Neighbour just rung doorbell at 2.30am!

[greywolfie]

I'm now wide awake and fumming. She rung twice so I opened the front bedroom window as I worried it might be an emergency. Women stood there on her phone in tears and I thought - oh, she could need help.
My husband is on his way down to.open the door.
Then she says...."my cat is in your garden"
I mean - FFS!
I said "well your cat will get out of our garden"
"Really?"
"Yes. If your cat is still in our garden in the morning we will bring it back"
Shut window.
Husband then opened the door and she started telling him about the damn cat- I yelled at him to shut it.
He wanted to go out and get it but I said that was mad and would encourage the over protective cat mother to do it again in future.
For reference, we have 2 elderly cats that very rarely scale the fence. One night one got over very late and was struggling to make it back (we have stuff by our fence that would've also helped her bloody cat up, if he cared - but their side is just the bare fence). I was a bit worried but would NEVER have rung their bell in the middle of the night! About an hour later our old lady regained her energy and made it back.
AIBU to go round in the morning and point out you don't ring people's doorbells for this reason? It's batshit right?

I’m not doing it under any kind of Be Kind mantra. I’m just imagining myself in the position of opening my door and seeing someone crying there because they felt their cat was in some sort of danger.

Yes, she’s overly anxious. But I just can’t imagine leaving someone in that state when I’m already out of bed.

Is that ‘be kind’ or just what you do when someone is clearly in mental distress? There really are a lot of cold people on this thread. Yes, the distress was disproportionate. But it’s not for us or the OP, whatever her experience with young adults, to mentally unpack why someone responds that way and if I was going to go to the effort of writing her a fucking letter, it would be gently suggesting that she have a chat with her GP.

Side note - I also can’t imagine it being my job to work with young adults and not use that training in the moment. You support them through it by letting them into your garden to get their cat and then you check in on them the next day re speaking to their GP. Even if it’s 2.30 in the morning. Because actually, it isn’t the ‘kind’ thing to do to leave her out there crying her eyes out. It isn’t the right thing to leave someone in a vulnerable state in order not to ‘pander’ to her. 2.30am
and crying your eyes out isn’t the time to learn to sit with discomfort, and it’s not our job to teach that anyway. 2.30 in the morning is a time when perspective cannot be sought, you cannot self soothe on the street in floods of tears. On what planet do we not help someone in floods of tears because we don’t judge that those tears are proportional? It’s such a clear expression of low mental health. It’s when we should, actually, BE KIND.

I understand the OP’s resentment but not helping someone in the middle of a mental health wobble is just wild to me.

We had an older cat who broke his leg when trying to escape by climbing when trapped. I'm sure this neighbour wouldn't have come ringing the bell at 2:30am needlessly. She was clearly upset and the cat was likely distressed. Have a bit of compassion. Some of these comments are just heartless and cruel.

Yes, she’s overly anxious. But I just can’t imagine leaving someone in that state when I’m already out of bed.
The point is, you're only out of bed because she rang the doorbell. It's like being woken up by the phone in the middle of the night, and answering "I was already awake". I have some sympathy, having had cats, but I think I'd have waited until a more reasonable hour before disturbing neighbours.

Because she didn’t actually need any “help”. She needed to go back to her house and get a fucking grip! This was not a situation requiring help in any way.

Even if she does have anxiety - so what. People have enough to deal with in their own lives, families, workplaces etc without picking up responsibility for the mental health of randoms. It’s not like she was in MH crisis, she was just anxious about a cat.

How on earth is that comparable to an outdoor car simply wandering around at night? Why would it be distressed?

It would be completely different if the neighbour had cried saying her cat was injured and trapped in OP's garden but that wasn't the case.

An injured cat who is trapped is an emergency
An outdoor cat wandering around at night isn't

Maybe because the OP, who was there and has the professional skills and expertise - neither of which you or I have - she judged the situation correctly?

The cat was not in distress, the neighbour was being unreasonable. This was explained at the time and at the second visit at an anti-social hour. The neighbour is either an idiot, or needs professional help. Neither need pandering to at two in the bloody morning.

You can insist you'd have done different, that's fine. But labelling everyone who'd have refused to pander to an idiot and set themselves up for future unreasonable demand at 2.30am 'cold' is absolutely ridiculous.

