AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Your sister is using her visits with you as a break for herself. He doesn't smash up her house no doubt because she supervises him at home but when she comes to yours she doesn't care if your house gets smashed up and prefers to have a break from supervising him. Completely understandable but not remotely acceptable. If she won't supervise him properly (or can't) then she cannot bring him to yours. As to your relationship with her it's not just your problem to solve. What is she doing to try and solve the problem?

You say your sis has had a difficult childhood .
Do you think she maybe wary of professional involvement ?

I wouldn't allow him in my home. No way.

I'm a SEND teacher.
You need to speak to.your sister firmly about getting both kids in school.
Look at contacting local send support services they may not know your niece and nephew exist and if your niece is a victim to domestic violence from her brother this needs to be raised .
Your nephew's behaviour isn't acceptable

Presumably your sister is also neglecting her daughter's health needs.
Would she ever take her to a dentist ?
Your sister sounds mentally disordered.
Some of it reminds me of the tragic case of paloma shemirani. Obviously that is the utter extreme of deluded non medicine but your sisters children are suffering serious neglect due to her woo beliefs.
They won't get a second chance at childhood.
Or their own teeth.
I hope social services can intervene effectively to help these children.
If they don't could would you consider legal action?
All the best.

Her sister is not in a position to help the situation - that's the root of the problem.

If her own family does not help her - there is very little chance of anyone else lifting a finger.

I have two sisters like her. I took the tough love approach very early on as I could see what was ahead. One did not have children at all thankfully and the other one stopped after one, whom she was predictably unable to look after on her own. They were both lucky to have siblings who could and did step in - it's a huge investment in time and energy and is emotionally draining over the years.

Doctors, nurses, teachers and social workers all know these women on sight.
They are not hard to identify.
They need robust support not meaningless vacuous "kind" words.

Direct communication is essential as subtle, indirect, polite middle-class communication does not work. It's like a foreign language.

These women need contraception adapted to their needs such as the coil. Hoping they remember to take the pill every day is just wishful thinking and shows a lack of understanding of what vulnerable means in an adult female.

There are many many women like OP's sister in the country.
She has been failed by social services a long time ago and the problem continues on to the next generation. There is no valid reason for allowing a vulnerable single mother to "home-school" her children and especially not one who has been diagnosed as autistic.

That is a complete abdication of responsibility by the state.

Op in getting this vibe from your thread too .
Apologies if I'm wrong but you seem a bit obsessed with having your niece .
I'm also not marrying your sis managing to homeschool her son to the point he's a excellent writer and reader but she's neglecting him .
Sorry something feels a bit off to me ,but hopefully ss will get to the truth of it all ,I just hope it doesn't impact all of your relationships together as a family .

So you don't think children with autism should be parented ot told no or made to brush there teeth or shouldn't be supervised so they are able to damage someone elses property. This isn't autism this is parenting failures. I know plenty of autistic people who are amazing as they where parented appropriately I also know plenty of NT people who are awful human beings because they weren't

@Eskarina1 thank you, you’ve given me a phrase I needed tonight. I’m a mum before I’m… lots of other things I’m being asked to be at the moment.

Visiting you for Christmas = too much for your nephew at the moment. That's something to be worked on. Really your sister needs some professional behaviour management advice and a plan for helping him be more regulated when other people visit his house as well as when he goes elsewhere. Your house being a long distance away probably isn't the place to start regardless of other considerations like your daughter and the extent of modifications you'd need to make.

That gives you information to plan Christmas 2026 in less distressing ways.

Discipline is likely to look different for an autistic child than a neurotypical one, though yes should still be in place. There's likely to be a need to explicitly teach him things he's allowed to do when he's overwhelmed to help him calm that don't damage other people's things.

You can probably bond with your nephew over his special interests - again the connection might look different to the one you have with your niece but it will be just as real. If you have a safe online way to connect with your sister supervising his end you could eg. play chess together. Try to meet him where he is.

Repeatedly offering to take the non-disabled child is probably getting towards offensive so stop. Passing your sister info about sibling support / young carers groups may be a good plan.

