My partner doesn’t understand my OCD and it’s causing arguments

[Toymice]

I developed OCD as a child, it was very mild and it still is really, it does affect my life slightly but it isn’t debilitating. I go through phases where it’s worse, usually when I’m stressed.

some of the things that I do are turning all of the switches off (apart from the fridge). He assures me that nothing will happen if they are left on and there won’t be a fire because the fuse will blow instead. But I tell him it’s not really about a fire. I just HAVE to do it. I have been stood in a doorway for 10 minutes battling with myself, trying to fight to urge to leave the plug switch alone. But I always end up going back to it and turning it off. He gets annoyed and says what’s the difference between that switch and the one that’s keeping the fridge plugged in?! I told him I know it doesn’t make sense but I genuinely can’t help the urge. I won’t be able to stop thinking about it, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else, I will have intense feelings of anxiety and not be able to sleep if I don’t do it.

At night, I spend a long time doing a kind of ritual. If I don’t do it, I have a feeling of guilt and failing people and it will cause them to die. Rationally I know you can’t make someone die by not doing random things in your house. But I absolutely have to do it and I can’t explain it. I have a voice in my head that is like “if you don’t do this, that means deep down you want your mum to die and you don’t care about her”. Again, he gets angry with me and tells me to just go to sleep, he can’t wrap his head around how I can be so illogical. I have tried explaining but I don’t have the words because it’s just a feeling and there is no logic behind it.

It takes me quite a long time to leave the house because no matter how much I check something is in place, I will always think something is wrong. I will check all the switches, make sure my cats aren’t stuck somewhere and they have access to things etc. yet I will continually check every room of the house over and over again and not believe my own eyes. I will look at the tap and say out loud “I am looking at the tap. It is not turned on. The plug is out and the tap is off” same with the doors “the door is open, I am looking right at it and can see it’s open” but it’s never enough. I will still re check just in case I accidentally closed it and didn’t realise. I will take pictures of everything for reassurance.

My boyfriend can’t really cope with this anymore, it is driving him crazy. Once I am out of the house it’s fine. I don’t have any need to do anything when I’m out of the house. The problems arise when I need to leave or when I need to sleep. So throughout the day, if I’m just at home or out and about, I’m fine. But it is now causing tension and arguments between us because he gets annoyed and exasperated with me and then I get angry at him for not understanding when I have explained I’m not doing any of it on purpose countless times!

Is there any hope for us really? I love him so much, we have been together 8 years and got engaged last year. But I have been recently diagnosed with a heart condition which has made me very stressed and overwhelmed and my OCD is a little worse than usual lately. I know I must be difficult to live with, I can appreciate that. But I also feel very misunderstood and alone. Although, I can’t expect him to understand something so confusing and illogical. I am 32 by the way and partner is 28.

You’re in denial about how seriously this behaviour affects your daily life and your partner. I would seek therapy and support.

In the nicest possible way, it his right to find this difficult.

You need professional help to overcome this as cant be something that you carry on with for rest of life.

I would leave someone who did what you do.

Kindly, this is not mild and you’d probably benefit from seeking some help. I would find it incredibly difficult to live with someone with the behaviours you described.

it must be hard to live this way.

Seek therapy and take a photo of the door, tap etc before you leave.

It would annoy me that you recognise you have an issue but don’t appear to be doing anything about it. The clear route here is therapy.

I developed OCD as a child, it was very mild and it still is really, it does affect my life slightly but it isn’t debilitating. I go through phases where it’s worse, usually when I’m stressed.

It's interesting that you didn't mention how much it affects HIS life, because it clearly does.

What or who are you comparing your OCD to if you think this is 'very mild'?

Oh sorry, I take medication. It does help, it used to be worse so by comparison it feels manageable now and I feel like it is mild. The doctor never offered therapy, he diagnosed me and just prescribed medication

I do sympathise: it sounds very difficult for you.

But yeah, that would drive a saint mad.

Kindly, you say it’s a “very mild” form of OCD, but if you feel compelled to perform rituals every night or when you need to leave the house, that’s a huge percentage of your waking hours.
I would move away from the idea that you need to make your partner understand your condition, and take steps to treat it instead. ERP and CBT have proven hugely beneficial for many people who suffer from OCD.
You want your boyfriend to accept that you “must” do certain things, and give into your compulsions undisturbed, when you should be focussing on questioning whether you really must do those things in the first place.
There is hope - you can get better.
Good luck

I’m sorry because it must be hard but this is not mild OCD it’s pretty severe. If you’re honest with yourself you must understand that it’s debilitating for him as well. Its highly disruptive to his life.

You do need some counselling for this. Have you had any in the past?

it does affect my life slightly but it isn’t debilitating.

Im sorry but that sounds extremely difficult for your boyfriend to handle (it would drive me completely over the edge and I 100% couldn’t live like that long term) and is from the outside very debilitating indeed
You need to access help to deal with your issues and stop minimising them

It’s because I have written the post from my point of view so that I can explain to people my situation and how I fee, how it presents itself etc. I acknowledged at the end that it I know I am difficult to live with and can’t expect him to understand. I do realise that it affects him, sorry, I just wrote the post explaining my situation and how I feel.