OP has literally stated multiple times in updates that there was never an indication the cat was injured or in distress. Crying neighbour couldn't explain why she was so anxious about the cat being out. It also seems cat did manage to get home by itself so there clearly never was an emergency that required neighbour to knock at 2:30AM and then again at 5AM.

I also don't think 'grabbing the cat' would be the five minute task some people think it is - it would've been dark and cold outside in the middle of the night, cat could've kept darting off and could've ended up in someone else's garden and then what - we wake them up too and start the whole farce again?

As others have said, if crying neighbour had followed up her cat story with a reasonable explanation as to why it was a 2AM emergency (even just 'he's injured' would've sufficed!) then fine but OP's updates only indicate there was never an emergency.

and if I was going to go to the effort of writing her a fucking letter, it would be gently suggesting that she have a chat with her GP.

Kind of what I did....

Side note - I also can’t imagine it being my job to work with young adults and not use that training in the moment. You support them through it by letting them into your garden to get their cat

This is absolutely NOT what you should do!

If I could have helped I would've helped but the cat problem was not solvable by me- I told her this. Tried to reassure her that it would come back.
I'm not busting out any more skills at 2.30am when she's made a stupid call.
I think maybe my job made it easier for me to set the boundary without feeling guilty.

Yep. Next door neighbour is an utter loon. Even as a first time cat owner, long ago, I'd never. Ever. Have behaved like this.

Go out and call quietly for the cat - maybe. Go to my neighours and deliberately wake them up and try to enlist them in running around like an eejit at 2 in the morning because I'm a batshit cat lady? Nope.

I am very glad the nutty neighbour did not get her way and hope she starts to understand what an emergency is - which is what it has to be to wake people who live next door to you at 2am.

Yep, and your nutty neighbour was being exceptionally unkind to you and your husband. You do not reward batshit unkind behaviour if you know what's good for you.

You did precisely the right thing. Good for you.

She was clearly upset and could have any kind of mental health or additional need. It's never happened before l, I think you are nasty for shouting at her and not letting her get her cat it I'm honest

Where does OP say that she shouted at her?

Where did I say I shouted at her?
Would you really have let her in your house at 2.30am?

OP was clearly upset and distressed by this situation, but some of the posters here are telling her that she is wrong with how she handled that situation. They should be kind.
... see how that works?

I would think they possibly have a UTI and/or dementia.

I understand why you yelled at your husband to shut the door OP. There was a situation where I live with a young woman going to random houses in the early hours shouting for help, she had someone with her who tried to gain entry to the house (luckily they weren’t able to), they did try again with someone else sometime later but by then most people had heard and weren’t opening the door. But I would be cautious of something like that happening. Obviously if they were shouting for a real emergency I would offer to call the police, but no way would I open the door to someone at 2:30 in the morning.

Also could have understood if she was concerned about the cat being out in the cold, but because it’s ‘anxious’? She sounds barmy.

In their 20s??

Interesting to see so many people here who wod happily open door at 2am (or any time actually).
How unmumsnetty 😁

I'd struggle to be polite at 2.30am personally, because someone knocking on my door then would scare the life out of me - I'd assume someone had died.

To find some neurotic young woman blethering about her cat... yeah no.

Yeah, it makes sense that you having the professional background to know you did what's best would be reassuring.

Bluntly, I’d be even less likely to let someone into my house at 2.30am if they were upset and I suspected mental health or additional needs.

Don't you know you're supposed to put your own safety aside and just be kind?

Christ on a bike.

Kindness isn't a fixed trait that someone exhibits either always or never, and I'm not a 'be kind' evangelist.

In my world, I am kind to extremely distressed vulnerable women who are out on the streets at 2.30am. That person warrants kindness. Especially because her distress is completely disproportionate to the situation. That tells me that there's something going on here that makes her even more vulnerable than she already was, roaming the streets in tears at 2.30am. I am kind to that person, because it's batshit to knock on someone's door at that time about a cat, not in spite of the fact that it's a batshit thing to do.

I haven't been rude to the OP, but since you ask, I am not inclined to be kind to people who say they have the tools to help someone but chose not to because they 'work with young adults' and therefore that somehow qualifies them to make a doorstep clinical assessment (in seconds!) of someone's entire mental health history and the events leading up to this strange behaviour and conclude that the level of anxiety she's exhibiting is something she needs to learn to sit with and ride out on her own. The OP is leaning on credentials I don't believe she has, because she didn't want to help.

Fine.

She asked if she was unreasonable. I answered.