AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Vaccinations aren't mandatory for starting school in England. I think it is the case in Australia and some states in the US though.

I did, yes.

As mum to a severely disabled child, this really touches my heart. You sound like you care but equally are in a difficult place.

It sounds like he can't be left unsupervised, maybe he has been okay in the past but this behaviour is inidicating he isn't at present. So set boundaries, kids need them even autistic ones - they just might look very different to Nt ones.
How did he smash all baubles on a tree without being stopped?

I'd still invite them round, but insist to your sister he needs to be supervised at all times - even if that means mum sleeping on the floor of his room (thinking about the pillow)

Your niece doesn't have any choice in this situation and your nephew is the cause. It's natural to be most concerned about her.

Oh wow I've read through your replies you must feel up the wallwith this I'd be the same.
You have done the exact right thing in calling social services.
It appears your sister is completely out of her depth with her son and desperately needs professional help.
Your little niece needs you so know you have done the right thing you could tell social services that she could stay with you for respite.
I would tell them you are worried for her safety and wellbeing.
Keep open lines of communication which you already are doing.
Don't feel sorry for your sister tell yourself this is what she needs .
Someone had to intervene before this gets even worse .
Big hugs you have done the right thing .. not sure if any updates x

Don't allow him around your own children. Your job is to protect them, no matter the reasons. You can feel compassion for someone but that doesn't extend to harming your own kids.

Your sister is a major part of the problem here. You need outside help to deal with her and her children deserve to be protected from her bad decisions and their brother's violence too.

We were all in a different room not in sight of the stairs. It was only a small tree with maybe 10 baubles on but it's not the point. It still was horrible and I was sad about the broken ones. My daughter decorated that tree.
the only place he's ever been is his dads he has never ever been away from my sister aside from that. Even when she gave birth to my niece. He was there present as she had a 'free birth' at home with just a hired doula. I don't think there were any NHS staff present but don't quote me on that.

Did you tell SS that you would be happy to take your niece? I’m just thinking if they do act you don’t want her in foster care after all this

Also, he literally picked up and smashed a glass in the matter of 2 seconds. It would have been impossible for any supervision to stop this from happening as it was so quick and in a kitchen full of people.

You cannot expect your sister to accept any intervention from you then. You can't reject one child in a family. It's not good for the child you favour either.

Yes I did. I'd walk through hot coals before letting her get out into foster care. The thought turns my stomach.

You have done the right thing. Your job is to protect your children and you are also trying to protect your niece. Your sister is the issue and you cannot fix her very poor parenting and choices - but others may be able to intervene.

That's on her then at this point.

I am SO much in agreement with this post!! That poor little girl breaks my heart, she is the innocent victim in this difficult situación, and living with her auntie would change her life.

Also, what do you genuine want me to do? Please explain.

You do sound a lovely, caring sister, mum and auntie and I hope this situation improves for all of you. Would it be possible to meet with your sister and her children in a neutral place maybe halfway between where you both live and maybe buy a skeleton toy for him as that is what he is interested in.

Yes that's a good idea thank you. I'll put it to her.

OP just to make you aware, there's a contingent on here (and you're meeting them!) who will always prioritise ND male children, often older, often violent, at the expense of younger, vulnerable, often female siblings.

I think it's completely understandable that you have bonded more with your little niece, and that your concern is more with her. Mine would be too - you sound like you're the only one putting her first.

So please ignore the posters who would see her thrown under the bus, to the point of making up bizarre rules they're trying to enforce on you regarding how you may or may not try and help your own family members.

Let's set aside the fact that he's ND - she is the one who is most vulnerable here, living with an older male sibling on the cusp of puberty, favoured by his mother, not even her own bedroom. I do think there's a not insubstantial chance she could wind up sexually abused by him.

The person you are replying to is pretending they don't understand how damaging your nephew is being to everyone around him. They are pretending that you can magically fix everything if you just #bEkInD

They are either a) in a similar position to your sister, making very bad choices and harming both their children and those around them, and trying to justify that.

b) a complete misogynist who always prioritises boys and men regardless of how dangerous they are to the girls and women around them.

Or c) they are just having fun trolling you.

OP just to make you aware, there's a contingent on here (and you're meeting them!) who will always prioritise ND male children, often older, often violent, at the expense of younger, vulnerable, often female siblings.

Don’t be mad!!

Can you point out examples please where people have said anything like that!

People have been concerned that OP seemed to be favouring her niece. They are asking her to help both the children and their mother if she can.

Yes unfortunately very true, as seen by the minimisers and OP blamers on the thread.

I have two adopted children, adults now, but anyway I know quite q fewfamilies with very angry, out of control children who are, or were, terrorising the rest of the family.

Social services vary in how they approach it and it depends on where you live and the local thresholds for intervention.

Maybe nothing will happen but it would at least be logged, and then further reports might eventually lead to something, so it is always worth reporting.

I've not read the thread and it sounds terribly hard
My instant thought however was for the niece .

Id pin the sister down on what's the issue with a sleep over ?
That sounds terrible to me this girl herself needs a break

Id be focusing on pushing that

I think OP lives quite some distance away so it would be a long weekend type situation which might be a bit much for a 5 year old without her mum?

There have been some suggestions like OP staying in a hotel near her sister which might work better possibly?

I also think people are forgetting that her dad is involved. OP says she sees him at weekends (or perhaps every other weekend, not sure) and 50/50 during the summer. I agree that of course she needs supporting and that things are very difficult, but some people are painting it like OP is the only one who cares for her and I suspect that this just isn’t true.

Brilliant post.