To ask new partner to move in to help with our baby?

[DizzyDrone]

First off, I've been with my partner since Feb last year. I have a 7 & 8 year old from a previous relationship, dad not involved & hasn't been for year's. He has a 6yo, he's widowed and has been since just after his son turned 2.

We met when the boys were 3 at the school nursery, they're now Y2

I got pregnant very early on, I'm sure I'll be judged. I don't take contraception like the pill/implant as I physically can't, I haven't found one that works for me. We were using condoms, he had no issue with it and we were when baby was conceived. There was no time we didn't.

We were both initially shocked, but we got our heads around it and decided to keep the baby, his late wife's family have been incredibly supportive too which I appreciate.

I gave birth to our baby last week on the 22nd. Through an emergency c section, we went into hospital for reduced movements, baby ended up in distress, the cord was around his neck. DP lost his wife during childbirth and their little girl, so this was obviously triggering for him. I've told him he can talk to me, he assures me he's okay but I can't help but worry for him and feel guilty in a way.

Anyway, he's been great with our baby, we got home the next day on the Friday, he stayed the night and sorted the kids etc. Then Saturday, my eldest was at respite for the day and overnight (he's autistic and was already planned) and his late wife's family offered to have DS as well as his son like originally planned. I didn't expect this at all but they are close and Bothloved it. It was just us and baby all day Saturday and overnight, then Sunday the kids came back. After he'd picked them up, he got back here and cooked dinner, they all got into their pjs here and we watched a movie, he put my eldest to bed (eldest wanted him to) and took his son home.

Yesterday, he came here in the morning to pick up DS2 and left his car here and took both boys to school, and spent the day here with me and baby and then picked them up, made dinner and went home etc. Today he did the same except he didn't make dinner because his son had swimming and I obviously didn't want him to feel pushed out, DP told me to text him if I needed anything but I've stupidly lied.

Today I've struggled as eldest’s school transport was late and delayed which put Him on edge for the rest of the day, I'm in pain still and really struggled with dinner. I had to get my 7yo to. Help put things in the oven and get them out as I can't bend down. DS1 was crying saying he wants daddy. I know calling him that isn't ideal early on, he's got limited words and he hears his son call him that.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to move in/at least stay over more? His son has a bed here, we got bunk beds for him and DS2 as they were staying over during pregnancy, not all the time but we did days out and things.

My friend works in a tech company and gets 6 months full pay paternity. 12 months is incredible!

Is he there now op?

Again, I didn't post when I found out I was pregnant. I've seen threads where posters have got ripped apart for getting pregnant so early on, it's not useful to anyone. I knew what the replies would've been if I posted about being pregnant after 3 months.

And again, he's here all day after the school run and he then picks up the dc from school and then is here, coons dinner and then he and his son go home. We agreed this whilst I was pregnant but neither if us knew i’d end up needing a c section

I fully believe he would've stayed last night after swimming if I asked but I didn't, I know my children would just want to he at home and comfortable after a day at school and swimming, they wouldn't want to go out again. Even my NT child would be grumpy.

He's entitled to 3 months paternity leave so he's going to take 1 month and then the other 3 later in the year

My husband required it for his HR dept both times

Can she afford to though? If she gets benefits then she would lose all them if he moves in. . And no guarantee he can afford to pay for her kids as well as his own. She doesn't say anything about a job, she may not work as looking after the eldest child

He’s likely out collecting her dc right now!

I think you’ve both handled this extremely poorly. You’ve not considered the impact your choices are having on the 3 older children.

having said that, you sound like a caring, nurturing and considerate mum. You’re speaking about his DC with lots of compassion and understanding. If I were you, I’d ask him to suggest to his DS that they have a little holiday at yours so you can all get to know the baby better.

then, when you’re stronger, he goes back to staying at his. You and he can build time you spend together as a blended family gradually and at a pace which prioritises the older 3.

I speak as a child whose widowed parent shacked up with a new partner incredibly quickly. It destroyed my close and trusting relationship with my parent.

but you also have the right to support from your DP and your baby needs to bond with his dad.

Even if that was the case, they obviously weren’t monitoring how many nappies he was changing whilst on leave

Noone was monitoring how many I changed either, I could have left the baby with a nanny and gone to Lanzarote.

Why on earth aren't you telling him this OP? He needs to be putting more effort in, in fact it's a bit of a red flag that he hasn't taken it upon himself to do more. You've had major surgery, and have just given birth to his child. I've had 2 sections and the 1st couple of weeks are brutal in terms of being limited in what you can do.

