Useless DP, do I stick it out

[DarkPlace213]

We have an 18 month old son. He's good with DS and shares night wakings, plays with him lots, cooks dinner. I however do everything else. I clean up after said dinner, for example. I make breakfast and lunch. I am currently working full time and DP is on a break (due to start new job in May). You'd think I have nothing to do since DS is in full time childcare, we have a cleaner and I am supporting a grown man to stay home. No, I have no time for a lot really. Laundry, car insurance, I don't know, just absolutely everything falls to me. We currently have 2 nappies left and I have to go to the shop to buy some.

He will do stuff if I ask. Until he gets annoyed with too many requests and decide I'm a nag. So I usually don't ask anymore (and he then says he would have done it if I had said anything).

Until a month ago, he had never taken DS out by himself. Not even on a walk. I had to beg and scream to get him to take DS to the park for 20 minutes on a Saturday morning. He has done it twice now.

I earn far, far more than him.

I'm falling out of love with him completely.

He's around because he's my son's dad. That's it.

I don't know what to do. I'm far too old to meet someone else and have another baby (37) and I wouldn't really be interested in another man anyway. So it feels like a big decision. Not only will DS have split parents, I will also not have any more children which really hurts. I have no siblings or extended family so long term life will be extremely lonely.

I'm also worried he will be a Disney dad and I will eternally be the one that does everything and be the bad one. He's great at entertaining DS so if we split, he'll likely just show DS a great time once a week at the weekend, I'll do all the donkey work and get zero fun.

At least this way it's all under my roof and I can outsource housework and spend as much quality time with DS as possible.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MARRY THIS MAN (CHILD)!!!!!

You'd have less to do without him around.

I'm not going to have another child with him, that's decided. It would be unfair to my child and I can’t bear to have sex with him anyway. I'm just saying I'm also grieving that part of what I wanted from life.

I always wanted a big family. I had a long term relationship from 24 to 31 which ended for other reasons. It took me a while to find someone new and I really thought I hit jackpot. He was wonderful before the baby. He was wonderful for a little while after the baby was born too. But it's like....he got bored after 2-3 months and went back to living his old life.

I'm feeling so, so, so sad right now. Sort of disappointed in him and also myself. I don't know why I have to be picky. I think if he at least supported us financially, I'd feel he is contributing. But he isn't. And this recent career break is going to be the last straw.

You don’t need to make any decisions right away.

Stop doing stuff around the house and see what happens. Just do you own laundry and food.

Get a hobby and spend some evenings out the house. Live your life for you.

You're not being "picky". You're not choosing a restaurant.

He’s a useless sack of shit. Honestly so bloody pointless. Leave him. Put your £ toward bloody good childcare.

If you arent married and earn well then getting out is much easier. You could get an au pair instead. Stop doing his laundry and start going out or book weekend trips on your own so he can get more skilled in solo parenting. Just pay essential bills you don’t have to fund anything else for him.
Also it’s not true dc like the Disney dad more - once they are teens they will see this for what it is. It took until my dc emerged from the teen years to feel they really appreciated me but now they show it all the time.
I know a few women who have had children on their own on purpose and having had a useless exH I often wish I’d done it that way. I ended up a single parent doing all the work anyway. You could also foster etc. There are options for strong resourceful women.

If he's out of work until May why is he sending DS to nursery ful time? I know DS will need to go from May but he could temporarily reduce the hours or, if the nursery won't allow it, pay the full price but only put DS in a few hours a week. Surely DS is better spending time with his dad than in a nursery.

This
Please give the relationship another chance.
Son is so young and a major life change for you both.
A serious conversation is required

Disagree with your advice on having another baby b4 leaving him. Unethical and unfair.

Yes this. Your load will decrease . I had one of these. He's gone, god life is good now

You are certainly not being an ungrateful b®®®®.
Ime, there is nearly always much less change for the man after kids.
I understand your frustration and resentment right now which is totally justified.
Please don't make any rash decisions.
Single parenthood is lonely and hard but your husband needs to make changes for your relationship to work.
Step by step, take care OP.

Presumably once he returns to work he’ll stop the overnights.

I think it’s fine tbh, it’s not like she will be leaving him to be a single dad. The kids will then grow up with the best shot an an equal childhood

if he wants to keep her, he should change his ways

I really hope you don't think you should just be pleased your child's father isn't mean or abusive to you and gets up in the night to, you know, parent his child. What nonsense. He doesn't stop veing a parent come bedtime. Sound like your friends have low expectations too.

