To ask new partner to move in to help with our baby?

[DizzyDrone]

First off, I've been with my partner since Feb last year. I have a 7 & 8 year old from a previous relationship, dad not involved & hasn't been for year's. He has a 6yo, he's widowed and has been since just after his son turned 2.

We met when the boys were 3 at the school nursery, they're now Y2

I got pregnant very early on, I'm sure I'll be judged. I don't take contraception like the pill/implant as I physically can't, I haven't found one that works for me. We were using condoms, he had no issue with it and we were when baby was conceived. There was no time we didn't.

We were both initially shocked, but we got our heads around it and decided to keep the baby, his late wife's family have been incredibly supportive too which I appreciate.

I gave birth to our baby last week on the 22nd. Through an emergency c section, we went into hospital for reduced movements, baby ended up in distress, the cord was around his neck. DP lost his wife during childbirth and their little girl, so this was obviously triggering for him. I've told him he can talk to me, he assures me he's okay but I can't help but worry for him and feel guilty in a way.

Anyway, he's been great with our baby, we got home the next day on the Friday, he stayed the night and sorted the kids etc. Then Saturday, my eldest was at respite for the day and overnight (he's autistic and was already planned) and his late wife's family offered to have DS as well as his son like originally planned. I didn't expect this at all but they are close and Bothloved it. It was just us and baby all day Saturday and overnight, then Sunday the kids came back. After he'd picked them up, he got back here and cooked dinner, they all got into their pjs here and we watched a movie, he put my eldest to bed (eldest wanted him to) and took his son home.

Yesterday, he came here in the morning to pick up DS2 and left his car here and took both boys to school, and spent the day here with me and baby and then picked them up, made dinner and went home etc. Today he did the same except he didn't make dinner because his son had swimming and I obviously didn't want him to feel pushed out, DP told me to text him if I needed anything but I've stupidly lied.

Today I've struggled as eldest’s school transport was late and delayed which put Him on edge for the rest of the day, I'm in pain still and really struggled with dinner. I had to get my 7yo to. Help put things in the oven and get them out as I can't bend down. DS1 was crying saying he wants daddy. I know calling him that isn't ideal early on, he's got limited words and he hears his son call him that.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to move in/at least stay over more? His son has a bed here, we got bunk beds for him and DS2 as they were staying over during pregnancy, not all the time but we did days out and things.

12 months paid paternity?? Thats not a thing

Not the point of this thread but I had an emergency c-section and was home the next day. I was perfectly fine, doing long pram walks straight away and moving about. Only certain movements caused some discomfort but it was very much manageable. So I’m not surprised they discharged her the next day, in fact I think that’s normal from what I’ve heard unless you’re really struggling

So you can have sex with him but can't him ask him a simple question?

Is your partner off work on 2 weeks paternity leave ?
He should be helping you

People are living on the streets and just get on with it. It doesn't mean that's the standard we should all accept does it?

I think it could be difficult for him to move in now and for his child bot to feel pushed out

Im not a fan of loads of changes for children at once. Your kids and his child have a brand new sibling. Suddenly then living together, uprooting his dc from his home may be very destabilising. Even more so if he has to share a room. Sleepovers totally different to sharing a room with an step sibling

The fact he keeps taking his son home would indicate to me that your partner isnt ready to move in

Well maybe where you live but certainly not where I live. It's a major abdominal operation and you should be kept in for a few days. Great that you were doing long pram walks the day after I guess.

What?! What about the child they share?

You've had nine months to work out what you're doing here, and if the answer wasn't moving in together at some point during that stage, then it's still no.

He's got to and is going to prioritise his son. This is a really mixed bag and needs managing with consideration, not in a knee jerk post op panic.

