To ask new partner to move in to help with our baby?

[DizzyDrone]

First off, I've been with my partner since Feb last year. I have a 7 & 8 year old from a previous relationship, dad not involved & hasn't been for year's. He has a 6yo, he's widowed and has been since just after his son turned 2.

We met when the boys were 3 at the school nursery, they're now Y2

I got pregnant very early on, I'm sure I'll be judged. I don't take contraception like the pill/implant as I physically can't, I haven't found one that works for me. We were using condoms, he had no issue with it and we were when baby was conceived. There was no time we didn't.

We were both initially shocked, but we got our heads around it and decided to keep the baby, his late wife's family have been incredibly supportive too which I appreciate.

I gave birth to our baby last week on the 22nd. Through an emergency c section, we went into hospital for reduced movements, baby ended up in distress, the cord was around his neck. DP lost his wife during childbirth and their little girl, so this was obviously triggering for him. I've told him he can talk to me, he assures me he's okay but I can't help but worry for him and feel guilty in a way.

Anyway, he's been great with our baby, we got home the next day on the Friday, he stayed the night and sorted the kids etc. Then Saturday, my eldest was at respite for the day and overnight (he's autistic and was already planned) and his late wife's family offered to have DS as well as his son like originally planned. I didn't expect this at all but they are close and Bothloved it. It was just us and baby all day Saturday and overnight, then Sunday the kids came back. After he'd picked them up, he got back here and cooked dinner, they all got into their pjs here and we watched a movie, he put my eldest to bed (eldest wanted him to) and took his son home.

Yesterday, he came here in the morning to pick up DS2 and left his car here and took both boys to school, and spent the day here with me and baby and then picked them up, made dinner and went home etc. Today he did the same except he didn't make dinner because his son had swimming and I obviously didn't want him to feel pushed out, DP told me to text him if I needed anything but I've stupidly lied.

Today I've struggled as eldest’s school transport was late and delayed which put Him on edge for the rest of the day, I'm in pain still and really struggled with dinner. I had to get my 7yo to. Help put things in the oven and get them out as I can't bend down. DS1 was crying saying he wants daddy. I know calling him that isn't ideal early on, he's got limited words and he hears his son call him that.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to move in/at least stay over more? His son has a bed here, we got bunk beds for him and DS2 as they were staying over during pregnancy, not all the time but we did days out and things.

You’ve just had your baby by c-section and he’s not staying with you to help? How are you coping? I don’t think it would be unreasonable at all to ask him to stay with you.
I had c-sections and remember needing someone to look after me so that I could look after the baby. In fact, my mum stayed with me for a month while I recovered from the operation. The first few weeks are gruelling anyway even without a c-section - you really deserve all the support you can get!
Congratulations on your new baby xx

Didn't you just post this exact thread?

He should absolutely be staying more to do his fair share of parenting your joint child, especially while you're healing. However, moving your boyfriend in long-term really wouldn't be fair on your kids or his.

Did you not discuss this... Like I'm having major surgery ill prob need some help?

He stayed over Friday & Saturday, Sunday was pretty much ok as he didn't leave until about 8pm, and yesterday seemed much better than today but today I've been in a lot more pain than I was as well as eldest being on edge from this morning. It's been a struggle.

We didn't really discuss it no. The c section was unplanned and he told me to text if I needed anything, he's also here all day from when he drops off the DCs at school, he's also been doing dinner but today he couldn't as his son had swimming and I'm conscious on him not feeling pushed out so I think telling him he wasn't going to be taken to his swimming lesson would've gone badly.

How on earth is moving him in going to help with the older children none of this is fair on them

You’ve known each other several years now (nursery - Y2), been together a year, your children get on, there’s no awkward ex issues and you’ve got a baby together. I’m not sure why you’ve not already moved in together - sounds a no brainer to me.

Yes, if you love each other and have a kid, why not? It's good that his late wife's family are supportive, and I hope they can help all of you, it's great for kids to have as many loving adults as possible, You sound caring for respecting how difficult things are for him too, so I hope you can both support each other.

Not to be nasty but I was a lone parent and had a C-section and just got on with it with 3 other kids to look after, you will be surprised at what you’re capable of when you have no one that will help. You were lucky to have people that could not everyone has that.

This

Eh? There are no prizes for heroics - the OP doesnt have noone, she has the baby's father - who should be there helping.

