AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

I agree using natural methods are sometimes good but I think denying a child medication when they have a raging temperature, a red raw throat and what sounded like croup (wasn't diagnosed as she doesn't take them to doctors, just went on sound of the cough) is neglectful. They've never been vaccinated either and I think this is really irresponsible too.
We've tried chatting to her. We've tried 'family intervention' where we've spoken to her gently, or emailed her outlining our specific concerns. It gets shut down everytime sadly. It's like she blocks her ears and goes 'lalalala' to the outside world and to any differing opinions.

I understand that depending on where you live and what resources are available may well limit the help for families with autistic children. My son in law had undiagnosed autism until only a few years ago but he at least understands my DGS and instigated the physical hobbies that have undoubtedly helped. Having said that he has reached puberty with all the hormone issues that even children who are not neuro diverse have to contend with and it's a very hard journey.

I am glad that OP has involved social services today as the problems her sister, nephew and niece face are likely to get worse unless some intervention happens soon.

OP you’ve done exactly the right thing by involving outside agencies. Your sister isn’t helping anyone with her POV on life and as you say, there may well be heavy duty mental health issue of her own which make her incapable of making the right decisions for her children. That’s not in any way blaming anyone.

She and her children are very fortunate to have you in their lives.

It sounds like a LOT to try and unpick. I’m not even sure it’s possible given the physical and emotional distance your sister seems to be at…i mean that if she was close by, used to you and her popping into each others houses regularly, her DD is coming over for sleepovers etc then there is the opportunity to understand her side of things better and suggest ways forward for her that you can support her with. But I’m not sure in your situation she would listen to you without feeling bulldozed.

To help your sister, in my opinion the following things need to happen:

1. she needs regular therapy re her tough childhood as there will likely be trauma there (maybe she does this?)
2. she needs an autism assessment. Behaviours that you have mentioned in previous threads suggest she may be ND, clearly she has a son who is too. This would help her understand herself and how she is parenting her children.
3. you both need to understand why she is homeschooling. Is it a trauma response from having a shit childhood that she wants to protect her own kids and keep them close. Is it because she is ND and can’t cope with the idea of getting the kids to school and having to deal with all the social obligations that come with school. Or does she genuinely believe the school system is broken and she can provide better education at home.
4. you need to understand what her homeschooling look like, is it an enriching experience for both children? And if not, does she feel it is worth continuing given it also means she gets zero break from her kids and as a family they are becoming isolated. If she is a conspiracy theorist who is distrustful of the wider world then she may absolutely think that the difficulties she is facing with homeschooling is worth it to sheild her children. That is her choice as their parent, as long as they are receiving a good education from her.
5. Is her daughter happy / confident / socially and emotionally ok? If the answer is yes and her daughter has friends and isn’t behind with school work then there isn’t anything wrong with their set up, even if to outsiders it looks odd.

not allowing her daughter over for sleepovers could absolutely be that she doesn’t want her seeing a “normal” calm set up at your house, as you’ve said. It could also be that the daughter isn’t used to environments outside of her own home and is nervous to come. Or that your sister is so distrustful of the outside world that she herself is anxious for her daughter to come over. Or that there was some kind of sexual abuse in her own childhood that means she doesn’t allow her daughter to do sleepovers at anyone’s house.

your last sentence though means finding out above all the above probably is a waste of time in all honesty. If she is happy in her bubble then she is happy in her bubble…it is up to her how she raises her children, as long as they are not being traumatised by it. I would keep fostering the positive relationship with your niece so she can reach out to you / confide in you if she needs to. How old is she? Maybe as she gets older she will be allowed more freedom to stay over, or will be able to socialise with you and your daughter more online or via a phone.

You have done the right thing, so please don't ever doubt it. It must have been incredibly hard for you, but it needed to be done.

I really hope that something will come from it.

OP - Just picked up that your niece and nephew share a bedroom. Your nephew is about to enter puberty, surely that needs to change very soon?

I wouldn't tell anyone that you did it, the only way for something to stay secret is not to tell a soul.

make sure you don't give them any identifying information for yourself and try not to share information where you were the only other person who would know. So you can still get an eye on the children, you dont want her to retreat if you can help it.

I hope your niece gets to spend more time with you op. I’m sorry for your sister and the boy, but re your sister I put children’s needs above adults needs and she is neglecting them. I hope the boy gets some help.

They do share a room but my niece sleeps with my sister more often than not.

the whole thing is a sorry mess and those children need intervention. :(

I thank God for my daughters autism special school 🙏🏿

I wonder how much it hurts to have your teeth literally rot in your mouth? How much pain is that poor child in? That won't help his behaviour much.

I would not tell your mutual parent that you have made the SS referral. Puts them in a very difficult position when your sister is inevitably upset and ranting.

I would encourage them to tell the truth to SS if they approach grandparents for views given they have their own concerns. That's not a betrayal of your sister, it's help for her and her children who will be in the case of your nephew woefully prepared for life as a teen/grown up in due course or if she were to become unwell. I would also be worried for your DN's safety.

She won't take him to the doctor when he is sick, or dentist when his teeth are rotten. She won't take him to school. He is being neglected, which is a form of child abuse. His behaviours are serious and unacceptable, but not a surprise.