That one isn’t aware of anything much right now and the situation will be their norm. These dc have lost their other parent (one by not being involved one died) then had their whole lives changed yet again in a huge way now and they were here first. Of course their needs need prioritised

I have a good relationship with his son and he gets along well with ds2, they're now in separate classes at school due to school mixing the classes up so it's not like they'd have to be together 24/7 at home and school. They love sharing a room a room at the moment and were excited about the bunk beds but if that changed we could look at separating the rooms but the plan all along was we move somewhere bigger in the future, we currently both rent. My house is bigger than his (has an extra bedroom), so hopefully we’d be able to move in the next 18 months+. There's limited 5 beds especially for rent so it'd likely have to be a 4 bed so the middle boys would have to still share but we would likely give them the bugger room to be able to partition, my eldest only uses his room to sleep with his safe sleeper bed so he doesn't wander in the night, so he'd likely have the smallest room as he does now.

I don't expect dp to be daddy and I haven't told them to call it to him, my eldest is autistic and speech delay and he's obviously heard it from his son so he's picked up on it too. If we tell him to stop, it wouldn't have any affect. I've made it clear to both DP and his son that I'm not trying to replace his mum but he is lovely and we get on well.

No I don't think you should ask him to move in just to help. There are three (?) other children to consider, so moving in together would need to be something that is in their best interests too. If you both thought it was, you'd have done it already?

Yes he should. Is he planning on keeping two family homes forever, it’s a bit late to be worrying about uprooting his DS.

What about the other children, especially the child who is autistic and struggles with change? Blending families should be a gradual change, not hazardly put together because of the poor decision making of adults. They've not even been together a year!

Sounds very familiar that you got preg within a few weeks and he’s widowed

you haven’t ever posted ever anything about This relationship / pregnancy ?

sure I’ve read something very similar maybe just before Xmas

but either way / yes its very quick. You got preg within a few weeks of getting together - did you discuss what would happen in the future ? Moving in together or living alone in the long run.

but yes while you are recovering from a cs it would be nice if he could stay

you have to take both older kids into consideration when planning whether to live together and blended families

There’s absolutely no reason why he shouldn’t be doing more overnights- even just for the remainder of paternity leave. The kids are obviously used to being under one roof overnight. The situation can then be assessed when the children are more settled into having a new sibling.

I think you posted about this when you'd just found out you were pregnant, back in July.
Very slightly different circumstances.
Apologies if you're a different poster

Anyway. I've had four caesarean sections and I needed lots of help in the early postnatal period. Most women do. It's major surgery, after all. I'd ask the baby's father to move in for another fortnight at least.

Absolutely he should be doing more. The fact that none of this has been discussed between them shows the lack of maturity in the relationship and is another example of their poor decision making.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with him moving in permanently. I think that's a big upheaval on all the other children (baby know no different). New sibling is a big change... moving in together ontop of that would be huge. I would stick to the plan of finding somewhere bigger in 2027 or even later this year.

Great that he's there every day and helping out with your kids, but I do think his son deserves to sleep in his own bed / house sometimes. Perhaps they could stay at yours at the weekend when he's not getting up for school the next day and treat it like a normal sleepover.

I would suggest that your DP needs to allow you to rest / nap throughout the day, he needs to be doing all the meal prep. Fine for him to leave early to take his son to swimming, but equally fine if the child misses one session!

If he needs to go out, he should have dinner already prepped or order a takeout! You'll be having a bit more pain the more you do and you are clearly doing a the nightshifts which are gruelling especially with a C Section.

Sorry to be harsh, but if he's on paternity leave but not using that time to support you and bond with the baby, without you having to chase him, he sounds useless and uncaring.

I'm on the fence about moving in, I imagine that decision depends a lot on the needs of both your elder dc, but I see absolutely no excuse for him not being there all day during the daytime. You've just had major surgery! Why on earth does he think you're the main parent and he can skip about popping in when it suits him?

She has repeatedly said he's there all day... from morning to bedtime

He should be there as much as humanly possible right now. Especially being on paternity leave for that purpose.

Different companies have different policies. It’s not a statutory right but could be an enhanced benefit. Admittedly it seems unlikely but some employers treat their employees very well.

I think you also need to prioritise your autistic son and moving someone in just after a baby arriving is a lot of upheaval and routine changes.