Social care may be less helpful than you'd like and certainly may be slower than you'd like.

Just because you know people with autism doesn’t mean you know all people with autism. Not all people with autism and neurodiversity are the same or have the same level of need! You are suggesting some ‘proper’ parenting would solve everything. Thats like telling a volcano to stop erupting or someone to stop being anxious or depressed. Dont worry though you aren’t alone in your ignorance- there’s some truly worrying and archaic thinking in this post - and from people who claim to be professionals. Perhaps the OP should be asking what she can do to help rather than going on a witch hunt.

So you think op sister is a good parent? You didn't answer any of my questions. You think because a child has autism you don't have to parent them this is failing the child.

He’s pre puberty, try and remember that: Hormonnes affect autistic children too. So his behaviour is already challenging, throw in what’s starting to happen to his body , it’s going to be worse.
i have no advice, just hoping your sister can navigate her way through this

Well done, I know doesn't feel like it but you've done a good thing, for all of them.
I hope you don't mind me peeping up, but if you really do not want her to know, I wouldn't tell your shared parent either. Not yet. Things do get have a habit of coming out, unless you're the only person who knows. I'd hate for you to get a huge fall out for doing the right thing.
Take care OP. If you ever get a chance in the future, would you let us know how the family get on? Everything crossed for them and the children's safety and happiness.

Okay so I seem to be getting back lash about only showing concern about my niece. I posted on this thread because I am genuinely concerned about all of them. My sister, my nephew and my niece. I made an anonymous report to social services about the whole family, because I believe the whole family need intervention.
many many posters expressed specific concern about my niece specifically which I also share the same concern.
she is letting them both down by failing do the things listed on this thread. When I say her love revolves around my nephew, I don't mean basic needs being met.
I mean (these are real examples) not being able to get my niece the Christmas present she was desperate for, because nephew wouldn't like it. She wanted swimming lessons. I offered to pay for a years lessons for her, as neither children can swim. I was told no for this because nephew would not cope with going to a pool. She wanted a set of chalk paints and an A frame. I was advised not to get this because nephew would destroy it. Niece cannot take her turn to have something on the family telly, because nephew will kick off. (Literally, not just shouting.) she isn't allowed trainers with flashing lights, because nephew won't deal with it. She just allowed to speak too loudly because nephew can't deal with it. If she gets upset or cries about something, nephew kicks off at the noise. I spent a lot of lovely one on one time with her over Christmas and she was very close to me. She tells me she is bored at home and she wished to come and stay with us so she could play.

perhaps maybe now people will realise why I am so concerned for her. I have successfully bonded with her and I love her like my own. I love my nephew, and recognised that he is foreground disabled and this isn't his fault. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to bond with him to this extent but I hold out for the future. I cannot bond with him with his special interest (skeletons) because he quite literally won't let anybody in. He will make very small talk at most, but most of the time will completely ignore any family member as well as ignoring his mum. He is the same height roughly as me and bigger built than me, I do not want to risk getting in the firing line of that. Christmas was evidently too much for him and my sister should have recognised this. He was never this bad before with regards to peeing on objects and smashing things up. I just want my niece to know that she is seen and heard, because as much as you say her mother will see her, I don't think my niece feels this.

I love them all, and want the best for them all. Of course I do. I have reasons for my concerns and maybe I do want to save her. If you had a little girl in immediate family at risk here, would you not want to, too?

Thank you, I appreciate it. I've felt so shit all day because of it. I won't tell our shared parent, I'm going to keep it to myself and hope to hell they all get the help they need and deserve.

I will of course update anybody who would like an update. ❤️

I would've thought parenting would be so much harder and even more important with a special needs child. Parents won't be around forever to look after them, so surely parenting to help the children navigate the world the best they can is the kindest?

This seems like a parenting problem. The way she is bringing up her son, sounds like abuse to me, a complete lack of social skills. Hard to know if the problem with her son is autism or neglect/trauma.

Please note I also offered to pay the years swimming lessons for him too.

financially I treat them both the same and spend the same amount of money with them at Christmas.

the difference is he gets what he wants for Christmas, whereas she doesn't. And it's upsetting.

