciating.

Agree completely with your analysis of the medical situation.

Unfortunately there does often have to be some compromise around toys if one of the children is autistic. The shoes with flashing lights you mentioned for example…though maybe she could wear them to her dads?

I also think a long weekend with relatives a few hours away (I think?) and away from mum might be a bit much for many five year olds. Mine wouldn’t have gone at that age I know.

Is it a two bedroom house? Is there any possibility of moving? You’re right, they each need their own room desperately at this stage!