Giving money to adult children?

[Menonut]

I don’t want to jump on the Beckham bandwagon but I’ve just read that Nicola Peltz receives an allowance of $1 million a month! Surely that’s insane?
What motivation has she got to go out and achieve anything for herself when she can basically sit on her backside and receive that.
Is that madness or AIBU?

I understand wanting to help your children and do the very best for them, and we will help our son as much as we can to get his foot on the ladder, but surely a time comes when they’ve got to be self sufficient and stand on their own two feet?

I’ve always like Peter Jones’s approach to this. He said he will double his kids earned income so if that income is 0 they will receive 0. If they choose a role that is in the charity sector or the NHS for example the amount he gives them will be increased. This means they are not scraping a living on minimum wage, but they have a purpose to their life.

I woukd not believe everything the media says, especially The Daily Mail.

👆🏻this and we’ve recently had a lesson on it in our family.

My family came from nothing on both sides, worked incredibly hard and made good financial decisions, myself and both my brothers have repeated this having been brought up to understand the importance, although we have been supported in small ways when we show commitment ourselves, but always equally.

My husband, raised by his father, same as us.

His stepmother… brought up filthy rich, no concept of money at all, has basically made stupid decisions, tossed money up a wall over many years, been bailed out by her brother many a time. Brother can no longer keep bailing due to his own ill health, although bailing her out has simply left them in an even worse position, and now her and by FIL (who believes in the ‘happy wife happy life’ concept and just cow-tows to her and her ‘mental health issues’) are having to live in one of my mothers rentals with her brother as guarantor at the moment (won’t leave my mum vulnerable after how sensible she’s been all these years). We were due to help them out in buying a place, but MIL need for control over the money saw her make a stupid decision at Christmas that means that’s no longer possible, so who knows how this will play out how long term 🤷🏻‍♀️.

My advice to anyone, respecting it’s everyone’s choice, helping here and there is fine, but make sure your kids know how to do the best they can for themselves and invest, even if you reward them a little along the way.

50p a week or £50k a year?

I think if we can. We do. My DD lives in my house in London (I don’t). She shares with two roommates & their rent covers the bills & her an allowance … she’s a student. She plans to work over summer (and save her allowance for her gap year 😂)…but it’s essentially not costing me anything. Life for young people now is enough of a struggle. I always thought I would be a tough love Mama …stand on your own two feet, fly the nest etc as that’s how I was raised, but I’m not 🤷🏼‍♀️ I want my DDs to have an easier life than me and the space and time to enjoy their youth and make the right decisions. Would I give them a million a month if I had it??? Probably not … that kind of money could do a whole lot of good in the world. I probably wouldn’t do much differently.

What motivation has she got to go out and achieve anything for herself when she can basically sit on her backside and receive that.

I guess it comes down to, do you have to achieve something? And there are self-starters that don't exclusively do things for money.

My mum gives me £100 a month which is a lot for her. She tells me to save it for her grandchildren’s future. So I do. I would be embarrassed otherwise.

I think they have to launch themselves into the world. I’d help them get a property if I had that money but then they’d be on their own

I am from an Asian culture. Parents give money to adult kids, adult kids give money to parents when they need it, nobody charges each other rent unless poor etc! We have paid for our kids’ university fees and they worked very hard, and got grad jobs. I will help with house deposits if I can. Zero regrets. It’s what we do in our family and has no bearing on work ethic.

But you would be able to continue freely to enjoy your business it would be an option not a necessity, i am sure lots of rich people do things that give them purpose.

I work for a very wealthy self made women who heavily subsidises her adult children's lives (one has an unemployed partner and child the other is at uni which is different) and it shows me that it's a terrible idea. Help, support and a leg up of course but paying for the day to day living for healthy capable adults in their 30's isnt good for anyone. If they were contributing or giving back to anyone other than themselves in a meaningful way (or where just nicer people) I could see the merits but I also think that they should have to pay tax on it.
I feel some parents smooth the way too much for their children, a little bit of struggle gives them tools to cope and a sense of pride and achievement.

Why shouldn't people have a smooth ride if they're able? Why would you want to see your grown kids struggle if you don't have to?

Where is the actual moral value in struggling, though? Does it really make us better people to struggle? I don't know if it does. I think plenty of us would be far more altruistic than we are if we didn't have to spend all our time and energy on doing jobs we don't like just to survive.

I agree - we do this too. They work very hard and it helps our grandchildren.

It gives my parents pleasure to help us and our kids financially. I hope to do so too if my time comes as a grandparent too. My kids are grateful and work very hard, and I love helping them when I can. Some people think that helping kids after they turn 18 leads to a life of laziness. That doesn’t have to be the case!

Thank you! Some sense spoken. You could still teach your kids to be appreciative without holding them literally to ransom with money.

this is my view. If I can help my kids then I will - and they can look after me when I am old and infirm!!!!

I think it’s important to think critically about where our values around work come from. We live in a capitalist society. Does work have intrinsic value? Are there other ways to live a good life besides working and achieving? Maybe Nicola is happy. There’s a reason why a lot of people who don’t need to work don’t. Fulfilment can be found through other avenues when we’re not shackled to making money.

There isn't a moral value in it at all - MN is just weird when it comes to work and money.

Why would you let the state waste hard-earned money if you had a better way? The one thing that 50 adult years has proved to me is that if you allow a person who didn't earn the money to direct how it is spent, then 90% of it will be wasted.

Ah, this would make sense. I have a family member who married into a wealthy family across the pond. Surprisingly small amount in her will when she died, considering she’d sold a large house to downsize to a small flat.

Seemingly, he’d persuaded his mother to transfer him a large amount of her savings as he wanted to appear be as affluent as her family were.

Well, when you're a born billionaire, I guess you just have to find a purpose that isn't making money. Most of us have stuff we'd rather do than work.

What motivation has she got to go out and achieve anything for herself when she can basically sit on her backside and receive that.

Perhaps her motivation wouldn't be money. Plenty of people without money drift aimlessly.

Because they create other problems, it makes smaller issues the big problem and they don't know how to deal with them because someone has always smoothed the road.
I also don't know that I would call it real struggle to have to fly premium economy rather than business, pick a slightly cheaper carpet, accept the free car even if it isnt the one you want, make and pay for your own appoiments, pay your own small income tax? Because childcare, mortgage, holidays, clothes, food, renovations, gym etc were already taken care of.

I know someone who has two sons. This person is wealthy and self made. Their sons are both in their late 40s/early 50s and living in a flat above the (large) garage. They both work for a bit and then travel. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I'll want to help with uni, weddings, house deposits etc where possible, but I think children need to learn to stand on their own two feet, ultimately.

My kids both have student debt but I can’t help them. I’m not going to beat myself up feeling like a failure because of it.

We gave both our sons their house deposits plus helped with furnishing said houses. We sometimes still take them on holiday and we have recently bought one son a new (to him) car as he needed a bigger one as grandchild number two arrived.
They’ve never asked for any of it but are appreciative. They both work hard and I’d rather give it to them now when they need it most than spend decades with it sitting in the bank waiting for us to die.

Nicola’s father is a billionaire.

That kind of life and financial situation is so far out of my realm of expertise that they might as well be living on the planet Mercury. Or maybe I should.

But most of all, their living arrangements are none of my never mind.
I don’t know them.
I mind my own business.

I’m going to concern myself with people in my OWN LIFE.

It’s my dearest friend’s birthday today. All my energy will be focused on her — and not on people I read about in the news.