AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Maybe somebody suggested this already, but I think more helpful than getting your niece to come over to yours would be if you could go by yourself(or maybe with your shared parent) to stay at your sisters (or hotel near) for few days. You could look after your nephew while your sister could have quality one to one time with her daughter. I think you niece need quality time with mum more than with her aunt. I know it's not the easiest option, because you need to organise childcare for your own child, but this would be more what your sisters family and you niece need rather than you having a lovely fun weekend with your easy to be with niece and then sending her back.

You've done the right thing, OP.

Thank you. She would not let me look after either child under any circumstance. I have tried so may many times but I'll keep trying.

I don't know how nephew would feel as currently he doesn't like me, or anybody, in his home. But it's a good suggestion and I'd be open to it if she'd let me and it was safe.

Repeatedly offering to take the non-disabled child is probably getting towards offensive so stop. Passing your sister info about sibling support / young carers groups may be a good plan.

Agree with both points but sibling support starts age 7 where I am and DNiece is only 5. May be different elsewhere though?

I have offered to take both children many times, so this isn't the case.
nephew was young once. I offered so many times to have him for the weekend or at hers so she got a break and it was shot down.

You sound a wonderful auntie.
Offering up a prayer for you ALL. God Bless.

Thank you. ❤️

Sorry, I have no advice, but the situation sounds heartbreaking and thank you so much for being brave and reporting it.

If only more people would report neglect/abuse, instead of standing back and watching kids be damaged for life.

your sister is 100% to blame here. Sorry but she has chosen poorly every step of the way.

Very likely sysem but also poor parenting. There is no reason why an autistic child cannot use cutlery - should have been taught from an early age - or not clean their teeth (ditto). I think your sister would be better sending both DC to school. If she is frightened of her son at eleven what will she do when he is 16 and a functioning male with no understanding of other people's boundaries because he has not been taught this? Not only dangerous for your sister but also for you niece. A case conference needs organising because presumably there is a social worker involved somewhere here, and medication?, and decisions made in interests of both DC.

By not disciplining him, and letting him do what he wants, he’s turning into a violent nightmare. You do realise that once’s he’s an adult, he could kill someone either by misconduct, dangerous driving, negligence, or deliberately. Maybe that’s the answer: he causes serious harm and is Imprisoned.

Your sister should contact the doctor, social services, etc, although social services are usually useless. Also, there are millions of autistic kids in the UK, not all of them are anti-social. Your sister needs to install discipline on her kid and get him doing hobbies that takes him away from trashing places as he’s bored.

do not let him come around your place.

I don't have any advice, but it sounds as though the younger child is NT and also being homeschooled? If she went to school, it would be somewhere she could get some respite and have more of a 'normal' life.

His sister is in more danger, especially as the boy grows older. He has no boundaries, has never been made to consider others. OP's niece needs help urgently.

@BetUWanna

I don't blame you one bit for wanting to scoop your niece up and take her to your home. Frankly, it would be the best thing for her. And perhaps for her brother too as he wouldn't have her in what he probably thinks of as 'his' space. Your sister would be able to concentrate on him 100% without 'distraction'. Maybe then she'd see that he needs help she cannot provide.

You're a wonderful caring auntie to both of them. It takes a measure of love to admit to ourselves that someone is beyond our reach. And he is beyond your reach, at least for now.

Prayers for you all.

Natural methods are fine for simple things. But to not vaccinate her DC against diseases which can disable or even kill them is neglect. Is she not aware of the effects of measles, dyptheria, polio? These are only controlled because 95% of people are vaccinated against them (herd immunity). Irresponsible tbh. And it her DC go to school they will have to be vaccinated. Is that why she homeschools?

You cannot force her not to homeschool her DC. She is entitled to do so. But certainly, strong words and direction early on would have helped.

Oh dear this sounds awful. I agree you need to protect your children in their home. Also, he is 11 so he’s getting a big surge in testosterone, maybe that is making him lash out more? Maybe at this age his dad should be more involved and do more disciplining? Not saying mum shouldn’t but if it does come down to strength and size then I think dad needs to step in more. Could you suggest meeting out somewhere instead? Country side walk or outdoor park? Isolating them will be awful for her and desocialise him so as family best to try and keep helping but not at the expense of your children’s safety.

I understand how hard this is for you and how emotional. You obviously care a great deal about your family.
I do think you’re at a disadvantage because you don’t have the experience that comes with raising an autistic child so might possibly be judging your sister too harshly sometimes? Hard to tell just from posts on MN of course.

Just a couple of things…
Firstly, parenting a ND child often looks very different from parenting a NT one. Often the usual parenting strategies don’t work at all and need to be modified. So if you think your sister is reacting to a situation inappropriately please realise you may be wrong (you may be right too, I don’t know). Too often people judge parents of autistic children when they are doing the right thing for their child, It just looks different than usual so they don’t understand the process. Different parenting is not the same as neglectful parenting.(That said I am pro-vaccine and dentist so don’t agree with your sister there. Though she did say they’d been to the dentist I believe?)

