Is this a means for divorce

[Corkmum1990]

Hi this might be a long one and I'll probably be rambling on but I just feel absolutely worn down. I am a stay at home mum to 3, one teenager with additional needs and two under 5. So I have been with my husband for 15 years married for 4. We have been non stop arguing since November, talking on and off and I just feel very hard done by. It's like I haven't seen clearly for years and now it's making sense more and more. So my husband has a very high paying job in and around 85,000+ per year plus whatever bonus he gets in October. When I had my third son he suggested I stop working because childcare is expensive for our two younger children and my older son needs after-school care with homework and some basic needs. So I went from my own income to just the children's allowance, and I get a once a month payment for my son that has a disability. I started noticing that my husband wasn't very forthcoming with money and he was basically transferring 50 euro here, 100 there. Nothing concrete. Fast forward anyway I kept saying like I need money if I'm going to stay at home, I pay for my own car, family groceries,the boys activities, whatever they need basically and he refused to let me use his bank account he just picked a figure which is 400 per month. Now I eventually picked up a part time job and he refused to watch the boys as he said he was too tired after work so I just quit because I was driving 30 minutes extra to drop them to my parents and 30 minutes to collect them after and he stopped talking to me while I was working. Now fast forward the pay is still 400 per month, he has around 25,000 in savings and we have no washing machine since November, I'm saving for a new one, he said it's up to me to get one because he's saving at moment for us to move to a bigger house. We have no sink or rad in the main bathroom because of a leak he didn't get fixed. Last week I brought the boys to swimming lessons and he gave me his bank card to pay for next term and he text me the pin and said delete this when you're done. Like I don't even know his pin, I have no access to any money, only what he gives me per month. Like I know everyone reading this is going to think what an idiot, it's your own fault and of course I'm well away, I do try, I saved for a year and got the house all new carpets and blinds last year and I started doing odd jobs when the boys are in school like dog walking, one off cleaning jobs, selling on vinted. But I'm completely stuck, we talked about separating after Christmas but he said under no circumstances would he be moving out that it's his house. Like I just feel very alone. Like even last week I got a letter from revenue saying I was due a refund of 300 euro and I said ok perfect il use that towards my son's school trip and the washing machine and I only spotted today the letter said it went to my husbands bank account and he never mentioned it. Fair enough were a married couple but when I text him and asked if he got it he said yes.. You're asking me because?
So I just left it, like I'm 35 I don't get my hair done, my nails, I don't buy myself things, all my money goes on diesel, groceries and the boys. I know I'm not stupid the only solution is get a job and support myself but is this actually a reason to divorce because he says I'm just creating reasons to leave him. Thanks for reading x

Yes, it's grounds for divorce. You don't have to live under the thumb of a tyrant.

You have to check Citizens Information for Ireland OP. The divorce law in Ireland is very different to the UK.

Thanks for the reply, I just have this thought in my head all the time that I'm being selfish, that I should be happy for what I have. But then there's this imbalance that he goes on multiple trips during the year, he has soccer season tickets, he drives a nice car, and im just stuck. I can't understand why I know the difference between fair and unfair but I self doubt then at the same time.

Honestly I'd leave. He will have to give you a lot more than 400 euro a month once you're separated. And you'll maybe be entitled to some benefits too as a single parent of 3. It's financial abuse OP as I think you know yourself. Get rid.

You don't need a reason to divorce these days

This is financial abuse. He is using money to control you and keep you in your place. I'm guessing if he did the washing then the machine would be replaced pretty quickly! You would be so much better off financially and emotionally if you divorced. Get some legal advice so you know the best steps to take next.

How are you managing to do the washing at the minute with no machine?

This sounds like really bad financial abuse to me. Someone made it sound like you’re in Ireland, can you look up some support like Women’s Aid there and speak to them? They will be able to help you xx

This is financial abuse and grounds for divorce.

@Corkmum1990 Contact Women's Aid. As others have said, this is financial abuse.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was abusing you in other ways too. Please take care of yourself and get somme help from the experts. And try to keep records and screenshots of any conversations including the text about your tax rebate. Maybe try to generate some more if you can by asking him via text to buy a washing machine.

www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/types-of-abuse/economic-abuse/

divorce. How awful is he!. Earning that kind of salary, buying himself season tickets to football, driving a nice car. Meanwhile you’re handwashing his dirty pants in the sink. Fuck that get yourself a solicitor pronto

Thanks for all the replies, @TTCbabynumber22025 I am handwashing smaller items and I use the self service laundry then on a Thursday for bigger items so it's costing about 20/30 euro a week.. but I nearly have enough for a. Washing machine, hopefully Saturday il be able to get one and have it delivered. It's just the fact he couldnt even offer to pay half, he just said make sure you bring the right measurements(it's built into a unit like hidden appliances) because that's all we need is you buying the wrong washing machine.

