To ask new partner to move in to help with our baby?

[DizzyDrone]

First off, I've been with my partner since Feb last year. I have a 7 & 8 year old from a previous relationship, dad not involved & hasn't been for year's. He has a 6yo, he's widowed and has been since just after his son turned 2.

We met when the boys were 3 at the school nursery, they're now Y2

I got pregnant very early on, I'm sure I'll be judged. I don't take contraception like the pill/implant as I physically can't, I haven't found one that works for me. We were using condoms, he had no issue with it and we were when baby was conceived. There was no time we didn't.

We were both initially shocked, but we got our heads around it and decided to keep the baby, his late wife's family have been incredibly supportive too which I appreciate.

I gave birth to our baby last week on the 22nd. Through an emergency c section, we went into hospital for reduced movements, baby ended up in distress, the cord was around his neck. DP lost his wife during childbirth and their little girl, so this was obviously triggering for him. I've told him he can talk to me, he assures me he's okay but I can't help but worry for him and feel guilty in a way.

Anyway, he's been great with our baby, we got home the next day on the Friday, he stayed the night and sorted the kids etc. Then Saturday, my eldest was at respite for the day and overnight (he's autistic and was already planned) and his late wife's family offered to have DS as well as his son like originally planned. I didn't expect this at all but they are close and Bothloved it. It was just us and baby all day Saturday and overnight, then Sunday the kids came back. After he'd picked them up, he got back here and cooked dinner, they all got into their pjs here and we watched a movie, he put my eldest to bed (eldest wanted him to) and took his son home.

Yesterday, he came here in the morning to pick up DS2 and left his car here and took both boys to school, and spent the day here with me and baby and then picked them up, made dinner and went home etc. Today he did the same except he didn't make dinner because his son had swimming and I obviously didn't want him to feel pushed out, DP told me to text him if I needed anything but I've stupidly lied.

Today I've struggled as eldest’s school transport was late and delayed which put Him on edge for the rest of the day, I'm in pain still and really struggled with dinner. I had to get my 7yo to. Help put things in the oven and get them out as I can't bend down. DS1 was crying saying he wants daddy. I know calling him that isn't ideal early on, he's got limited words and he hears his son call him that.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to move in/at least stay over more? His son has a bed here, we got bunk beds for him and DS2 as they were staying over during pregnancy, not all the time but we did days out and things.

In the UK, they have to keep you in for 24h but after that you can be discharged provided you’ve met the criteria and are well enough. It is of course a major surgery but the recovery is straightforward in most cases and you are encouraged to move (gently of course).

I do plan on talking to him properly, he has been here all day today again and he's staying over.

Depends what’s in the contract.
Perhaps they need to stipulate that you actually need to physically be with the child you’re claiming paternity leave for. Although that seems like an legal nightmare

The suggestion to get him to prepare meal that didn’t need put in the oven if that’s a struggle on the day he has to leave to take dc swimming is a good one although next week by the next lesson you’ll probably find a huge improvement in mobility. People’s reading comprehension on this post has been shocking. It’s like they just read the title then wade in with their opinion and then ask questions that were answered in the actual OP. Why on earth are people still banging on about paternity leave eligibility. He left in the afternoon on one day!! 🙈

And pat leave is definitely also IMO there for men to look after older children so the mum can focus on the baby. It's just more complicated here because his older child isn't hers.

His older child, the last time a baby sibling arrived in his family, the baby and his mother died. He was 2 but that will absolutely have had a huge impact on him in ways he won't be able to articulate or understand. He needs to retain some focus from his dad and his mum's family to help him through it. Blending super fast isn't a wise choice here

He should be staying for at least two weeks paternity leave - but that should have been planning and explained to his kids too this is a time of big change. Or else he should pay for a maternity nurse for you. It’s too much for you post c section. Get some help in

Yes I would ask him to stay for a couple of nights and see how you get on.

My initial reaction was that he should have stayed for the first 2 weeks at least but realistically you don’t know each other that well, he also has 1/2 dead wives and lost a child and uses his mum for childcare - he may be a wonderful man but I struggle to believe anyone would not be a bit messed up after going through what he’s been through and I would be very careful to not have him and his child move in FT too soon.

You would find it very difficult to get him to leave if things didn’t work out.

Stay with you for a few weeks till you're more physically recovered - yes.

Recruiting some additional sources of help - relatives / school mum friends etc = good.

Move in long term. Not now - that's not a decision to make in a crisis and this is an immediate crisis. In 6 - 8 weeks time when you're physically better some of the urgency will have gone (though yes, tiny babies need exhausting levels of care).

Totally agree.

It seems really silly to be living in separate houses if you’re in a relationship, have just had a baby together and your children all get on well 🤷‍♀️ You will be in each others lives for a very long time if you are both committed to being present parents (which I assume you are from what you’ve said) and if you are planning to stay together, you will be a big presence in the lives of each others children for a very long time too. I think moving in together now will be less confusing and complicated for everyone!!