To start thinking about splitting over this

[Playdoughy]

My husband has become incredibly rude towards other people. This was a gradual change over the past few years.
While I was trying to understand his reactions in the beginning, as he would be right about the things that annoyed him - this has now escalated into him expecting that everyone shares the same manners and values and what not, or else...

To put things into perspective, I couldn't wait for us to move home because he managed to get into arguments with pretty much all the neighbours in our building and we ended up not speaking to people that I met on daily basis.
Yes - A was occasionally slamming the doors, but was it worth reporting him to his landlord, shouting at him and having 3 separate arguments over this. And so on... But at least those relationships deteriorated over a number of years.
At the new place it took him 3 weeks for the entire building to stop talking to us (yes me too, because people assume you are the one and the same). He lost it over abandoned post in the common area and a disagreement around a fence (that is not even remotely relevant for our garden).
I am an introvert and it's not like I depend on having people around for a smalltalk but tomorrow he will be like this with parents in our DC's class or teachers... He already has parents he 'hates' in the nursery and wants me to refuse playdates that DS gets invited to 'because B's dad is just full of it'.
We literally have noone left to socialise with. All the friend groups I had mingled with in past - he drove away by showing clear lack of interest for anything they talked about, refusing any couples activities together, refusing to visit them...

I just don't think I am comfortable with this being the new normal both for me and the kids in future. He is dispising anyone who wants to communicate with us or spend time with us.
At the same time he reaches out to somewhat incompatible people (e.g. a couple in their sixties both early retirement spending time between ski and geach holidays and thinking about extending an already impressive house - at the same time our little family crammed in a flat and buried in 9-5 jobs and a mortgage). Than he gets disappointed they don't reciprocate back with an invite from their side...
I grew up with my parents surrounded by extended family, friends all in similar circumstances- plenty of kids around too. He had similar upbringing but he just changed after covid and lost any interest in maintaining contacts...
I tried talking about this but he just says he doesn't care and that people are idiots or just annoy him...

I could not cope with this. He sounds miserable and had totally isolated you from any kind of friendship or support.

Is he depressed? Does he want or is he willing to get help?

This doesn’t sound like a nice environment for you or your children, I would be getting everything in order to leave. Realistically, how much more miserable could you be?

How is he with your family and friends ?

What was he like when you first met him? What do you think has driven the change over the last few years? Does he come from a high conflict family?
He needs to understand that it's a miserable, stressful way to live, for him and for the rest of you.
There is actually a book called "Surrounded by Idiots" that explains the mindset of angry people like this in a lighthearted but persuasive way and ultimately reminds the reader that we are all idiots in someone's story.

He had similar upbringing [to mine] but he just changed after covid and lost any interest in maintaining contacts

Covid lockdowns and knock-on effects did a real number on a lot of people, @Playdoughy. Do you think Mr Angry would agree to talk to someone about if he knew his marriage was on the line?

I’m so sorry for you btw - it’s bloody miserable being with an angry man like this.

We literally have noone left to socialise with @Playdoughy

My DH doesn't like to socialise much so I have my own friends and social groups.

You might feel like pp are tarring you with the same brush but if you keep being friendly and polite they will soon realise you are not like him. We've all known couples where we like one of the couple more eg "he's so rude but his wife is really lovely".

He might improve without the pressure of having to socialise.

I tried talking about this but he just says he doesn't care and that people are idiots or just annoy him...

Let him know you're not expecting him to be friends with people, but can he at least be polite for YOUR sake because he cares about you and how it affects you, and insure he's not controlling who you or your DCs make friends with.

What a fool, everyone is out of step except him.
I would leave him, he sounds draining and pompous. It's a shame people don't talk to you by association.

Slight aside...but someone mentioned covid...can anyone tell me ...why exactly did it have such a bad effect on some peoples mental health....i dont mean schoolkids mental health but adults' mental health....i never really understood why

I feel really sorry for you and your children, what a miserable and stressful way to live. I bet you're always walking on eggshells and your children will too, it's such an unhealthy environment to live in. You and your children deserve so much better. You need to talk to your husband about how his attitude affects you and the children, and if you can't see that he will change, I'd seriously be thinking of leaving for you and your children's future happiness 💐

Some people lost their jobs, their businesses, their livelihoods, were stuck in flats without gardens with bored and fed up children and youngsters whose exams and degrees suffered, many people got ill, there was so much uncertainty and lack of control, some people’s parent(s) or grandparents died alone in homes or hospitals, for many people it was hard to see a GP or a vet or a dentist for a while and there were knock-on effects from that, some people were told to ‘shield’ and became reclusive, it was hard to plan ordinary family shops and kids with special needs struggled particularly, no-one knew frankly if the government could be trusted, and some parents were left with fuck all support to deal with teenagers and young adults with profound problems in a world that was looking elsewhere. Oh, and many women and children were trapped with abusers.