Not only is it, grounds for a divorce it is also illegal.

Why on earth are you buying the washing machine when you have no job? Is he on crack? Why are you washing his stuff at all, come to that.
You are insane to put up with this, it is totally wrong for him to ban you from earning and then not give you access to his money. You'd be better off divorced, at least you'd have some of his money then? Speak to Women's Aid, this is abuse.

“we have no washing machine since November”

OP, I just don’t know how you’re managing - I certainly wouldn’t be washing so much as a handkerchief of his. This is coercive control - my ex-DH (note the ex) used to go in for this sort of nonsense, and it’s manipulative and controlling. Don’t let him. He might say he’s not moving: if you are married and you get divorced, you’re entitled to half, including his savings. You need to speak to a solicitor - this really is no way to have to live. Good luck, OP.

Sounds like you're not in the UK, so you need advice from someone in whatever country you are in, because different jurisdictions have different rules.
In the UK, everything you have mentioned would, as PP have said, be grounds for divorce, and possibly also viewed as financial abuse which is illegal here.

this is financial abuse and absolutely grounds for divorce.
But do gather as much info about his finances as you can before you start any proceedings.

IMO that is absolutely a reason to divorce. He’s basically forced you into a position where you are not allowed to make your own money and he is withholding access. He’s made you stay at home to save on childcare fees and seems like all children’s expenses are on you. That’s not what a decent parent/partner would do. Seek legal advice as you’ll likely be a lot better off separated.

Thank you @sesquipedalian . I totally agree with what everyone is saying. I just feel very stuck, I have nowhere to go. When he discussed separating he said he would only move out when the boys are old enough for me to work full time and I can pay the bills and mortgage myself. He also emailed me a separation agreement basically protecting himself and saying the house is to be sold when the children turn 18 and his obligation to me ends then. That I have no access or entitlement to any of his savings, investments , his future pension even. Obviously I I signed nothing but it shocked me that his first thought was protecting his money. It's funny actually because his mother actually lives on her own across the road in a 4 bedroom house, so 3 spare and he said there's no way he's leaving this house. So I'm like ok what am I going to do?

Only got half way through and it’s yes either joint acc or divorce.

My blood is boiling for you. Please please go and see a lawyer or talk to women’s aid.

@Corkmum1990 Oh this is horrific to read. Absolutely you are well within your rights to leave him. I would honestly call a solicitor this week for a meeting. Don't mention to your husband, go while the kids are in school. The solicitor will tell you what your rights are.... but in summary Ireland is a no fault jurisdiction so you don't need a reason to divorce aside from you want to.

Teh solicitor will tell you what you need to be doing in the meantime to get yourself somewhat financially secure before you leave him.

In reality, you'll have a couple of rough months if he is saying he won't leave the home. But a judge will most likely order him to leave, you to remain in the home until the kids are 18 (youngest kid)... if you can you could buy him out during this period or sell the house when kids are 18. He will be ordered to pay maintenance for the 3 kids at minimum (up to when they finish school / turn 18 / leave college whichever happens last). He might also be ordered to pay spousal maintenance given you don't work and he is a high earner! If he isn't, you can go back to work and get 50% of all childcare / afterschool for your eldest paid by him also.

You will get pretty much half his savings, half his pension etc. It'll be a good year or 2 before it's all finalised but he will need to start paying maintenance pretty much straight away.

A few other things in the short term that could help you (because he's not going to make it easy).... even if he is still living with you, you can bring a letter from your solicitor saying you will be undergoing a seperation to social welfare and apply for One Parent Family.

I would hold off on the washing machine in the meantime, or buy one from Humm or something? That'll be less than €30 a week that you're spending now.

You need legal advice and to get out of this situation. You will be emotionally & financially so much better off.
Do sign anything he sends you. What an arsehole.

Divorce.

Usually I think there are 2 sides to the story and women sometimes need to weigh up how difficult their lives would be if they left etc but this is ridiculous and I 100% think you need to divorce asap.

Its not only financial abuse but he’s even refusing yo be a parent - so what’s the point of him?

Divorce. Get half the house. Buy somewhere and go for maintenance.

He sounds like a horrible man.

I don't know the law in Ireland but over in the UK this would I think constitute financial abuse. Please seek good legal counsel from a family lawyer.

Have you got it in writing that he won't pay for the eg washing machine, kids clothes, swimming lessons etc and that you have had to hand wash clothes since November?

Have you also got it in writing that he suggested you quit your job?

Can you gather evidence of things he has bought?

Can you also gather evidence of his salary and savings? Is he self employed?

This is very severe financial abuse. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life - your mum, a friend, a sister? You need to be very honest with someone you trust. They will help you to think everything through and start the process of leaving him. Don't listen to threats, don't sign anything. Has he ever hit you, or threatened to hit you? Has he thrown things, smashed things? If you're at all worried for your safety, call the police.