Giving money to adult children?

[Menonut]

I don’t want to jump on the Beckham bandwagon but I’ve just read that Nicola Peltz receives an allowance of $1 million a month! Surely that’s insane?
What motivation has she got to go out and achieve anything for herself when she can basically sit on her backside and receive that.
Is that madness or AIBU?

I understand wanting to help your children and do the very best for them, and we will help our son as much as we can to get his foot on the ladder, but surely a time comes when they’ve got to be self sufficient and stand on their own two feet?

I’ve always like Peter Jones’s approach to this. He said he will double his kids earned income so if that income is 0 they will receive 0. If they choose a role that is in the charity sector or the NHS for example the amount he gives them will be increased. This means they are not scraping a living on minimum wage, but they have a purpose to their life.

It’s a shame then that D&V didn’t give them better tools to make their own livings instead of not putting emphasis on education and just focusing on red carpets and luxury yachts as normal.

We earned everything we have. At 70, we choose to help our only DC, who is an agricultural apprentice on NMW (with a creative degree) to cover the cost of living in Surrey. Our needs are met, we can't go on sunny cruises because of DH's medication; our house is paid for, and there's something in the bank for food and medical care, and exercise classes and books and clothing etc.

I mean, they're not remotely what I would consider struggles either.

But you're the one who said "a bit of struggle gives them tools to cope" - I (wrongly) assumed you were talking about actual struggles, not having to fly premium economy, lol.

Personally if I had the money to help my children, I would. I can't imagine sitting there with thousands in the bank while they went without.

I find this really sad.

I’ve worked since I was 13, now own a house with a husband and a child and have a good job but my parents still occasionally pay for something (we had some floors recarpeted recently and mum just sent the money for it even though we’d already budgeted for it) or transfer money to treat ourselves. That behaviour doesn’t stop me working hard or appreciating what I have and it’s something I will do for my own child when they’re older.

granted they’re not the Peltzes but they have a comfortable life and like being able to treat their children.

She goes to a selective private girls school in London

• his mother’s

That’s lovely of your parents. They still want to make your life easier. And it will give them joy too.

Probably more about saving himself tax than doing the best for his daughter- yes the really rich really are different.

My parents are the same as yours, it's lovely :) DH's too.

We own our home, run our own businesses etc. but my mum still sent us money to buy a new washing machine a couple of years ago, and when we got married, DH's parents wrote off the money they loaned to help us with our house deposit and solicitors fees.

DH's dad also helps look after our dog while we work and refuses to take any money - if we offer, he will shove it back at us and tell us not to be "so bloody daft" ha.

But that is what their actual struggles are 🤷🏻‍♀️ Because money has been thrown at everything else, personally yes I would also help but I would want to do it knowing the had the skills and where with all to take care of themselves too.

Right, but they're not lacking in skills because they've had money handed to them over the years. That's a false equivalence.

I work hard, full time. I enjoy my job but it’s not my purpose in life. I do it to pay for nice things. My purpose is to have a fucking fabulous life and that includes making sure my son does too! If I could bung a million a month then I absolutely would!

What's wrong with giving your children money if you have plenty? What's so good about making them struggle, 'because it's good for them'. I remember struggling and it wasn't good for me.

Exactly.

Why would anyone want to see their children suffer, struggle and go without when they can easily afford to prevent it? It's such a bizarre way of thinking to me and seems so unkind and cold.

I meant that as in I personally would happily pay for education etc I just wouldn't pay thousands monthly to provide the equivalent of a wage.

Threads like this always make me laugh. I, hand on heart, can honestly say I would find way more "life purpose" on a beach in Costa Rica than I would in an office working as an accountant.

Yes, if I was a billionaire, I'd happily give my kids loads of money so they can do whatever they want to do in life. And, hopefully, it would be joining me on that Costa Rican beach!

Same

I think Peter Jones’ position has been slightly misrepresented. I don’t think he said he wouldn’t financially help his DC it was more that it may not be equitable and he wasn’t going to give them his whole fortune. For example if one became an entrepreneur and was earning millions and one became a nurse or teacher he would give the latter more help.

Helping DC to go to uni, buy a house etc. is reasonable. Giving £1m per month for life is not helping them to become functioning adults.

Expecting DC to learn life lessons e.g. how to earn a living, co-operate with others, resolve disagreement via compromise etc. is not unreasonable.

Why would you want your child to have to go out and work if you could comfortably afford for them not to? She can focus on enjoying her life and possibly in the future raising her babies without needing to worry about "achieving".

That's very true. There are four ways of getting 'value for money'. Most people equate the concept with getting a 'good deal' (something cheaper than normal), but the value of money is established by the person spending it.

If I buy anything for myself, I am, by definition, getting 'value for money'. It's my money and I've bought something for myself that I wanted at a price I consider to be acceptable.

If I buy something for somebody else, I'm spending an amount that I'm comfortable with, but the gift recipient might not want that item, so I get value for money, but they might not.

If I told somebody to buy something for themselves and to send me the bill, they would get what they want, but I might not be happy about the price. They would get value for money, but I might not.

Finally, I could tell them to buy something for somebody else and to send me the bill. In that scenario neither I nor the gift recipient would get value for money. They might have bought something different, given the choice, and I might not be happy about the price.

Government spending is always the final scenario and by far the worst way to get value for money. Spending should always be kept as close to the person paying the bills as possible.

My purpose has never been remotely related to my job. It's annoying thing I have to do so I can get paid enough to pursue my actual passions. I'd have a much more purposeful life if I didn't have to waste 8 hours a day earning money. And it's a perfectly nice job, well paid, not stressful and my colleagues are nice. But it's just my job. I always think it's a bit sad when someone's most important part of their life is their job.

What if your children were disabled or couldn’t work full-time for some reason - would your stance be different then?

God exactly - and I say that as someone who actually enjoys their job 🤣

So if you insisted you wanted to buy them a fairly big ticket item or give them money you’d be ashamed if they accepted?

I will definitely help my children if I am ever in a position to do so. I’m not at present but would love to.

My mum always felt bad she couldn't afford to help me get a house, but I agree being forced to work hard is good for you. As I don't do the lottery, it's very unlikely I could ever give my kids this much, but even if I suddenly became rich, I wouldn't. Experts say that spoilt kids given too much (money or other things, for example kids getting away with everything/always being treated as a prince or princess) are actually far more likely to abandon their parents or have a bad relationship with them.