The OP’s husband may of course be outwith all the above and just be a knobber.

Right, yes, that all makes sense. I'm.older and I potter about, go shopping, go for walks, and pretty much had no difference in my life whether locked down or not, and thought people woyld enjoy staying at home as it made a change from working, so i never fully understood...but that list of yours has definitely made me understand that for some people it was hell...i definitely get it now.

Ok in the sense he is happy I visit them or hang out with, he is polite if they visit but prefers they don't visit (or anyone else really). It's not like he forbids - but he tries to get arrangements he is out iif they visit. He also prefers his family doesn't visit. He says he liikes his peace at home.

He read the book and recommended it to me as a fun read.
He was just a normal and friendly guy.

I think he is depressed - I am not a professional though. He sees negative in everything and just doesn't even notice nice things in life. He gets smiley and reminds me of hos old self when playing with our kids but he is mostly tired to do that too. He also hates his job (he changed regularly, never fired, always finds it easy to get another job and is good at it - but everyone always annoys him at work too).
The conversations he starts are always about negative things (not that there is lack of that on the news).
He knows he is miserable and thinks changing environment will help - but the truth is it won't because I gave in last time and I can see that no matter where we live or where he works - he just doesn't like people around him and I cannot waste any more money or energy to move around while he refuses to see that it is him and his attitude and negatively - there is literally no place that would not annoy him, perhaps a desert island but he'd probably end up hating on birds chirping.

To answer your question Yes. He is a misery. Don’t make this your life.

Because staying at home and not going out or into work is really depressing for some people as it is so unstimulating and lonely. If you are the kind of person who thinks wfh is a dream come true them it was probably fine but I grew up constantly surrounded by people and I do a really sociable job. I also had COVID right at the start and it was like a mild cold for me so I had no personal fear to motivate me. The whole thing felt like being in a relationship with an anxious, risk averse person who imposed their unreasonable rules on you and tried to control you leaving your house. It was like an abusive partner that you couldn't escape.

If I see someone in a face mask now, I feel a surge anger. I don't hold it against the wearer but it still makes me feel angry inside. Other than that, I have got over it.

He’s a fun sponge. You may have learned to deal with the loss of your own social life but do you want this for your kids? Him intolerant of your kids having friends over? Criticising their choices of friends and interests?
You will all be treading on eggshells forever unless there’s a big change. I’d be planning an escape for the sake of your sanity.

And to mention - I feel horribly guilty over my thoughts about this. Realistically looking - it is sort of like having a lovely partner that got ill and now you are thinking of leaving him because his illness impacts your life.
Having mental issues is often treated unfairly as seen is this example - because I would 'just like him to stop being negative and rude'. And I am very much aware that this is as equally difficult for him as if I asked a person who lost their leg to 'just walk'.

He actually tried talking to a professional a few months ago (actually 2 separate ones) - you are guessing - he hated that too and found them stupid and not engaged.
But I really don't know how to help any more, he doesn't listen to any advice, doesn't want to talk about it, loses temper if pressured (not violently- just shuts the conversation down rudely and hides in another room).

It definitely sounds like there’s something else going on with him but I agree, it’s unliveable for the rest of the household.

I firmly believe that once you start complaining and seeing the negatives on everything it becomes almost compulsive and feeds on itself. I grew up with a parent like that, we the kids became like that and only when I moved away from it all (and a coworker told me I complained a lot - not accusing me, just stating it) I realised I had to change habits and snap out of it.

I never fell out with every single person around me though, that feels like some sort of antisocial disorder. It’s very extreme.

How come you don't understand? Where were you? Our lives were severely impacted by the isolation rules. I couldn't not be with my dying wife, for example. There are thousands of examples. Children missing out on socialisation, education. I mean- you've really upset me, did you live it out under a fucking stone?

What is he teaching your children? I would have to rethink things tbh. What an awful environment for you all to be living in

I don't think he/she meant they don't know what was going on with people but more why it affected some people more badly (as in their mental health is still suffering) and some came out the same.
It's not a wrong question - me and my husband had the same experience with covid and shutdown - we spent every day together, both had mild cases, noone lost their job, and actually it was me who lost a loved one over covid (was not treated promptly or adequately).
And yet my DH is the one who came out of it hating people.
But maybe it was not COVID that triggered it for him...maybe it is a coincidence with the timeline, he never mentions covid times as difficult times really...
I actually think that what covid gave him is that he got a taste of life without a single person outside your household interfering with anything - and he liked it.

do you think your hubby has early onset dementia? Sounds very volatile.

That's the last thing that would come to my mind - what is making you think it's dementia?

Problem is it’s going to start to affect your mental health. Frankly, he needs to see he’s got a problem and get help. Or he’s just a knob. Either way if you want to and can leave that’s probably better for both you and your child.