Mil told me being hospitalised with pneumonia was a social snub

[DoneWithMIL]

I wasn't able to go to my brother in law's wedding because I was really ill at the time and 25 weeks pregnant - was physically exhausted and struggled to do much. My husband went to the wedding. A week later I was hospitalised with bacterial pneumonia for a week. Felt reduced movements and my baby had to be monitored daily.

Now after an argument with mother in law over something trivial she sent this massive email with everything I have done wrong - one of the things on the list was me not attending my brother in laws wedding. I reminded her about the pneumonia and she said well you didn't communicate this. We did.

She also said that I broke her dying mothers heart because I didn't bring my newborn daughter to see her mum. As well as the pneumonia my daughter wasn't growing in the last week, then she almost died during labour - I had an emergency c section. Then she had seizures at a few days old.
Excuse me for not prioritising people that live 60 miles away. Husband cant drive so would have had to be public transport.

Ooh she sounds horrible and very uncaring
Someone sending me a list of my faults and wrong doings?!
that would be immediate low or contact for good

You know you're not being unreasonable. What was your relationship with MIL like before the pregnancy?

Anyone who sent me a massive email listing my faults could get in the bin. I'd cut her out or at least go low contact, she sounds toxic.

Tell her to fuck off and block her.

What does your husband say?

We have had similar behaviour from in-laws where they felt they had the right to say horrendously cruel and abusive things after not agreeing with a decision me and DH made.

We actually ended up going to see a counsellor because we were both really struggling with some guilt around the decision to go low contact with them. The counsellor sat there trying to be devils advocate, help us see their perspective etc for about half an hour - before concluding that the way they’d behaved was appalling and it was very reasonable to set our own boundaries to protect ourselves moving forward. It was such a gratifying weight off our shoulders.

Protecting your own mental wellbeing is an acceptable choice to make.

Gosh, your MIL would die in a panic if I were her DIL. I once didn't go to a family wedding because I didn't want to, and we didn't see anyone at all for nearly a month after DS was born.

Not excusing her behaviour but have the pair of you been battling for a while ?

She tried to micromanage every aspect of my husband's life. She got worse after we got married and had children

Well she’s clearly so self-obsessed and horrible that reasoning with her isn’t likely to work.
What does your DH have to say about the email?

He makes excuses for her. Infront of us she said her husband's pneumonia was worse because he has Parkinson's. He wasn't hospitalised. My husband just sat there while I had to say my baby could have died.

She also has also blaimed us for our autistic son's language delay. Called his behaviour not normal and once pointed out what he couldn't do infront of him

I'd have no problem blocking this horrible woman, your H can see her alone. What a bitch.

Protecting your own mental wellbeing is an acceptable choice to make Thanks

My husband is still in the FOG and makes excuses for his families treatment of us

Tempted to send this thread to my MIL

You have a husband problem.

You have as much of a husband problem as a MIL problem, then.

Oh I wouldn't be bothering with her ever again. It's not your fault your husband doesn't drive but I wouldn't be doing anything to facilitate him (let alone the DC) seeing them going forward. He can get himself there on public transport if he really wants to visit. Putting all your perceived shortcomings down in an email says an awful lot about her. What on earth did she think would happen - did she honestly think you'd roll over, apologise and say you'd try to do better in future?

shes playing childish games wirh him because image wants him back. she’d be happy to split you up to get him. hes the one that needs to say stop to her. not pander.

Bloody hell. Who had the ‘worse’ pneumonia is beside the point, you were too ill to go and that’s an end of it.
She sounds like an unpleasant woman who resents any loss of power and control over her son. He really needs to man up and be a true partner, she doesn’t own him and he chose you.

No stop it you are getting entrenched in the drama, or addicted to it. You can’t win this . Just step away.

I’d just block and go no contact.

your dh needs to grow a back bone and support you in your decision.

You will not change her so focus on your reactions.
Short term have a running bet with yourself on what opinion will be offered and find humor to laugh at her in your head (only)

Have a chat with DH and agree a process and pick a line eg

I am not discussing that.
Or
Thanks for your opinion. Etc

And stick to it.
Each time every time.

And if she continues walk away go home etc.

Yes… don’t play her game. She’s had a lifetime of it.
re your husband - he may need help to break away from a lifetime of a controlling relationship. We all know it’s difficult for women to leave a controlling partner, and there is much advice on the Relationships board. Some of the same dynamics may apply here. You might want to have this thread moved there rather than AIBU where you may get unhelpful posts rather than constructive helpful ones.

From someone who had MIL issues for a couple of years when we first got together (I won’t give too many examples but there’s SO MANY) but she’s used to call my SIL a nickname FDL & when I asked what it stood for she said favourite daughter in law, on our wedding day she said I looked like a prostitute because I was wearing red lipstick, our wedding was very vintage inspired so my makeup was winged eyeliner & red lipstick.

Anyway, my husband (boyfriend at the time) always tried to keep the peace & wouldn’t really say anything as she’d turn on the water works & ask him why he hated her & that I was turning him against her etc. I got to the stage where I said he sorts it out or I’m done. Once he started speaking up for me, telling her it wasn’t acceptable & started pulling away she finally started changing her behaviour. It took a while to sort the relationship with her out, lots of talking & her making changes etc & now 22 years later we all have a great relationship & she’s a completely different person now.

You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a husband one too & unless he starts standing up for you & getting her to change then I don’t think there’s a way to get through it unfortunately. He’s just as much of an issue as she is…

You're never going to win with your MIL. Nothing you say or do will ever be right or enough and you'll always be in the wrong. You know you're not being unreasonable. I'd be going NC or low contact. If your husband wants to see his parents then he gets himself there on his own steam, and if that means public transport, then so be it. I suspect your MIL is jealous of the fact she's no longer the main female in your husband's life. Your husband needs to back you up though, especially if you're there with him, when she starts making accusations.