He is choosing to stay with me knowing that I have and have always had OCD. In the whole 8 years, this has never changed. It’s not something new, I have had it since I was 8 years old. So if he is unhappy with it and wants to leave then he is well within his rights of course. But he is choosing to stay with me whilst also being angry at me for this. Which is why I am asking if we would be better separated, because I feel like maybe I need to make this decision. I don’t want to make him so miserable, it’s not nice to keep arguing and it’s not nice to see how much it affects him when I am not purposefully trying to upset him

You need to go and get some talking therapies that are designed to help with OCD. I hear what you're saying about feeling like it's mild, but often people with OCD feel that way no matter how debilitated they are by it. It might take a while on the waiting list but go and ask to get on it. I think CBT can be helpful for OCD and that's usually fairly widely available on the NHS. You can also add something where you basically slowly do things that would normally induce an OCD type ritual and then stop yourself doing the ritual, which over time should lessen the need to complete the rituals, but I imagine this is something that would ideally be supervised by a medical professional.

I couldn't live with someone like this.

You need to go and get further help, OP.

Please can people stop saying “I couldn’t live with someone like this” because it’s not helping me. If that was his thought too, he would have left already. If you got with someone who was like this, and thought “I can’t cope with this, I’m off” that is completely understandable and I don’t blame you. And I wouldn’t blame him. But he isn’t doing that! He hasn’t left. He is choosing to stay with me but then having a go at me every day and shouting at me for these things that I can’t control. If he wants to leave, he should do that! That is why I am asking the question here. Because I will need to make that decision, and be the one to leave

I do wonder if some of these comments would be said to someone with another mental illness. “Well I would leave you” is a brutal thing to say in this context

OP just to say that I also have OCD and I hear you and relate to what you’ve described. We know it’s not rational or logical, we know cognitively that no one’s going to die because we haven’t performed a ritual, but the compulsion is impossible to ignore

I’m sorry I can’t offer any advice but I just wanted to offer some solidarity in a disorder that is often met with black and white opinions

Hi OP, I suffered with OCD similar to yours, and had CBT for it. I found it incredibly helpful. I think you do need to address your behaviours (which is one element of CBT - you address the behaviours and gradually the compulsions start to lessen as well). But I don’t think your boyfriend is unreasonable to feel frustrated either. Great that medication helps a bit. It did for me too, but CBT was a game changer.

I have something similar and I think you should have therapy because even if you think it's mild, it's affecting your relationship and having a negative impact on your partner. It sounds like the medication has reduced your symptoms to a level you find tolerable, but it hasn't actually given you any tools to challenge the intrusive thoughts or let them go without acting on them, and that's what you need to really overcome it. It will probably always come back at times of high stress though, so your partner does also need to accept this as part of you and learn how to support you. Maybe couples therapy with a therapist trained in treating OCD would help?

Sounds like you need to get some therapy to help with your compulsions. But he also sounds very unsympathetic. Frankly if he can’t meet you in the middle (accepting your compulsions without rage so long as you are trying to work against them) then he needs to sling his hook.

Getting angry with you isn’t helpful. Your compulsions would really wind me up so I do understand him, but presumably he knew this was you when you got together.

My DS1 has CBT. It is hard to understand from the outside. Esp as the sufferer often knows it is illogical, but is powerless.
Two things spring out. He loves you and wants to be with you. And although OCD is part of you, it is possible to seek help and try to get better. That would help him, but crucially help you too.
CBT helped my DS. It is hard work and you will need support. Hiw is he likely to react to you saying, i know i nees help, can you be a part of that?
Sexondly he neesmds to try to understand your condition. He cant help ypu otherwise.

Is he finding it more difficult since your health issue?

"But I have been recently diagnosed with a heart condition which has made me very stressed and overwhelmed and my OCD is a little worse than usual lately."

Sometimes things seem manageable at the beginning of relationships, but as time goes on it becomes harder. That’s clearly what has happened. And at the start, and when you first move in together it might not feel that bad, but then there are days where you just want to go to bed, or leave the house and it can be infuriating.

My dd is autistic and has had periods of anxiety that are similar to OCD. I love her and support her, but sometimes her insistence on doing things drives me nuts. I can’t really explain why. I obviously try very hard not to express this, but it will be harder in an adult relationship.

What are you wanting from him though? Do you want to gain control over it or do you just want him to accept it so you don't have to try.

People only have so much patience for mental illness if there's no end in sight. Someone making the effort, pulling out all of the stops to gain control over it you find more patience for.

Is it a he'll have to put up with it forever because he always knew it was there or fuck off type of situation? You probably should let him know that.

Are you currently receiving treatment for your OCD?
Your posts don’t read as if you are and that, combined with your initial statement about it being mild and non intrusive are what are getting you these responses
You appear to have accepted the current level of rituals and be brushing them off as not improvable. That might be the cause of frustration?

I think, just some understanding. I did already go to the doctors for it and am on mediation. I do not feel understood or supported. I absolutely understand that this is hard for him to live with a very annoying! But getting angry and shouting at me for these things makes me feel incredibly low because I can’t express to him why I do it in a way that he understands. It’s hard for him to support me when he just can’t wrap his head around the condition. I want to stop arguing about it because we are going round and round in circles.