Me too been so positive for her

It takes such a load off your mind to know they are somewhere that the staff know what they are doing. Child is happy and settled there and they don't keep calling you to come pick them up for every little thing. 😀

Yes I was wondering this. People with autism can experience and express pain differently too. I wonder if this is a factor.

The most rewarding thing about teaching autistic children in special schools, is that what you do has a positive outcome for their families, as well as for the child.

They're was nothing better than having parents tell me that their child was so much happier and more settled at home, and that family life was much calmer, due to the work we did with them at school, and the strategies we shared with the parents.

I'm seven years retired and still have a warm and appreciative note from such a parent, on my kitchen pin board.

OP, I think it's sadly unlikely children's services will make a big intervention.

They will hopefully raise the children's cases under child protection. Hopefully the family will be allocated a social worker and there will be ongoing visits and support.

I think/hope they mandate teeth brushing and a visit to a dentist. Rotten teeth can be fatal and failing to brush his teeth is neglect. I completely appreciate she can't physically force him now, but when he was younger she should have tackled this. It's one of the few really non-negotiables and most parents of even profoundly autistic children manage this one way or another.

I hope they insist both children attend school.

You've done the right thing.

It sounds good.
I wasn’t able to find somewhere for DS. We did try a few settings over several years but he was at home after that. Very bright (but dyslexic). Lots of MH issues. PDA. There wasn’t a suitable setting I could find.
Sometimes (often!) the services a particular child needs just aren’t there even though autism services in general are provided.

Tooth brushing has always been a big problem for DS who is also autistic but as a parent you have to accept that some things won't be nice but are necessary, and explain in an age and developmentally appropriate way that mum/dad can override consent when it is a matter of health and hygiene.

I've had to lay DS on the floor with his head between my legs and using my legs to pin him down to brush his teeth. I've had to strap him in his pushchair, or do it in the car in his car seat where he can't run away and I can use both hands to hold his head still. I've done it in the school car park, I've done it at the supermarket. Whenever there's an opportunity to do so without it being a risk to one or both of us, but I've had to create those opportunities.

I'm quite shocked that OPs sister has not considered safe ways to brush his teeth. It's neglect. She can acknowledge it is hard, but still acknowledge it is her responsibility.

DS has tooth decay on one of his teeth at the back, this is a combination of tooth grinding when stressed leading to a cracked tooth, and an extremely limited diet, as well as allergies and intolerances that have caused vomiting. He will have to have it pulled out. He's under the specialist dental service, but they are reluctant to put him under GA without trying local first.

I can't imagine subjecting an autistic child to a whole mouth of rotten teeth. Many of which won't even be baby teeth anymore. What on earth was OPs DS thinking every morning and every night that she neglected to brush his teeth?

I'm with you though and I'm not sure social services will extend much if any help at all. It would be grand if they did, but there are still systemic failures within social care.

I agree that it is unlikely they will make any large interventions and since it appears she is actually home educating them, I also doubt they will be able to enforce school.

That sounds really lovely. May I ask if the children you worked with had intellectual disabilities as well as autism?
I’m sorry if it’s an intrusive question. I just found it so hard to find a place for DS who is severely disabled by his autism and MH issues, but who has no ID. (He does have specific learning difficulties like dyslexia.) To give you an idea, at the moment it doesn’t look like he’ll ever be able to live independently, even though he’s extremely clever in many ways.
Do places exist for children like him in your experience? Units within mainstream didn’t work.

My little niece is a timid little girl, I've made sure to FaceTime her most evenings since she was a couple of years old just so she can have some conversation with others and know she has a whole family that are here for her. She and my daughter spend a good 10 minutes most nights nattering to each other on FaceTime.

after the last visit at Christmas I just knew she wasn't happy. She is scared of her brother. You can see she so desperately wants to jump in and get involved and play, and to some extents she did. By a few days in we were having pillow fights and she was running around being totally care free. But she looked exhausted. She spent a lot of the time cuddling up to me like a toddler would.
the fact that she doesn't have her own bedroom worries me. She sleeps with my sister most nights but she should have an option to have her own safe space where she can come and go as she pleases. My nephew is very loud, even when he has his headphones or ear defenders on and I don't think my niece has much quiet time. I just hope all this mental noise and what she is witnessing and the violence from her brother isn't getting to her too much. She is a wary little soul as it is. She doesn't really have many friends and has never been to a friends house for tea. Having a friend over to her is impossible. She doesn't have a normal childhood as everything is centred around her brother. My sister doesn't socialise with anybody, the only time the kids see others is at forest school. She doesn't have any friends that she hangs around with as her son forbids this so her friends are just telephone friends.

I really worry about my niece socially. She's incredibly intelligent too and I just don't want to see her childhood stunted because my sister won't seek help or other avenues due to my nephew. I just want my niece to find her little tribe. She deserves friends and to have a safe space where she can freely be herself. She is my main concern in all of this. I'd have her here in a heartbeat.

Well, you can’t take her from her mother you know.

May I ask if the children you worked with had intellectual disabilities as well as autism?

Our school took a mix, @Breadcrumbtrail ,with classes carefully organised to focus on and meet the needs of the sub-groups.

It very much depends on the school though. Special schools vary hugely, partly because different LAs have different approaches. There's a school in a neighbouring authority that has a sixth form and some quite able pupils who are able to get qualifications.