Mil told me being hospitalised with pneumonia was a social snub

[DoneWithMIL]

I wasn't able to go to my brother in law's wedding because I was really ill at the time and 25 weeks pregnant - was physically exhausted and struggled to do much. My husband went to the wedding. A week later I was hospitalised with bacterial pneumonia for a week. Felt reduced movements and my baby had to be monitored daily.

Now after an argument with mother in law over something trivial she sent this massive email with everything I have done wrong - one of the things on the list was me not attending my brother in laws wedding. I reminded her about the pneumonia and she said well you didn't communicate this. We did.

She also said that I broke her dying mothers heart because I didn't bring my newborn daughter to see her mum. As well as the pneumonia my daughter wasn't growing in the last week, then she almost died during labour - I had an emergency c section. Then she had seizures at a few days old.
Excuse me for not prioritising people that live 60 miles away. Husband cant drive so would have had to be public transport.

I’d reply with:

Thank you for your input. I’m going to share your email with the rest of the family/friends to see what they think.

Then, I’d have nothing further to do with her. Your Husband probably needs therapy.

I'd reply with a thumbs up and then block her.

I wouldn't be bothered going NC. I'd just stop communicating with her or visiting her or doing anything if she comes to your house - treat her like a stranger you just met and let your dh deal with her - she is his problem.

Of course you also have a problem of a husband who is more scared of his mother than he is loyal to you. But if you have a newborn I'd worry about that later. Right now concentrate on getting her toxicity out of your life.

Your husband can't drive? Never mind being a bitch to you, she should be telling her son to man up ...

"she sent this massive email with everything I have done wrong"

Print it out and put it on the fridge. Keep it in front of your husband's eyes.

Bin the spiteful old bitch off. What a vile woman.

This.

Omg the petty bitch in me says do this! I’d chicken out though.

I managed to tie my IL in knots by reflecting it back on them constantly. If they emailed me or messaged I replied commiserating and moaning about DH. So "you didn't bring the baby to meet my mother" - "I agree, it's ridiculous why on earth hasn't your son learned to drive, he should have learned at 17 and not caused so much upset"
"You didn't come to the wedding" - "I really wanted to but was very unwell, it is awful that DH did not tell you. You need to have a word and make him a more responsible father and husband"
"you didn't come at christmas" - "DH never mentioned you wanted to see us, you need to talk to him about his communication"

etc etc
They will soon leave you alone ime.

She also has also blaimed us for our autistic son's language delay. Called his behaviour not normal and once pointed out what he couldn't do infront of him

How did your DH react to the italicised incident? That would be my bellwether.

I've had similar from my MIL, along with a DH would never stand up to her.

We reached breaking point. I told him I couldn't take it anymore, so he had to decide whether he wanted our marriage or his mother, as there wasn't room for her in our marriage. He chose me*. We went NC with his mother, thinking that a bit of time would help and then it would all work out in the future, but she just doubled down, playing the victim to everyone, turned the whole family against her son, she was truly vicious, so we stayed NC.

*I had had no issue with his mother prior to her giving us a list of my inadequacies. From that point, she meddled in everything, tried to stop our wedding, all the while massively controlling her son (my soon to be DH). DH had no idea what a raving lunatic she was.

Her crazy behaviour was destroying our mental health and our marriage, hence why we put a stop to it with going NC. It was years later, once we reconciled with others in the family, that we found out how truly deranged she was, the lies she'd told others about us, it was utterly shocking. She's a sad lonely old woman now, but still the same woman.

@DoneWithMIL sorry to blether on, but women like your/my MIL will never change, they thrive on being Queen Bee and in control. Your only way to break free is for DH to come out of her spell, and start having your back. Even then, it might not improve matters, leaving NC as your only remaining option. Your DH needs to wake up and start supporting you, otherwise, he's just enabling her controlling behaviour.

Thanks. Wish my husband would see the light - there is almost moments he sees outside the FOG.

The queen bee - definitely. I think this is why she likes our daughter less than our son - she can't stand there is another female that will forever be more important than her to my husband.

are you going to show him this thread? it may be easier than you saying it all.

He will say I am having a go at his mother again 🙄 and get defensive

Why the fuck isn't he defending you?

