Mil told me being hospitalised with pneumonia was a social snub

[DoneWithMIL]

I wasn't able to go to my brother in law's wedding because I was really ill at the time and 25 weeks pregnant - was physically exhausted and struggled to do much. My husband went to the wedding. A week later I was hospitalised with bacterial pneumonia for a week. Felt reduced movements and my baby had to be monitored daily.

Now after an argument with mother in law over something trivial she sent this massive email with everything I have done wrong - one of the things on the list was me not attending my brother in laws wedding. I reminded her about the pneumonia and she said well you didn't communicate this. We did.

She also said that I broke her dying mothers heart because I didn't bring my newborn daughter to see her mum. As well as the pneumonia my daughter wasn't growing in the last week, then she almost died during labour - I had an emergency c section. Then she had seizures at a few days old.
Excuse me for not prioritising people that live 60 miles away. Husband cant drive so would have had to be public transport.

Thanks. I have read that book it's great. My in-laws are the critics, controllers and engulfers.

My husband even agrees we can say yes to 6 of the questions at the start of the book. I told him just 3 and Susan Forward says they are toxic. He then called Susan a quack who tells people what they want to hear 🙄

Your husband can get in the bin with his mother. Disgusting

She sounds like a narcissist. Rise above. Let them. She sounds like she enjoys the drama. Be the bigger person. And if needs be, print off all the comments on here and show her how strangers view her behaviour.

Don't play make believe happy families. Don't gaslight them. When granny is rude or hurtful to them or in front of them, don't minimise her behaviour or try to distract from it or hide it. Be straightforward and factual and advocate for the person she's targeting. Tell her she's rude and leave with them.

Children are very honest and straightforward. They don't like cruel people. They don't like injustice. If you don't try to force a relationship where your DC need to warp their own sense of what's right and good and safe for themselves (as your DH was forced to) then they won't choose to form the relationship.

Let them see you being honest, and strong and a protector. It's the best example you can give to them so they learn how to manage people like this. Their granny won't be the only one they meet and have to interact with in their lives

She also has also blaimed us for our autistic son's language delay. Called his behaviour not normal and once pointed out what he couldn't do infront of him

As a example, that rant could be interrupted as soon as you see where it's heading with:

"You are rude and ignorant. You need to stop now. If you don't, we'll be leaving. How dare you speak about your grandchild in that way."

Then she'll get angry and defensive l, so you leave immediately

tbh, for me, on receiving such a mail i would Fisk it (anyone remember that? it is going through it line by line debunking or arguing each point)

And supplement it with a Very Long List of all the things she does that bug me.

But. I am combative and i have the support of my DH in my loathing of my late MIL.

The best thing to do is just take all the oxygen out of it by deleting, ignoring her (blocking her gives her satisfaction - change her name in your phone to Hang Up Now) and just going NC without actually telling anyone.

If your DH wants to have a relationship with her, and facilitate her relationship with the DCs that is up to him, but he must let you know if she is coming to your house so you can decide if you want to be there, or you want to go out.

I'd be very tempted to send her the ultimate passive aggressive, oh so kind letter. Only tempted, wouldn't do it.

"Dear MiL

Thank you for your email. It was helpful to read your perspective. I would like to ask, what did you hope to achieve from it?

We have very different recollections of certain events. It is a pity that you feel that being hospitalized with pneumonia was a social snub to you, but I understand that you did not see the severity of it.

I understand that autism is a condition that is relatively recently being understood and that it takes time and some reading up to learn about it. I hope you can find the time for this so that you can build a good relationship with your grandson though. He is a very loving child and has taught us a lot about love, generosity and open heartedness. If you open yourself to him, he can bring the same to you [I have autistic sons btw]

etc etc

Your husband is a lovely man who does you credit. Thank you for the effort and love you put into him to make him the man he is today.

Best wishes

OP"

It'd either be open enmity after this, or if she's really stupid she'd take it for surface value and feel flattered.

No. Show it to your husband. He's the bigger problem. What the hell is wrong with him? He needs to put on his big boy pants and start supporting you. He's an adult. He has a wife and children. He should prioritise you above all else. And his mother sounds like a nightmare. I honestly think going NC with her will be your only option if he can't sort her out. She sounds unbelievably toxic.

I really don’t know how MsIL can behave like this! The very idea that I would behave like this as a MIL is completely alien to me. Writing an email detailing my DIL’s faults? I wouldn’t do that no matter what had happened. The stuff about taking your newborn to see her ‘dying mother’ is clearly almost unhinged!

Some great advice on here as always. I agree with others about your husband issue, this can only be resolved with his support.

perhaps you could show your DH this thread?
It will be hard reading some of the comments about his mum, but that may help him support you?

JFC.
Your husband is over 80% of the problem

He needs to wake the fuck up or he'll be divorced soon.