Secondly, siblings will almost invariably be affected by having an an autistic sibling in the house. This is not a parent’s fault. They are often doing the very best they can. Things are extra difficult for your sister as a single parent who is often trying to juggle things alone. Sometimes the best thing is to compromise. Could your niece get shoes with lights to wear at her dads or could her dad have taken her to the swimming lessons? There is no point in having light-up shoes at home if her sibling will be in meltdown as a result. There just isn’t. It is sad but you do need to choose your battles and there are somethings that cannot be done and that’s the way it is with disability unfortunately. Your sister is clearly striving for a calm household as that will be good for both her children.

It also sounds like space/finances might be an issue. It would be good for everyone to have their own room if possible especially as the children grow older. Have you been able to discuss that with her? (apologies if I missed it).

I have a son with autism and it was a struggle with outbursts and meltdowns both verbal and physical from a young age. However the earlyish onset of puberty coincided with a major escalation in his behaviour and after struggling through mainstream primary school, trashing classrooms, making a nuisance of himself and refusing to comply etc, he was awarded a place in a specialist school and gradually his behaviour settled down to a point he could cope and progress. He still has difficulties but is learning to manage himself better now but is likely to need an advocate as he navigates his way to adulthood and beyond. I think at age 11, your nephew may be hitting the hormonal changes too, hence the escalation. Your sister needs to help herself and her son by seeking outside advice/help, she should also have an EHCP in place for her son and apply for DLA for him if she hasn’t already.
Could you meet in a neutral space such as a park? Her local council may provide a social club for children with similar difficulties for example the “Play Inclusion Project” and may even provide some funded hours for it.

She doesn't believe in the school system. She sees it as a 'one size fits all' scheme and doesn't feel like it will benefit her children
She hasn't given it a chance.

She doesn't believe in modern medicine, so she will only go to holistic doctors (she has spent an insane amount of money that she doesn't have doing this by the way). Her children aren't vaccinated.
So she is an anti-science fruit loop who wants to opt out of reality.

Although her son is diagnosed autistic and the appointments and assessments were initiated by her, so there have been some medical professionals in her life. She claims a certain benefit for her disabled child.
Funny that, when money was involved.

What other professionals are involved? - I don't know the answer to this
So quite clearly none who don't agree with everything she wants to hear and she believes.

typing this out and actually realising what I'm typing I'm starting to wonder if this could potentially come under neglection.
She is probably autistic herself and she displaying avoidant type behaviour. She doesn't want to engage with anything she doesn't agree with and has prejudged a lot of situations based on prior negative experiences in her life. She does not want to try anything new. She does not want to lose control in her life. She sees engaging with school or health professionals as losing control - which also explains why she DOES engage when its something she wants and is to her benefit.

She doesn't want help OP. There is nothing YOU can do, because she has to want that help. She is set in her mindset and I am fairly sure there's not going to be a cat in hells chance of you changing her mind on pretty much anything.

She is scared of her own son and won't challenge him. This isn't purely about his autistic traits. This is absoluetely about poor parenting too. She isn't setting him up for adult life. Whats he going to do when he's 18, want to go do x, y or z and then something happens he doesn't like? Having NEVER been challenged and always getting his own way doesn't end well. Its not in HIS best interests.

You need to protect your own family. You can not have a child who isn't being adequately supervised and behaves in this manner in your house. So again right decision. The fact others in the family feel the same, says a lot.

I suspect none of this will change until she reaches a crisis point and there is a criticial incident. She will only engage at that point because she is forced to and isn't given a choice. This is where it is scary because no one really wants to consider what this might be. She has another child in the house who also needs safeguarding from her brother - a child who has no outside 'trusted adult' whom she can confide in and explain whats happening at home. So yes I echo comments about making sure social services have her on the radar and think you have done the right thing. And I thought this before reading your update at 19:50 today about the conditions your sister is living in. That only serves to reinforce my opinion on that. I suspect your sister will probably manage to talk her way out of social services at first contact. So be prepared for this too. It won't be until there is a later incident(s) that it will all come out and I do think they will come in time as there is an inevitability to this because shes simply not dealing with his current behaviour. The fact you have highlighted the problem now, can only help though.

Keep in touch by messages as best you can even if it strains the relationship and realise there probably really is a limit to what more you can do at this stage.

Did you warn social services that your nephew becomes violent to visitors in the house? I’m hoping that he doesn’t attack whoever visits the family.

Weirdly this wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing - it would highlight the problem...

Oh thank you. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. ❤️

I think you could be onto something there. I've never thought of it to be that way. Thank you, definitely food for thought.

I've never met either of the dads and they are by all my sisters accounts strained on each side. I have thought about reaching out to him but I know my sister will go ballistic.

and if he's only having nephews 4 days a month I don't think he will give a shit.
but who knows at this point it might be my sister that put the every other weekend in place. I guess he could apply through court for more custody. It's something to think about but it will be a last resort as I know that will severe the relationship completely.