Useless DP, do I stick it out

[DarkPlace213]

We have an 18 month old son. He's good with DS and shares night wakings, plays with him lots, cooks dinner. I however do everything else. I clean up after said dinner, for example. I make breakfast and lunch. I am currently working full time and DP is on a break (due to start new job in May). You'd think I have nothing to do since DS is in full time childcare, we have a cleaner and I am supporting a grown man to stay home. No, I have no time for a lot really. Laundry, car insurance, I don't know, just absolutely everything falls to me. We currently have 2 nappies left and I have to go to the shop to buy some.

He will do stuff if I ask. Until he gets annoyed with too many requests and decide I'm a nag. So I usually don't ask anymore (and he then says he would have done it if I had said anything).

Until a month ago, he had never taken DS out by himself. Not even on a walk. I had to beg and scream to get him to take DS to the park for 20 minutes on a Saturday morning. He has done it twice now.

I earn far, far more than him.

I'm falling out of love with him completely.

He's around because he's my son's dad. That's it.

I don't know what to do. I'm far too old to meet someone else and have another baby (37) and I wouldn't really be interested in another man anyway. So it feels like a big decision. Not only will DS have split parents, I will also not have any more children which really hurts. I have no siblings or extended family so long term life will be extremely lonely.

I'm also worried he will be a Disney dad and I will eternally be the one that does everything and be the bad one. He's great at entertaining DS so if we split, he'll likely just show DS a great time once a week at the weekend, I'll do all the donkey work and get zero fun.

At least this way it's all under my roof and I can outsource housework and spend as much quality time with DS as possible.

I’d mention counselling again and pass him the suitcase

I’ve got a HUGE ick on your behalf that he’s currently unemployed, the child is in nursery and you are making his lunch.

Before you do anything else, please Google celebs that are the same age as you. I always do this when I feel I am running out of time or that I’m too old to do things/start things (I’m 31). It gives you a new perspective and makes you realise how YOUNG you are! And you are so so young. People say life is short, but omg, it can also be LONG, especially with a man like this. Leave at 37, or in 10 years at 47 - it’s your choice. If you leave now, your son won’t know any different.

he shares the night wakings and is currently off work! he shouold be doing most of them

wow he cooks give hima medal

Oh my dear lord. I was sort of in two minds about the situation until you posted this. He isn't kind or charming or a good dad. No decent man would speak to his wife like this. He's basically abusive and treating you like an utter fool. Please listen to someone much older than you - he will only get worse with age and one day you will wake up and wonder why you wasted so much of your life on him. Do not have another baby, love and cherish the one you have and let this misogynistic, entitled prick pack his bags.

How may solo holidays have you had OP?

thought not

what a prize dick he is

I actually agree with this

Make an exit plan. He's made it clear that he has no intention of changing.

So plan a life that works for you and makes you happy. Get some advice on the best time to leave to get what you want in terms of custody and maintenance. Right now he is manipulating you by threatening to leave if you want counselling so feel no guilt about doing what's best for you.

Your last sentence says it all. Pointless moan.

This is enough and your answer. He would rather leave you than talk to you.

Get counselling for yourself, to help you work through this and plan your path. And I agree wait until he goes back to work.

Turn it around to him too... ask him if you were a stay at home mum and he was in full time work... would he expect you to do all the night wakings? Clean the house and do all the mum admin? Would you be allowed to go off on solo holidays? Whilst he continues to work. Would your son still be in nursery all day whilst you were at home doing not much.

He thinks he is a real catch because he cooks?

Please don’t have another child with him, thats beyond cruel to that child.

This is a small practical idea that’s really helped us. We have this app called ‘AnyList’ and you can have shared shopping lists and to do lists etc on there. Obviously it only works if you’re both willing to use it but maybe something like that would help?

Does he not see that you’re tired and stressed and have no time to yourself? Does he not want to help you? What does he see as his responsibility?

I agree. Deliberately getting pregnant when you know you want to leave is beyond awful.

He's not abusive or mean so I think I should count myself lucky.

Respectfully, your bar is in hell.

Please don't let your child grow up with this useless sack of shit for a role model, because in 25/30 years time HE will be the subject of a MN post from some poor woman who married him, and his reasoning will be "well my mam and dad lived like this"

Why do you think this is all you're worth?

He isn't nice or charming. He refuses to pull his weight. He is a fucking arsehole.

He doesn't want to talk about it because his life is perfect. He doesn't give a shit about you or how you feel.

Do what you want with that information.

Anti e suggesting that io sticks around to concieve another child before leaving is a horrible person .
That's so unfair on op her child any potential new child and the dp .
Op I do t think he's doing anything majorly wrong it just isn't working out how you'd thought it would and your feelings have changed and that's ok ,,he will be right for someone who would be happy and compatible with his personality and contributions .
Their will also be someone out their for you who will meet all your needs and be compatible to you ,,you are not old you ha e a good 5 years to meet the correct person and start a happy family , DO NOT put you and your current partner in a even worse position than you are now .

Let him!

This. Fucking hell OP, do yourself a favour!

Out of interest, why is he out of work now, with no work till May?

There's a big difference (in many ways) between him being an uber-specialised world-leading expert who is waiting on a highly lucrative contract to start, and someone who got sacked for incompetence. Where is he on that scale and what is he intending to live off till May?

Exactly my thought! 🤣

Hang on, so basically his response is I’m a bit crap but you have to just accept I’m a bit crap as I’m comparatively less crap than some other men??
It’s a no from me. This will just breed resentment and he’s simply not being reasonable. I can understand the fear about your DC having parents that separate but to be honest this would be more healthy for you all. otherwise you’ll have to be putting on a constant act and your DC will sense discord but may not quite know why. You’re doing all the graft anyway and easier not to have to factor your DH in.
I went back to work when my DD was 10 months old. We managed childcare between my DH, mum and I. Our DD always had at least one full day with her dad solo since that time. I’ve never prepared anything for him because he knows what to do. We try to split some of our annual leave to cover school holidays etc and they go on little ‘road trips’ that my DD loves and I do other things (as well as a joint holiday obviously). If I need to work late/have commitments/go out, he adapts his work schedule and I do for him. You need to feel like you work as a team. It sounds like you’re the team and he’s just a hanger on. I don’t mean to sound harsh but things get difficult in a different way as they getting older. And adding another child with such limited input would only create additional strain. I know there are no clear answers and I hope you find the right one for you x

I totally agree with this advice.
Seems wrong, but it will probably be the best outcome for everyone.

If you let the resentment breed then the house will permanently have an awful atmosphere that your son will be forced to grow up in.

Sounds like it’s your house? So, yep, ask him for counselling and when he says he’ll leave, show him the door.

He’s shown you who he is, believe him.

Ye gods, is his cock made of gold or something because I can't see why else you'd be with him

youve got 2 kids not 1

as PP have said, I'd be mentioning counselling hourly....

I'd leave. There is starting again practically, financially and emotionally. And I think all of them will likely be better for you in the long run if you split sooner.
Ita not normal, and his response to you pointing out the unfairness / your unhappiness isn't normal either. I don't think I'd ever be able to stay in a relationship where I had to remind / encourage someone into doing their equitable share of adult ingredients/ parenting