He's managed 4 solo holidays in 18 months but he couldn't take his kid to the park for half an hour? Come on OP, that's really poor!

It sounds like he has said he can't or won't change and "better than a lot of men" is telling when the bar is so low. So I don't know where you can go from here really but not suprised you have fallen out of love.

Not one single bit of this is you being an ungrateful bitch. I’d tell him I can’t accept anymore that he’s a poor partner and a worse dad, that at best hes a fun uncle to his own baby, and we are done.

i guess the big fun baby will have to support himself for this career break. See how fun that is.

It would be unfair to my child and I can’t bear to have sex with him anyway

That in itself is a good reason to break up with him @DarkPlace213

In your shoes I'd get him to pick up the slack. He says you nag? Well so what. That's just his way of getting out of being responsible for any of the drudgery. Send him to get the nappies or whatever. Leave him a to do list Make life easier for yourself. Time he grew up.

OP, I now have an XH. DD is almost 6 and we've been apart for ~18months. He's gone from 2 nights eow to daytime only. Apparently this will change when his house completes but I'm not holding my breath.
Is it hard? Yes. We now live an hour apart so any illness is on me. I do the Mon-Fri so need bomb proof childcare.
Could I do it with 2? Absolutely not. My parents are great but would not be so involved with a younger second. I'd have to say no to swimming, drama etc It's hard knowing I won't have a second (+40 so that ship has sailed) but I'm so grateful for what we do have.
Am I happy? YES! We are finding our groove after recently moving into our forever home.
Like you, I asked for counselling. Didn't happen. I didn't get the benefit of cooking or night wakings or lie ins, regardless resentment is so hard to come back from. He might be a bit better than some men but it's a low bar.
I'm pretty confident I can take the bins out and put petrol in the car! Hell, i can even reverse into the drive now.
Use between now and May to have the hard conversation(s) to see if there is hope for change and get any financials together. If DP not DH then it may or may not be of benefit to you.

What relationship?

She had one toddler and a useless partner - would anyone be giving her the same kindness you seem to be giving this sack of shit if she was behaving so appallingly?

Major life change? Poor guy.. Cry me a river. She seems to have managed, so he can too.

OP, he's a loser.
Stop being used by him.
You deserve so much better.
Definitely better to be alone than wasting your life and money funding a waster.

I agree with the PP that said don't make any big decisions now. You are both still in the very stressful child rearing phase that's hard on most marriages. Plus, honestly, if you want more than 1 child, your current marriage is your most practical option. Regardless of the anecdotal stories people post on here, women's fertility begins to drop over 35.
But in the meantime, prioritise yourself.
Try leaving some things undone and stop caring so much about what you think he should be doing. Lower your standards. It's disappointing but less of a mind storm for you.
You give all your energy over to him whenever you focus so much on what he should be doing.
Give yourself permission to drop some balls yourself. Don't be a martyr mum. Identify the top 2 things you care about the most and drop the other balls. Do only your own laundry. Leave the baby's laundry undone so he can't find a clean change of clothes when he does the night waking. You stand a better chance of him noticing and picking it up then. Some people only learn when the shit hits the fan.
Stop filling every gap he leaves open. Importantly, stop enabling his lifestyle by paying for stuff. Just stop quietly but resolutely.

God, when you put it that way… oof.

Fuck that shit, if my DH is off and I'm working. He will have the whole house spotless and have dinner made, do the dishes. Have done laundry. Been to the supermarket for anything we need. Often even bakes a cake. If it's our sons night of sport, he'd take him to that too.

You deserve so so much more than this. Four solo holidays in 18 months is an utter piss take as well and beyond the realms of normal for a father. My sister in law got pregnant at 44, you could meet someone and have another baby. If not, I'd rather have one child and be alone and financially secure and happy than have two and a man child who I'm financially supporting, whilst working my arse off and doing the majority of stuff at home.

Thanks all, I'm reading everything, I'm just really sad at the moment. I've decided to try counselling, just for myself. I've signed up to a counselling service and waiting to hear back.

I grew up in this dynamic and hated it. My mum worked and did everything for everyone and was / is always stressed and on edge. I don't want to be the same, I really don't. But I don't really know how.