Useless DP, do I stick it out

[DarkPlace213]

We have an 18 month old son. He's good with DS and shares night wakings, plays with him lots, cooks dinner. I however do everything else. I clean up after said dinner, for example. I make breakfast and lunch. I am currently working full time and DP is on a break (due to start new job in May). You'd think I have nothing to do since DS is in full time childcare, we have a cleaner and I am supporting a grown man to stay home. No, I have no time for a lot really. Laundry, car insurance, I don't know, just absolutely everything falls to me. We currently have 2 nappies left and I have to go to the shop to buy some.

He will do stuff if I ask. Until he gets annoyed with too many requests and decide I'm a nag. So I usually don't ask anymore (and he then says he would have done it if I had said anything).

Until a month ago, he had never taken DS out by himself. Not even on a walk. I had to beg and scream to get him to take DS to the park for 20 minutes on a Saturday morning. He has done it twice now.

I earn far, far more than him.

I'm falling out of love with him completely.

He's around because he's my son's dad. That's it.

I don't know what to do. I'm far too old to meet someone else and have another baby (37) and I wouldn't really be interested in another man anyway. So it feels like a big decision. Not only will DS have split parents, I will also not have any more children which really hurts. I have no siblings or extended family so long term life will be extremely lonely.

I'm also worried he will be a Disney dad and I will eternally be the one that does everything and be the bad one. He's great at entertaining DS so if we split, he'll likely just show DS a great time once a week at the weekend, I'll do all the donkey work and get zero fun.

At least this way it's all under my roof and I can outsource housework and spend as much quality time with DS as possible.

He's taken four solo holidays, of 1-2 weeks each, since DS was born. My life was, hand on heart, easier each time. However that was temporary and long term I think single parenting is very difficult. I think what makes it harder is how nice and easy going and charming he is. He hasn't done anything wrong. And many of my friends with kids have said they would give anything to have a man that shares the night wakings....

I feel like he's not doing nearly enough but that I'm really fucking stupid to have ever expected things to be equal. He's not abusive or mean so I think I should count myself lucky. Pre - baby we were pretty equal (life is easy without kids) and he was very, very excited to be a dad. But his life has carried on mostly the same, while mine hasn't.

I don't know how much of this is not ok, and how much it's me being an ungrateful bitch.

Don’t have a second baby’s and then leave him that’s actually immoral in my opinion .

We have had many calm conversations and also arguments about this. It hasn't made a difference. He has said this is who he is, he won't change, he thinks he's better than most men and I have to accept it. To my shame, I think I do need to accept it.

I asked to go to counselling and he said he will pack his bags and leave if I ever mention counselling again.

I wouldn’t bank on him even being a Disney dad if he can’t even be arsed to take the child/ren out on his own.

it’s not great at all. You could try and get him to do more of the week time drudge if you split, he can’t just have all the weekends. But yeah, you can’t force him to have them at all. Or even pay much if he is a low earner.

Dear lord, help him pack.
What a complete and utter loser.

he thinks he's better than most men and I have to accept it

He's not and you don't.

He's a Disney Dad now and yes, he'll probably continue to be one if you leave him...but at least you won't have to pick up after and do the thinking for a man child as well as you actual child.

Life's too short fo this shit, OP. Yes, it is really hard being a single mother. But it is so much easier than being a single mother married to/living with a lazy, selfish man-child.

So he’s nice and chilled so long as he doesn’t have to step up.

Nails it.
But you're not too old to meet someone/ have more children if that's what you want

Am sorry but he sounds like an idiot thinking that he's better than most men instead of supporting you as his patner, can't take his own child to the park OMG poor child. He's one of the shit men out there

" he'll pack his bags if I mention counselling again" - I'd mention counselling...

I agree, he's completely missing the point. It's not about being "better than most men" (sorry but who is he to declare himself so?!) It's about being the partner you need and the dad your DS needs. He is taking you for a mug and taking advantage of you.

And many of my friends with kids have said they would give anything to have a man that shares the night wakings....

It sounds like your friends have chosen shit partners.

He should be doing ALL of the night wakings if he’s not working.

The only time a man should be doing less night wakings is when they’re working and their partners are on maternity leave.
As soon as the mum goes back then it should be 50/50.

Don’t think they aren’t secretly judging you/him for not working and fucking off on holiday regularly without you.
They just don’t want to say it to you.

I agree

Mention counselling 3 times a day

What a vile useless god awful bloke

He sounds like a loser, and you sound like you deserve better. A few nights wakings does not a good man make.

If you like being a mum, and have a good handle on it emotionally, physically and financially would you consider having a second anyway? And then LTB? In my experience two isn't that much harder than one but obviously that depends on context.

It sounds like you're grieving that part of the life as much as you're grieving the man you thought you had.

I say that with a lot of jaded spirit because I am on the verge of separation and feel so bitter that I am never having a third baby. Even if I stay I can't trust him enough not to be a rat bastard.

In a little more of an effort to be balanced - what would happen if you booked yourself a weekend away? Could he cope well enough that you're comfortable leaving your child with him?

‘I want to go to counselling!!!’

I had a step dad who was like this

shite and a terrible husband but not physically abusive or attractive enough to cheat, and ‘took on’ my mums dd (me)

he also read the guardian 😅

anyway, have another one and leave - you aren’t happy and he won’t change.

being a single parent isn’t easy but it’s easier than being with a useless man imo

It’s very much easier to be a single parent to one child than it is to two.
Also, it sounds as though you would probably get every other weekend to yourself which is much more time to relax than you currently get.
I would call time on this. You’re far too young to be stuck in this situation forever and tbh it doesn’t really sound viable. You can do it soon or in 5 years with more pain.

If my dp was not working, he would be given a daily list of jobs I expect to be done by time I arrive home from work. If he gives you the crap of not knowing how to work washing machine etc, leave instructions.

Yes! At least that way he packs his own bags rather than expecting OP to do it for him.

Any man who thinks he’s amazing just because he’s not beating his wife up needs to get in the bin.

pack his bags - its much easier being a single parent than putting up with this shit!!

get him gone!!

In this response, you have your answer. He’s not prepared to change, not prepared to take steps to improve things. I’d mention counselling again, and then he can end it for you….

Wait to dump him until he's back to work. You don't want to pay him child support to stay home.

Wrong thread