Useless DP, do I stick it out

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We have an 18 month old son. He's good with DS and shares night wakings, plays with him lots, cooks dinner. I however do everything else. I clean up after said dinner, for example. I make breakfast and lunch. I am currently working full time and DP is on a break (due to start new job in May). You'd think I have nothing to do since DS is in full time childcare, we have a cleaner and I am supporting a grown man to stay home. No, I have no time for a lot really. Laundry, car insurance, I don't know, just absolutely everything falls to me. We currently have 2 nappies left and I have to go to the shop to buy some.

He will do stuff if I ask. Until he gets annoyed with too many requests and decide I'm a nag. So I usually don't ask anymore (and he then says he would have done it if I had said anything).

Until a month ago, he had never taken DS out by himself. Not even on a walk. I had to beg and scream to get him to take DS to the park for 20 minutes on a Saturday morning. He has done it twice now.

I earn far, far more than him.

I'm falling out of love with him completely.

He's around because he's my son's dad. That's it.

I don't know what to do. I'm far too old to meet someone else and have another baby (37) and I wouldn't really be interested in another man anyway. So it feels like a big decision. Not only will DS have split parents, I will also not have any more children which really hurts. I have no siblings or extended family so long term life will be extremely lonely.

I'm also worried he will be a Disney dad and I will eternally be the one that does everything and be the bad one. He's great at entertaining DS so if we split, he'll likely just show DS a great time once a week at the weekend, I'll do all the donkey work and get zero fun.

At least this way it's all under my roof and I can outsource housework and spend as much quality time with DS as possible.

No way would I want a husband like that as a role model for our son.

Does your son attend nursery 5 days a week? If so, fgs why when he’s twiddling his thumbs all day every day

I’d give him a serious chance to shape up, telling him what you’re said here . If he doesn’t seriously change I’d leave him .

The thing is, people think shit dads like this are ultimately harmless to their kids, but trust me, they arent. I think you know bringing another child into this wouldnt be fair.
I've heard of the Fair Play cards online, would it be worth doing something with those, just to give him a proper visual of how much you are doing compared to him? (I want to be clear you shouldn't have to, and im furious on your behalf, but if you do want to try i think its worth a 'back to basics & come to jesus' chat so at least if you do leave, you can leave with your head held high that you REALLY tried. Again, not that you should have to...)

Does he ever, in a calm moment, acknowledge how much you do in comparison to him, or is it all defence and denial?

I think you're probably right about how he will be Disney dad and you will still be doing all the leg work. Practically, your life would probably be a lot tougher as a single parent. You will need to weigh that up against the emotional toll of staying with him.
If I was in your situation I'd try and make things work. Give him certain jobs that are always his responsibility so you don't have to ask, he just knows that is his role and gets on with it.
You may also feel better when he is back at work, it's completely understandable to be resentful of a partner who is sat home all day doing nothing whilst you're working really hard.

I agree with PP. Really lay it out for him how much you are doing. One last chance for him to sort it out. Inevitably he won’t and you’ll need to divorce. Can’t imagine you’d want to conceive another child with him. You could consider a donor though.

People might judge my advice but

hurry up and get pregnant with your second. Then leave him! He is useless but it’s better for the kids to have the same useless dad imo 🤷‍♀️

but definitely, definitely leave. He is useless and in my mind, reads the guardian and considers himself a centrist evolved man because he cooks.

best of luck girl, you sound like you’re going to be just fine xx

edit, this type of man will take great pride in being a weekend dad, so that’s your childcare sorted as well!

If you split you do 50:50 even split of weekends and weekdays so he does the nursery run, pays for etc.

One person cooking every day and the other one clearing up sounds pretty standard, tbh. Does he not do the grocery shopping while you work?

But not taking care of DS alone is weird. This break sounds like a great opportunity for him to prioritise that...

If I were working full time and DH was at home, I'd expect him to do the majority of the housework - laundry, shopping, cooking etc. I wouldn't mind clearing up after dinner if he's cooked, as long as it's not a bombsite! Can't you have a sit down conversation about the division of labour rather than you having to tell him all the time and him feeling nagged? Put up a whiteboard in the kitchen with all the chores and who does what. Then he's got no excuses.

When I returned to full time work I handed over all the meal planning, food shopping, cooking & washing up. Next I handed over all the laundry so my clean clothes arrived on the bed and the DC were put away.

No asking, nagging or anything else the jobs were 100% his and his alone.

So what the actual f* is this guy doing all day long ?
Actually I think your life would be easier without this manchild. You’re already doing everything yourself anyway plus looking after him and getting stressed out by him.

It all boils down to if you could manage alone. If you can and with two, then get pregnant and bin him off.

I think this. Lay it out extremely clearly.

Telk him - I’m not going to “nag” (see “beg”) him to do anything. You’re just going to leave if it continues.

And do it.

I wouldn’t have another child with him anyway.

Have you discussed how you feel with him?

Dont do anything until May!!
Wait until he's back in work full time.
You dont want hiim deciding to stay off work and claiming he's at home to facilitate childcare and expects you to bankroll this going forward ....

It’s also hard to fathom an 18 month old being in full time nursery plus there being a cleaner whilst one parent is fully off work.

Why isn’t he looking after his son at least half the time (if say you wanted DS in nursery some of the time for other reasons like socialisation or something)?

If you can bear to have sex with him a few more times around ovulation, you should be able to boot him out after?

This isn't just about the practicalities of separated parenting, although they are significant. It's also about the life you want for yourself as a woman. Not just a mum. You are young (despite what you think) and you have plenty of time to be in more fulfilling relationships. Do you really want to live in a loveless marriage with a man who you don't even like? How will that impact your mental health? His? The child's?

Don't make decisions based on non-existent future siblings. Don't stay locked into a role you have been forced in to. You worry about him being fun dad and you being "not fun" mum....that is just as likely to happen if you stay together.

It's a huge decision and absolutely not one to take lightly. It might be helpful to speak to a therapist.

He's around because he's my son's dad. That's it.

He can be a dad without being in a relationship with you.

Honestly, I’d get pregnant asap and tell him he needs to change.
If doesn’t then leave.

I assume so they don’t lose their nursery place for when useless man goes back to work.

37 is very young! Kick him to the kerb.

What a way to live.
I repeat here ad nauseam, if you feel you would be better off just with your son, do it.
In fact, probably better off for both mom and kid, in general.

Things to think about:

many women say their workload goes down once they leave their useless partner

if you separate then you will have the motivation and ability to build a village. Or prioritise doing that now

yes he may become a Disney dad. Or he may step up. Or he may disappear from DSs life entirely. There’s no way to predict. But it sounds like you would be happier. And a happy mum who is the main influence on a child is a good thing.

Think through the financials and the dsy to day. Check
out resources like gingerbread the single parent charity.

If you want to keep trying with DP look into the fair play cards and counselling.

If he’s not doing anything now he certainly won’t when he’s back at work. You’ve a few options pointed out in this thread but you could start with either a very frank conversation (setting out who is responsible for what household tasks) or some kind of professional counselling. Does he actively plan time for you to spend together? Is he interested in you? What’s the overall landscape of your relationship. You do sound like you’re at the end of your tether.