Your DP and his son should definitely be having more "sleepovers" whilst you recovdr from surgery.

The key is to keep communicating with each other and the kids and be guided by how everyone is feeling and what everyone needs. Take it day by day.

For the 1st few weeks you need to be doing as little as possible. You will heal so much better. I had 2 sections you don't want to rupture or get infected.

Can he move in for the next 4/6 weeks?

I do get that you are taking to make sure it is OK for his son who has been through a lot with the death of his mother so young. But your sons have been through a lot too. Their father has abandoned them. And now (100x understandably) you are unable to fully meet their needs. You are recovering from a huge surgery. And getting used to your new born.

Congratulations on the baby as well!

My god, really? Thats the stupidest thing ive read on here today and theres some absolute belters today!!

God sake op, just tell them both to move in. You sound like a strong family unit so just bite the bullet.

I’ve had three sections and it’s tough going and painful. For those first few weeks I just pottered about and sat under a baby breastfeeding him. I relied on husband to cook all the meals and look after the other children and the house etc.
I wouldn’t feel bad about saying you need him to stay with you for a few weeks until you’re feeling that you’ve recovered a little. He made this baby with you so he needs to step up. You’ve had major surgery.
you can decide further down the line what the future holds in terms of whether you officially move in together and become a blended family or not.

I've also been asked to provide my MatB1 form to my husband's HR departments both times for paternity leave and that was with 2 different employers. Seems standard practice.

I definitely thought about it a few times

It may well be for some companies, but it’s actually a massive data breach according to my employment lawyer Friend and you would be well within your rights to refuse.

And the Company would be well within their rights to deny paternity leave then too

I disagree. Under GDPR and DP law an employer must show they have a lawful basis under Article 6 (a legal obligation or legitimate interest would suffice) and the MATB1 is medical evidence of the pregnancy and expected week of birth. However, if the mother declines, the other parent’s employer should accept an alternative such as a birth certificate although that means the father may not be able to start their paternity leave until after the baby has been registered.

It's wild to me that you didn't have a conversation about what would need to be the set up if you had a C section or needed to stay in hospital a while or anything.

It's also great that his family and his former wife's family sound great and grounded and supportive.

I think this is something you need to talk with him about not us! haha! Like, just be really clear that you've just had MAJOR SURGERY and you need some extra help at the moment.

I understand why you haven't wanted to go the whole hog and move in together already but with the new baby that's kind of already going to be discombobulating for all of the children. And you. And your partner. And the baby.

Could he move in temporarily for like 6 weeks? Partly as a trial but mostly to be a practical help to you while you heal and help with the care of a newborn.

😂😂 mine never slept. I mainly fantasized about going to the local premier inn overnight... 😂

He definitely should sleep at yours for the first few weeks while you recover!

As a carer she will still most likely receive carers allowance even if other benefits stop, but the reality is finances get blurred when you half-merge households and no one is going to be able to afford anything as long as they are running two separate households. When he acts as stepdad already I assume he doesn’t bill her for taking her son places, and is she not claiming CMS for the new baby now then? At the end of the day she’s struggling and needs help so there’s more to it than money alone. They move in together permanently or temporarily, but even if only temporarily if they aren’t seeing this becoming permanent in the near future then what are they doing still being a couple other than causing mass confusion for the children?
You don’t get the luxury of casually “dating” when you already have a child together, especially when existing children have already got attached. And I’m not saying this in a judgy way at all. I got pregnant when my now husband and I had only been together a few months. We didn’t have children from previous relationships already so it was more straight forward, but I do get the “non-traditional” trajectory it throws you in. A stable family unit is the best scenario, a stable co-parenting relationship if that doesn’t work, but the common theme is stability. Half in, half out, everyone too polite to just voice their needs isn’t doing anyone any good.

I don’t think you should rush to move in together permanently right now if that didn’t feel like the right timing before. That’s a recipe for something going wrong and future resentment.

I think asking him to stay over more or even to move in temporarily for a few weeks is a good idea. I liked the other posters idea of describing it to the kids as a bit of a “holiday” to help out after your surgery and get to know the new baby better.

You all get a sense of what living together would be like before making any long term decisions. If it goes well you could have a conversation about moving in together properly sooner than originally planned. But everyone - including the older DC- gets time to think about it and have their say in it.

Time for an open conversation and good communication. The foundation of any successful long term relationship.