AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

It’s a ridiculous post.

Show an interest in BOTH children. Ask what you can do for your sister, how you can help the children. Can you take them (maybe one at a time) to the park, outside is often easier for children with sensory needs. Get used to both of the children. If you're a good parent you may have some helpful instincts about how to help your nephew. Your sister would get some respite.

You don't know all the ins and outs. But I'm willing to bet that other children from forest school are happy to be friends with your niece. She'll have opportunities to go to Brownies/Cubs etc where her mum doesn't need to stay unlike swimming.

Life sounds awful for both of them and you won't be doing anyone any favours if you just offer to help one of them.

Ok ; I have 4 ASD children, in SEN schools, and I work in SEN Schools .
you need to ring social work and ask for a assessment to be done; and be honest as you have here . Both her children need safeguarded, especially your niece. You do need to pick your battles but on this scenario, it’s dangerous and your sister will be on her knees.
this absolutely cannot continue ; there are options available to her but she needs to put safety first , before school, before everything.

I’m really sorry but the system hasn’t let her down, she has chosen to put herself outside the system and while she’s entitled to do that, it’s clearly had serious repercussions for her, her son and her daughter. The price she’s paying for that is awful but the children are also paying. There are support networks for parents and good schools for children with ASD and that would have helped her and her son. And ultimately her poor daughter. I’ve got real safeguarding concerns here for both children and for your sister.

It doesn’t and it shouldn’t. You’re doing the right thing.

You've done the right thing OP.

You obviously haven't read all of OPs posts.

@BetUWanna you sound like a very caring, compassionate and kind lady. I don’t have anything more to add as a lot of posters have said probably all there is to say for now.

I just wanted to say that it took an immense amount of courage to call SS on your sister, and accept that something is deeply broken with her. You’ve also, I hope, by that act, taken steps to protect your clearly vulnerable little niece. If I were in your shoes, I’m not sure I would have the amount of love and understanding you’ve displayed. Even though some posters have said some outrageous things, you’ve maintained your cool and answered with sincerity. I’m very sorry for your suffering and hope that there will be a happy resolution for both children, and your sister; that your nephew gets the care he clearly needs and that your niece is safe and receiving the love and attention a small child needs. I wish you all the best and hope that at some point you can return here and let us know what happens.

Pardon? Put the merlot down Mabel. !

Her children need to be in school, the son needs to be in a good special school where his needs can be met and he can learn social skills in an understanding environment. The home education sounds a disaster.

Yep. Her job is to protect her own children first. Always.

You did the right thing. In fact, it was really the only thing you could do, beyond just abandoning your niece and nephew to their mother's terrible parenting. I hope they get the help they need.

Children with Disabilities where the disability poses safety challenges and parents need help, should be assisted and the law provides for that. The local authority should approach this sensitively. Also if your sister has additional needs you can inform them and they should take it into account. Sounds like it needs gentle handling. You have shared a problem appropriately and very likely it'll help in the long run. Encourage her to take the help if she discusses it with you.

Totally agree with you, however I do wonder about the 7% who disagreed - how would react if it was their home being trashed and disrespected like this?!!😣

Thank you so very much. ❤️

Your sister might benefit from NVR - non violent resolution. My older autistic child has hone through phases of being violent and destructive and it's very challenging to parent her at these times. Particularly hard if there are siblings. NVR is a brilliant way to parent children and young people who behave like this because it helps you to rebuild your authority and maintain boundaries, particularly with dangerous behaviour. Camhs often offer it and you can do privately or even read a book. I found it to be life saving.

I've read all your posts.

Your niece has a father. Rightly, he will potentially be offered to be full time guardian of his child rather than you. You need to drop the saviour complex and focus on what is right for the children.

Well done on calling SS. I'm not sure how you reported anonymously but also told them you'd happily provide care for your niece? That doesn't make sense.

The 7% are the ones who prioritse their sons over everyone else's safety and rights, regardless of what their sons do to sisters, mothers or anybody else.

They're angry because OP would not tolerate their shenanigans either. Or they're just trolling.

what doesn't make sense? Yes I did an anonymous report. And yes would be happy for her to come to me. If it meant (again, hypothetically) that she was safe with me it wouldn't matter if anonymity was waved. I'm not dropping my saviour complex at all. If looking out for a vulnerable little girl makes me have such a complex, I'd take that.

Your sister sounds totally irresponsible. Chilldbirth is hardly suitable for DC to be present, surely? And free birthing is irresponsible in itself unless your sister had been assessed for safe delivery at home. What were her plans had an emergency caesarian been necessary etc?

It's also worth noting that yes, she has a father. But just because she has a part time father it doesn't extinguish other family members advocating and looking out for her. She needs as much support as she can get. Hope that helps!

Evidently so! Saviour complex is a new one for add to the list🤣

thank you for understanding I appreciate it.

My sister shuts down any conversation about medial intervention. She was 'open to the possibility to attend hospital if she felt her body needed it.' I don't really know what a free birth is but she opted out of the anatomy scan amongst other things. I raised concerns about the children not having the vitamin K shots but this was also shut down. She did have my nephew in hospital and it was by all accounts an okay birth but he wasn't given the vitamin K shot and was discharged pretty quickly. She also didn't have any whooping cough or flu vaccines. The children have never been vaccinated against anything. I've sent her studies and testimonies and articles. I usually get blocked for a few days and then unblocked again when this happens. I don't think either children have had chicken pox. I worry about their immune systems and how they'd cope with such illnesses.

I agree 100% . Autism and adhd is prevalent across my entire family and it’s never a free pass to urinate wherever you want and smash things up. That’s not to say those things have never happened. As a child my dsis was terrified of toilets outside of our home and would only pee in our nans grid. The front grid, next to the front door 😆🤷🏼‍♀️. That was 87-89 so you can imagine what my nans neighbours thought but it was that or she literally wouldn’t go the toilet. Never at school either. And we were all pretty much assumed to be neuro typical (but odd) as autism/adhd didn’t exist then. Both of her boys have autism/adhd. So do all 4 my children although only one was diagnosed as a youngster as it was so common in our family we couldn’t see the wood for the trees . So yes meltdowns have happened and damage has occurred but we have never ever tolerated any spiteful or malicious behaviour from any of the children whether nd or nt. and I’m certainly not scared of any of my autistic family members even though they are pretty much all bigger than me.

Yes I have. I've also lived this, though we are now through the worst and we always sent our DCs to school. We had no helpful input from any services by the way. It was us seeking out and paying for parent coaching that helped.
I do not speak to my mum for trying to do this exact thing: parent my DD, and not let ME parent her, while totally cutting off my DS.