AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Thank you @saraclara. Your school sounds great. I am so sorry I couldn’t find a better setting for DS 😞 It does probably depend on where you are. He couldn’t cope in mainstream (even in autism units within mainstream) but all other schools locally are for those with an ID. I am glad to hear they exist elsewhere but sorry for him, and that I didn’t do better for him I suppose.

And they can be hidden from sight and abused and not a single person knows about it.

And I do absolutely know about the nasty side of home schooling as I have 2 daughters who we adopted from a background of abuse and neglect. Their birth mother "home schooled" the older half siblings, which basically meant her new partner involved them in his paedophile ring and no one had a clue what was going on and the children were only saved by chance so don't pretend that home schooling is this great, safe option for kids.

See also the girl in Woking whose father and step mother pulled her out to "home educate" her but abused and killed her.

Now we have this family where the mother has a semi feral 11 year old son being home educated......

And I fought like mad to get suitable provision for my children. I worked in ehc support for a while and my advice to families is always to stay in the system if possible. Get professional assessments to argue your case with the LA or tribunal. Use specialist advisers like SOS!SEN. But imo leaving the system with children with sen only ever works for so long. And then what?

But imo leaving the system with children with sen only ever works for so long. And then what?

What do you mean by this @Arran2024? I’m not sure what you’re saying exactly.

Definitely,,we used to get the meetings with all the pictures on the iPad of what she'd trashed in mainstream -not helpful to anyone just made us feel bad sending her in .
Her whole life has changed with Sen school even at home she's much more regulated .

Are you alright?

It’s obvious you weren’t suggesting or implying such a thing

You have mentioned having your niece permanently multiple times now. I really think you need to accept the fact that social services swooping in and taking your niece away from her mum is going to be the absolute last resort and needs an incredibly high threshold to happen.

I have not ever once said I'm snooping in to get her, I know this isn't possible? I'm just expaining hypothetically?

Thank you!

Truth always stings 😂

I was abused and SA my my older ASD brother while my mother did everything to protect my brother and herself from the bad authorities getting wind of how bad things could be at home.

OP, you aren’t wrong to have concerns. I wish someone cared so much about how scared and tired I was as a child. It was really obvious.

Im not suggesting OP’s niece is in the exact same situation but any woman on here who ‘s safeguarding was brushed aside for the sake of a high needs older sibling (particularly brother) can tell you how traumatic this is in and of itself.

They have to integrate into services at some point - or continue to stay at home, long past the point of bring educated.

You don't need to put up with this shit.

Don't make excuses for appalling behaviour.

@BetUWanna

Since you live a few hours away, do you think the distance impacts your sister's hesitance in you having her overnight? If it would be feasible, do you think she'd consent to you (with your DD) having Niece overnight at a hotel near her?

Or perhaps you and DD stay in a hotel overnight and could have Niece for 2 days with returning her to sleep in her home.

I know neither would show her what a calm 'normal' home environment is, but it would get her out of her unfortunate home environment and give her two 'normal' days out.

I’m fine thanks.

You’ve mentioned having your niece several times now. Eg “I just wish I could scoop up my niece and bring her home.” Maybe you mean temporarily, but you do seem to frame yourself as her recuser? You seem to ignore the fact that her mum has refused her staying (and there have been several suggestions given upthread for why that might be). As things are, I think it might be better for you to support your sister in other ways, for the moment at least.

It’s good you feel for your niece, but don’t forget you also have a nephew, a disabled child, who clearly needs substantial help too even if he seems unwilling to accept it.

It might seem easier to support your niece as she’s well behaved and you have a DC of a similar age, but you should consider that maybe that’s not what this family needs at the moment, or can accept at the moment. Is there any other way you can personally support your sister in supporting her family? I don’t think banning the family from your house will help her tbh. Could you set up a safe space for him when he comes over with your sister’s help? Keep DD’s toys out of the way? Very strong supervision? And consistently supporting niece too but taking smaller steps iyswim. Taking her to stay with you (even for a short while) is a very big step in the circumstances. And it’s all cloud cuckoo land anyway as her mother says no.

I wouldn’t mention to anyone about the report you made btw. Rightly or wrongly your sister will never trust you again if she finds out. And she needs her family.

Part of me feels sorry for this little girl but also please be aware that your sister has two children and loves them both and if you want to be part of their lives you cannot treat them differently.
My mum is now not welcome with us because of her blatant favouritism for DD. I could never tell DD off when my mum was staying, once she didn't want to do something at the dinner table and hit me and I took her by the hand and was marching her upstairs for a reset and my mum was all "oh no poor DD you're so cruel etc etc". She refused to get in the car with DS (who is no longer at all dangerous - oddly she has decided this now he is doing much better, when he was younger she just ignored him but didn't refuse to be with him). That was the last straw.

So don't be like that, is all I'm saying.

You only have to look a few replies down to see a woman who has shared her story about being sexually abused by her SEN sibling.

she is my priority, as she has no one fighting her corner. My nephew has my sister fighting his corner at the disadvantage of my niece.

and yes I'm aware that there are many people suggesting why I haven't been able to have her DD overnight. I am also aware of why, and am aware of the conversations I've had with my sister.

I don't feel like a 'hero' or like I can 'rescue' anybody. But if that little girl can one day recognise that one, just one person saw her, and validated her, then it's worth me feeling like this.

thanks for your input.

I absolutely have to treat them differently. I treat all children differently. Not in the sense of leaving one out or not buying one a present.

I don't have an emotional relationship with my nephew.
my little niece didn't punch the living daylights out of my daughters toys or the other children around her. My nephew does.
I am not and will not say 'no' to my niece because her elder brother can't. She is already missing out on so much because my sisters whole world revolves around my nephew. Yes of course she loves both. I won't deny that. But many people on here had voiced their concerns about that little girl. And I'm glad they have as it's made me want to look out for her even more so.

My nephew has my sister fighting his corner to the disadvantage of my niece

In what way is your sister fighting his corner - she's severely neglecting his most basic needs? But thats apparently not a problem because he's autistic.

You have at no stage suggested that your niece is being sexually abused though? Obviously replies would be different if you had.

My nephew has my sister fighting his corner at the disadvantage of my niece.
That’s quite an accusation. The siblings of disabled children are often affected by their brother or sister’s disability. Of course they are, how could it be otherwise? Families are affected as a whole. It doesn’t mean that the parents deliberately choose to disadvantage one child for the sake of another.

I don't feel like a 'hero' or like I can 'rescue' anybody. But if that little girl can one day recognise that one, just one person saw her, and validated her, then it's worth me feeling like this.
I’m sure her mother sees her.
Your sister is obviously struggling, that doesn’t mean she is unaware.
There are three people who need your help here if you are willing to give it OP.

It is not always parenting.

I suggest you watch this so you realise sometimes it doesn't matter what you do as a parent.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

@HazelMember was literally coming on to recommend that progarmme, should be interesting for many MNetters as well.

Jesus christ! You uneducated dullard. Clearly no experience of neurodiversity or autism, otherwise you would understand the challenges parents have. This makes me so mad that there are so many uneducated, ignorant pricks out there. That mum needs support not further isolation!

Is he on any medication your sister needs to get him assessed and the meds will help him

A lot of this doesn't sound like it is likely due to his autism. I think maybe gently direct your sister to support.