This kind of BS would slow kill any love i had

And yes!!! To what @silverwrath said!!!

I feel for you OP.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is ignore her and block her. Do not engage because that's exactly what she wants and it be very hard for her to be ignored because she WANTS a reaction from you.

Do not badmouth her in front of your children, they will quickly learn that you MIL is toxic when she badmouths you but they don't see you badmouthing her. It will be very hard to do these things but it will be the best thing in the long run.

You're currently stuck in a cycle where you're arguing with someone that you will never win with because she is a professional narcissistic victim. You will always be the bad guy in her eyes so it's pointless trying unless you truly want a relationship with her.

DH could’ve taken on her public transport or a cab or asked for a lift to see his dying gran. MIL could’ve offered even. But they didn’t. That’s between them.

you were ill it was not on you to sort regardless.

If he’s standing by when she’s behaving this way then she is still the most important person in his life.

This! ^
Wth was your DH doing when she came out with the gem about your autistic DS?! If he's didn't shut her down pronto then you do have a DH problem. Fancy not standing up for your own child. Just shows how entrenched he is with her awful behaviour. She sounds a nasty woman, who is insanely jealous of you.

Your dh is the problem here.

Mil is going to do what she's going to do. Your dh needs to step up and protect his family aka his wife and child.

From now on you and child are nc from grandparents end of. If he insists I'd be telling him this is divorce territory as he's allowing his family to bully you and is willing to let his child watch that.

Your husband needs to man up and tell his mother her behaviour is unexcaptable. One of my friends had a mother in law similar to yours. Her mil would call to her house at dinnertime and expect a meal. She call to the house and sit there complaining about people and other family members. She say to x I heard y say this about you - these would be family members or relatives and this would cause problems. As a result of her behaviour she had fallen out with a lot of people.

One day she rang my friend house on her mobile looking for her husband and he was working away that day. Mil was in a car with a few other people.
She then slated my friend not realising my friend was still on the line.

My friend spoke to her husband that evening and told him what she said and told him your mother is no longer welcome in this house.
The same evening he called to his mother house and told her what his wife heard. He told her that she was no longer welcome in his home and not to call when he was in work otherwise they ring the police. My friend said you can call to see your mother.
After this he did not call to see his mother for about 2 year's.

Now her mil is has altizmers and my friend won't bring her to appointments or won't stay with her to give family members a break. She said that hearing that call was the best thing because she got out of dealing with her nasty mil.

I would tell your husband that your not having her in your home or near your kid's after email and he can go by bus to see her on his own.

I would just reply:
’I’m sorry you feel this way.’

And leave it like that. You can’t explain or reason with people like this, and it’s really not worth your energy trying. Her thoughts about you are her own. You won’t change them, no matter how much effort you put in.

Of course you weren’t unreasonable with the decisions you make. But no sane person would say you were.

Your Dh has not had a lot of sympathy on this thread, which I can understand to some extent. But I wanted to say that getting him to look at the book and answer the questions truthfully is massive progress. Taking it fully on board and accepting what it means is hard, and maybe he's just not ready to go there right now.

It is incredibly painful and difficult to look at your parents and accept that they were and are not good parents and aren't very nice people. It means shifting your understanding of your childhood. You thought things were one way. You thought that for decades. Now you've got to accept that you were wrong. Then you have to face some very difficult questions about yourself. What does it mean about my behaviour? What bad habits did I develop that I've been unaware of, and how do I cope with the shame of that? What does it say about me, as a person, that I've come from someone like that? And what are you going to do, going forward? Because it can be like throwing a hand grenade into your life.

I am decades into this and still struggling with some of these questions.

Stop seeing her. Block her numbers. The children don’t see her.

Then your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up for you and his children.

Tell her to fuck off.

Me neither. These type are a different species altogether. I suspect they have been indulged for far too long and they need putting in their place. They are not more important than anyone else so they can quit with their superiority act. I would have no hesitation in giving them some sharp words and show I’m no subservient pushover. (Luckily I’ve never experienced it, and would never be such a mil).

If I were to send a reply I’d send:

Dear MiL,

Who the hell do you think you are? Never dare speak to me like that again!

DiL.

Your MIL is a very unpleasant woman but your DH isn't covering himself in glory either. He married you but he can't see it's his job to defend you and your DC against her, it's OK to let her talk to you like rubbish? If he can't see his DM for who she is then there's no hope Op, you can go NC but he won't accept it and your marriage will end up a battleground. Could you get him to couples councilling for a start?

I think I would reply Thank you for letting me know how you feel. DIL.

And then have nothing to do with her going forward. Your husband may well find that taking the kids to see her by himself is too much like hard work so without you making things happen it will rarely happen.

If you do see her occasionally to protect your kids from her, just treat her like a stranger and be polite but nothing more.