Honestly if you won't get into couples counselling get some for yourself.

This is no way to live.
If you cannot get a handle on it this will destroy your mental health.

Divorce would be preferable honestly.

Unless he’s engaged, marriage counselling is a waste of money and time.

I agree re individual counselling

You have my deepest sympathies OP.
the positives are that you know exactly where you stand with the nasty MIL. Putting all that in writing can’t be unwritten now. It can’t be misinterpreted. It’s there in black and white.
your DH is becoming aware of what she is like. He is stuck in the FOG and has lived a life whereby her word goes and he doesn’t rock the boat. There is hope for him to grow a shiny spine. The jury is open in this.
I am NC with my ILs after batshittery like this. DH initially unable to see it and spineless and I’d become accustomed to being down low in the pecking order and suppressing my wants for MILs. Then they surpassed themselves with their batshittery and it became make or break for my marriage.
At this point they turned on DH and he’s developed a spine.
it’s tough. I’m NC, he’s a mixture of NC and LC.
don’t rise to them. I don’t engage. You do need to get your DH to understand the severity of the situation or the resentment will grow .

No she doesn't she has a bitch of a MIL. All the sheep on here write this as a standard trope and I get sick of seeing it!

his mother was incredibly nasty to his autistic child and he didn't stop her. He is a problem

If your DH doesn’t see how awful that email was for you to read - have you asked him how he would feel if your parents (if you still have them) did the same to him? I can understand the FOG he’s experiencing to an extent, but sending you an insulting email listing your faults would be obvious to anyone that is unhinged and has crossed a line.

When my DH was pulling away from his mother because of her controlling unhinged behaviour, she had the audacity to call me coercively controlling (total projection) ,and put the blame at my feet for their fallout. Calling me that was the final straw for my DH and he has had nothing to do with her since.

Your DH really needs to have your back. He’s enabling her behaviour. For as long as your DH says nothing, your MIL will think she has won her pathetic game. She will think your DH secretly think she is right, and she will think she has silenced you and put you in your place.

another day another I hate my MIL thread!

it sounds like a game of one upmanship, who was worst off. You seem to be in competition with each other.

like others have said, you have a husband problem cos he is just sitting back whilst two of the most important people to him are arguing with each other over things you don’t need to argue over

Dear MIL
I thought about replying to your list of my faults with my list of yours but decided that would be petty. Instead Im sure you'll be pleased to hear that this is my last communication to you.

Send her a list of everything she's done to upset you.

I'm betting your list would be much longer.

Don't leave out any details, send it and then block her.

Tell your husband to grow a pair and speak to her, otherwise it will only get worse.

You need to protect your children from her, it needs to be made very clear to her that if she speaks about your son like that again, then she won't see him.

great idea! 😁he might even come out of the fog with the help of the email?

It took a long time for my DH to come round, even when we went NC, I knew he was only doing it for me and for our marriage.

DH only realised in the last year or so (we've been NC for about 15yrs), how unhinged his mother is, because family have approached us about the situation and told us the crazy ass things she had been telling everyone who would listen about us. They asked us our side of what happened back then, we gave it, and they actually believed us. They apologised to us for not thinking of questioning her batshittery, and for all the lost years we'd missed out on. So DH now sees how unhinged his mother is, but it took a long time for him to truly get there.

I'm really sorry your DH doesn't see it yet, as others have suggested, it really might help if he reads this thread, and if you also send him some links to this type of behaviour.

Speaking of your DD, my MIL HATED the fact her DH doted so much on their grand daughter (our niece). She used to make snidey comments about how she couldn't get a look in. She also used to treat her as if she was her own daughter, until her DIL told her DH (our BIL), to put a stop to it and for her to back off. Now, I hear that she complains that her grand daughter doesn't reply to her messages quick enough. If she's anything like when she used to message my DH, we're talking 50+ messages (texts/emails) PER DAY. Poor niece is probably bombarded. She likely thought now her DH was dead that she'd have granddaughter all to herself, but the reality is somewhat different. So now she slags her own grand daughter off to others. Nice.

Print off the list, frame it and hang it above the toilet. Take a photo and sent it too her