AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7.

there is no other autism in the family that I know of.

I spent a lot of time with my niece one on one over Christmas. I don't want to repeat specifically what she said to me as I don't think it's relevant. She wants to come and stay with me and my daughter, she's exhausted and worn out.

I just hope they all get the help they all deserve.

ima bow out now, but thanks to everyone who's commented and posted kind words, words of advice and support.

I don't want this to take up too much head space as it's my weekend with my DD as her dad has her next weekend. So I'm going to come off here now as i think I've got everything I could out of this thread.

if and when there's an update I may pop back in the future.

thanks again all!

Your sister is either autistic or ADHD or both. I would put money on it.

just to confirm, no, she doesn't have the money to move. They are in a 2 bedroom flat. I have given her thousands over the years and so have my parents. I think if she could move she would've had to.

anyway, enough from me, have a good day all!

Enjoy your weekend with your daughter OP . This thread must have been exhausting for you. I hope it’s helped you and your family.

I think you sound lovely and caring and obviously very worried for your sister, nephew and niece.
Your sister is allowed to parent how ever she wishes but to not seek medical help, or vaccinate your children etc is pretty much neglect. She would probably have so much support if both children attended school but it seems as if she’s adverse to anyone penetrating her bubble. Is it in case she feels criticised I wonder? She’s effectively pushing everyone away that could potentially help and that in itself, isn’t helpful for any of them.
Autism aside, your nephew needs boundaries and because he doesn’t seem to be receiving them, he’s become almost feral in his behaviour. Why hasn’t she taught him to at least use a fork? And not to pee in the garden? That sounds like lazy, ineffectual parenting.
He’s already 11. In another few years he’ll be the size of a grown man. She needs help with him NOW and I agree with you that your niece (and your sister) are and will be, in danger. You did the right thing contacting SS. I hope they step in and support all three of them.
You sound absolutely lovely.

Deliberately peeing on something doesn't mean he's not toilet trained. He chose to pee on the pillow, he didn't do it accidentally.

I tipped the wrong box by accident- sorry poster I don't think you are unreasonable .

So we just let mentally ill people do what they like even if it's against their children's best interest?

Allowing mentally ill people do what they like is why vulnerable young women are having double-mastectomies too.

Mentally ill people are not in a position to make good decisions.

The state should not allow vulnerable young women to "home-school" their children. Children are not chattels. They are human beings with rights of their own. Their rights should be front and centre otherwise it's state-sanctioned child abuse.

You can usually change it, just press on the other one.

Failure to address your child's rotten teeth is regarded as neglect and is regarded as a reportable safeguarding issue on its own.

Social services seeing this and pinch marks in the wall and a child reacting violently to visitors is liable to result in intervention and the appointment of a social worker and required engagement with agencies.

So again you've done the right thing OP.

This is the biggest short-term risk and he is a half-sibling which increases the risk.

Just to mention that school doesn’t always adequately meet the needs of their autistic students. I think too many see it as a clear solution here, and while they could well be right, they mightn’t be.

We weren’t able to find a suitable school for my autistic child even after several placements, and one survey has reported that 75% of parents feel their autistic child's needs aren’t met at school so I don’t think we’re alone. More ND children are homeschooled than NT ones and that’s for good reason usually.

So, while a school routine may benefit OP’s nephew, it doesn’t always work like that unfortunately. It depends what the services are like where they live and what settings are available.

I think it likely her niece would benefit from school.

I hope things work out for OP and her sister’s family.

Then go round and spend time with them until he does become used to you.
See my suggestions above.

Hi OP I think you’ve had a really hard time on here, you sound so loving and caring and don’t deserve the goady comments.
I totally understand your concern for your niece, it must be heartbreaking for you, well done with trying to find a way forward.

I do have some empathy for the OP’s DSis, as I know what it’s like to face violence from your child. My adopted DD1 (now 16) was violent towards me from the ages of 6-10. She was also occasionally violent towards DD2 (now 13). That has stopped, though she still has angry meltdowns and throw things.

She did, though, go to school and was mostly well behaved; she masked well and used to regularly explode in a rage on the way home. A TA once witnessed her lashing out and told her off.

She was never violent in other people’s homes, thankfully.

We were constantly fighting to get her the support she needed, but she only got her EHCP in time to go to a specialist college.

The one this is really hurting is the OP’s younger DNiece. I’ve seen in the years since DD1’s violence stopped just how damaging it’s been for DD2, who remained scared of her.

I think they really should be in school, home-schooling makes this an appalling situation for all of them, especially the younger niece.

Terms like High Functioning aren't useful. He may be intelligent but he's acting out, clearly overwhelmed and lacking any boundaries. It's not healthy that he doesn't have formal education (whether at home or in an educational setting). He needs a support plan so he can learn to cope with the world and manage his ASD in an appropriate way. He is currently producing not only unwanted but inappropriate behaviours which ARE putting him and others at risk of harm. He needs ways to learn how to manage these before he does do serious harm to himself or others. He is really struggling to cope with his ASD and it won't get any better without proper support in place.

The peeing on the pillow and the bauble breaking strikes me as him communicating that he wants his Mum to give him attention and boundaries and actually support him, rather than sending him away with an iPad or just ignoring his behaviour. I'm sure he could use cutlery if he was supported and encouraged. I suspect his Mum is also treating him like a performing animal.

Are you even sure he IS autistic? Because this kind of neglect and poor discipline would make any boy feral, let alone an autistic one.

You are wrong sorry. Every autistic person is different

It really is such a shame for the young girl who isn't seeing what a healthy family dynamic, or male example/ role model is. It will undoubtedly impact her relationships throughout her life

Sje needs to send him to school.

Lack of parenting?? You clearly don't have any disabled children. It isnt as simple as that.

How heartbreaking all around.

I am truly touched by the OP’s level
of care, concern, and determination to do the right thing. There is a lot of love that comes through these posts.

Reporting the neglect (child abuse?) and dangerous situation was absolutely the right thing to do. My fingers are crossed that the authorities come through and help. This is an entirely untenable situation.

Reread the thread.

She doesn't vaccinate the children, doesn't give them medicine, doesn't give them an education, lets both kids have rotten teeth, there is no discipline and the kids are expected to sit on their arses on the ipads all day

That is bad parenting

Exactly, no experience of parenting a disabled child. Try and get a child with a severe disability to brush their teeth and atte d the dentist...impossible! Try and get a disabled child to not be on a screen and engage in an activity not of their choosing....extremely difficult....do you have a disabled child Joannatheyodelingcowgirl???