Yep. The baby may have come unexpectedly or faster than you would have planned let’s say, but this is neither of your first rodeos. Things just move more quickly sometimes. I’m not sure why you are trying to act like you’re just casual dating when you have an actual child together.
Just speak to him. Tell him you want to live as a family unit. What you have right now can’t go on forever and causes way more disruption and confusion for the children than just being a couple.

I don’t fully understand - if not now, when you have a baby & need help, when did you intend to live together? And if you’re never intending to live together, in what sense will you be in a relationship? I mean, how would you explain to your baby, when baby is no longer a baby but say 8 years old, why you live separately though still being in a relationship?

It sounds as though the real problem is that there should have been a discussion months ago about whether you intend to live together (and if you don’t, but envisage continuing in a relationship, how on earth this would work without making your shared child feel rejected by his father). This would have given the chance to make sensible arrangements and avoid disrupting children’s lives.

I would have thought the best thing is to have that discussion urgently now - and if you envisage continuing to have a relationship, work out how to move in together without upsetting the children.

In the meantime, assuming you do want to stay together & move in together, I think you have to reach a decision (together) about how much distress would be caused to both sets of children by him moving in now. It may be that it would be so difficult for them (maybe especially for his son) that it would BU for him to do so. In that case you will have to transition more gradually to living together. This leaves you in a very difficult position - of course you need him! - but I think it stems from failure to discuss this earlier, and that kids should not be made to suffer as a result of this.

If the reality is that you think he will not want to commit to live together - & this is why you have not discussed it - I think you are in a very different position & should ask for how long you would want to wait for a man who treats you this way.

OP let this serve as a cautionary tale, since your previous partner is not available at all you mentioned. You and your current baby's father both put it in writing, who is responsible for what, as well as strongly considering a credit and background check for both of you so everything is out in the open. You already have been raising your children alone, possibly without financial support, and to bring in another potential father figure and blending two families together, think about it logically and not emotionally. If you both can negotiate a future together, cards all on the table, then get the duties and financial responsibilities out of the way in a notarized document preferably by an solicitor. Life does not survive on endorphins but by communicating an agreement to avoid any miscommunication. It may sound transactional, but could you afford anymore long-term mistakes?

I remember your original post on this situation, firstly congratulations on new babe.
I think you knew what you would be facing, it’s a bit of a case of you’ve made your bed really. Not right to uproot the son of your partner.

Surely you've had this conversation together prior ???

About when to blend families and live together, being a proper couple? You've had 9 months. Were you just going to raise your shared child alone? Or were you planning on living together further in the future and you think it should be sooner than expected now?

I’m sorry to be blunt but you are pregnant for 9 months. Why are you asking strangers on the web when you had all this time to sort this out?

Are you not going to live together?

@DizzyDrone you will be in a lot of pain if you are doing too much . You bed to look after baby and little else just potter around slow from room to room or the toilet .
He needs to stay for the next few weeks.
Hasn’t he taken parental leave from work?
He really needs to be there with you .

Well you already have a child together which is a pretty big commitment. Do either of you own your own houses, what implications would there be if he did move in?

Do you want him to move in? That's the most important thing, or are you thinking of it just because you need help?

Congratulations on your baby. I think I remember you posting when you found out you were pregnant. Have you had any conversations about blending your family? Has the dad brought it up - like hey what are we going to do when the baby arrives? Or just presuming things will go on with you both in separate houses?

Why on earth was this not all discussed during the 9 months you were pregnant?

@NewGoldFoxI didn't post about this before so no I didn't “know what I was facing”.

We were planning to live together in the future, we've bit been together a year yet so I was worried it was too soon especially because the DC didn't know we were in a relationship, they just knew us as friends and we only started doing days out/sleepovers once they knew. I was especially cautious of my eldest as he's autistic and it takes him quite a while to warm to people, to other people he often looks like he's in his own world if he hasn't warned to them. he did warm to him quite quickly and I do think the fact DP was patient with him helped.

If I didn't have a c section I imagine i’d be fine, my ex was pretty much useless and hands off so I did the baby stage (then looking after a baby and a toddler) on my own but they weren't c sections.

I think that it is very unfair on little kids to change where they live just as a new baby arrives. That’s the sort of emotional trauma that they don’t need after losing their mother.

But it’s reasonable to ask him to do much more practical help for his own new child.

What a car crash set up though really!

Yes, he's on paternity leave right now