Fingers crossed here too for them all. And you, take care too. Been a tough few days! Sending hugs.

The child has no boundaries, no punishments and no limits. His Mum is his whole world and he's in charge. If he's already hurting her she's buggered when puberty hits.

Low functioning and high functioning are poor terms used to describe how much support is needed, not how "intelligent" someone is. Though as a rule of thumb, the higher the intelligence, the better they "behave" unless overwhelmed, regulated or ill. Low functioning generally means that there is significant cognitive impairment that means they're not able to control their behaviour.

So basically your sister has an autistic child who is using it as an excuse to do whatever they feel like. Then using it as an excuse.

As my daughter (13) likes to call "waving the autism card". She is herself autistic and with ADHD. She is "high functioning". But she's not an asshole.

My friend has 3 kids: 14, 12, 8. The eldest ADHD and hearing loss, middle Autistic and very rigid in his routine and you will get talked at none stop. The youngest has a global delay (mental age about 5) a severe speech impediment and emotional deregulation (frequent meltdowns). They are all "lower functioning". None of them would have done anything like you mentioned.

Single mum, absent Dad from most stuff (weekend fun and then give back). They can be a lot to be around, but they're not assholes.

Autism/ADHD is a diagnosis and not an excuse for bad behaviour. It can be the reason for things, but at 11 he should not have rotten teeth, be breaking things deliberately and eating food with his hands.

He needs to go to an actual school, because at this point she's actively starting to cause harm to everyone around him- especially HIM.

What happens when he's 20? 30? 40? And exactly the same.....

That’s really sad for your niece and just wrong. I’m glad she has some one on one time with you.

Thank you. I know some people think I'm being unfair to him. I'm not, they all need help, but a vulnerable little girl is my main concern. That doesn't take away every single other concern I have about the family as a whole. Hence why I started the thread and why I spoke to SS this morning.

im exhausted by the whole thing, and it's been incredibly emotional and I cannot speak to anyone IRL about this.

I'm probably going to back away from the thread soon. I do want to thank every person who has offered advice, their own stories and testimonies and everything else. I will try and come back to update if there is an update.

please keep my family in your thoughts. I just hope we find a way through. ❤️

So sorry I tipped the wrong button. You are not beingunreasonable. This is complex and she can pull in help firstly from the LEA and secondly from Children Services. School for children with autism should come with considerable help. However she may fe l.no school is better than the wrong school. If he is diagnosed She should ask a professional with whom he is involved - maybe the GP- for a referral to the Disabled Children team in the area. She will need to be really clear about the challenges.
I'd hesitate to pronounce on neglect it's not easy to work out but certainly he will increasingly needs a supportive circle around him not just her. Christmas can be a trigger and being in your house he's right out of his routine and familiar place. So he could just have over reacted to that. Baubles- sensory issues? The noise- the way they break? Asd these days is covering a whole range of things some of them more OCD like.
Professional advice might focus on how to manage that situation for example.
You can refer through the local children service and it can be anonymous, if you are very concerned and she isn't able to seek professional help.

You sound very understanding and kind , that’s a lot to put up with so I guess to maintain a relationship with her you’d need to find alternative ways of meeting up .
You can’t be expected to put up with that in your own home
I have children , one is autistic with learning disabilities ( currently driving me bonkers due to the current obsession 😭)
It’s exhausting, it’s tough .
I have no support at all from family .
My child went to mainstream schools but was mostly taught in the support for learning hub some lessons one to one .
My child definitely didn’t do things like throw Christmas decorations to watch them smash , especially at that age although they did do some odd things .
They didn’t pee in strange places but it could be hit and miss whether they made it to the loo in time .
They stopped hitting and kicking at me as they grew out of the younger child stage ( they hated teeth brushing and would scream and kick unfortunately that’s not the only situation where they did that ) I just watched them chew and move a small toothbrush with toothpaste on around their mouth but that still wasn’t enough to stop decay so they had dental work done as a small child , fortunately this hasn’t affected their adult teeth .