Mil told me being hospitalised with pneumonia was a social snub

[DoneWithMIL]

I wasn't able to go to my brother in law's wedding because I was really ill at the time and 25 weeks pregnant - was physically exhausted and struggled to do much. My husband went to the wedding. A week later I was hospitalised with bacterial pneumonia for a week. Felt reduced movements and my baby had to be monitored daily.

Now after an argument with mother in law over something trivial she sent this massive email with everything I have done wrong - one of the things on the list was me not attending my brother in laws wedding. I reminded her about the pneumonia and she said well you didn't communicate this. We did.

She also said that I broke her dying mothers heart because I didn't bring my newborn daughter to see her mum. As well as the pneumonia my daughter wasn't growing in the last week, then she almost died during labour - I had an emergency c section. Then she had seizures at a few days old.
Excuse me for not prioritising people that live 60 miles away. Husband cant drive so would have had to be public transport.

"You're fucking crazy and our relationship is over."

Yup. FIL has done this multiple times. NC since the first (should block his email I guess but it's handy to see how determined he is - every 6 months like clockwork!)! Grey rock that woman OP.

Block her and tell DH you won’t have any more contact with her.

The problem is going to be how you protect DC from her if DH is still blinded and manipulated by MIL.

Dear Husband

Fine a backbone.
Support your wife.
Stop being a wet blanket and stand up to your mother and tell her how out of order she is.
Make sure she knows there will be no more contact before she makes a sincere apology and agrees to respect your wife properly.

Dear OP

Failure to do the abuse is grounds to reassess your own position. Otherwise you expose your child to this behaviour.

My MIL was like this, telling me everything did wrong, wouldn't listen to anything I said. She was never wrong, very aggressive. You can't win an argument with someone like this so don't bother trying.

DH was also an excuse maker for her.

Honestly, it took too long, but I told her to get out of my house & refused to engage with her. DH had no choice but to back me in the end as she had an epic tantrum. Her response was to get herself carted off to hospital with a heart episode (she was fine).

In the end she behaved, but tried to make veiled barbs on the rare occasion I saw her. Not tolerating it was my power though.

So just decide to stop fighting & start disengaging, and tell your DH it's not ok for her to abuse you so he can support you or move home to her!!

It’s your wet husband who needs to do a bit of self reflection, not you.

If he doesn’t stand up for you, don’t go anywhere near the mother in law, and keep your kids away from her, too. He can go an be brow-beaten all on his lonesome.

No more contact with this horrible woman and keep the kids away from her too! She’s burnt her bridges.

Spineless husband is more of a problem. He’s more scared of upsetting his mother than you. Time to get tough.

Reiterating previous advice but I would respond to that email: ‘Thank you for your email and letting me know your feelings’. Nothing else. Then as little contact with her as possible.
As you say, her influence on your children is concerning so any situation where it is unavoidable for her to meet with your children (eg a wedding) I would be there too - ready to call out and block poor behaviour towards your children. As for husband, no amount of nagging or threats would work for me. My response would be ‘no I won’t because your mother has made it clear she despises me and by the way I will divorce you before I allow you to bully me into tolerating her behaviour.
Your real risk is if husband insists on taking your children to see his mother regularly. Is this likely? You might have to go too in that case. You can still grey rock and call out poor behaviour if directed at children.

Horrendous MIL behaviour your husband needs to tell her off severely. Go no contact with her and if she complains remond her why

I don't think I could have married someone if I didn't basically get on with their parents as they are a huge reflection of who their son is.

I understand your pain, I have a MIL like this who has done similar things. She hates women coming into the family and she has set her self up as “matriarch”, which translates to her being extremely controlling, everything has to be done her way, or else there is hell to pay.

Luckily for me DH got fed up with the endless control and humiliation and we are NC. It’s not exactly bliss because people like her don’t like to see people happy so she stirs the pot from a distance and of course all of the family bowed down to her, so we don’t really see them now either. But it’s no loss.

In your case I would just ignore the emails. People like this want a reaction, and the more emotional your response, the more she will gain satisfaction from it. She wants you to be angry/upset/to change to suit her. I think this is a case where silence will speak the loudest words. If she brings it up in person I would want to say something like “I didn’t reply because I assumed you had been drinking before you sent it, because I never dreamt you could think such crazy things about me and my baby being unwell if you were sober. I wanted to save you from being embarrassed by it”.

Sounds a right cow and your husband needs to grow a backbone

She sounds awful. I would just not engage with her at all. She doesn't deserve a response.
And tell your DH to step up. His mother, his problem. No way should he be letting her treat you or his children like this.
It will be hard for him, people from this kind of family often feel the guilt as you say. But he needs to let them know they can't get away with it.
I'd suggest both of you stay well away from her. You don't need that kind of hostility in your lives or your childrens.

Who the fuck is the 3% that thinks OP is being unreasonable?
MIL is bang out of order, end of.
Your DH definitely needs to grow some balls and tell his mum that she needs to stop with the mocking of the children and to stop emotionally blackmailing the family if she wants to continue to be in your lives.

If he won't, because this is his problem to sort out really, then you should consider the marriage because you and DC have to be first in his life

Those of us with awful parents aren't to blame for who our parents are, and we aren't necessarily like them. Some of us have worked incredibly hard to not be like our parents.

My sister sent me a character assassination of an email about 10 years ago, because I said I was going to only visit my mother when there were others there, for a buffer from her behaviour. My sister was a real chip off the old block, and I’ve had no contact with her since (despite several attempts to draw me back in).

Just be aware, OP, that for most of your MIL’s family, getting on the wrong side of her will be something they’ll avoid at all costs, so you are likely to find that cutting her out will result in other losses too. Having said that, I am now in contact with just 2 of my 9 siblings, and as a result am happier than I’ve ever been in my life because it’s not dominated by second guessing where the next attack will come from.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope your husband gets the necessary kick up the arse to stand up for his wife.

Yes this is my main problem. Would love any advice on how to protect my children from toxic MIL.

Sure, and well done, but it was also my choice not to be with someone who may turn out to be like their awful parents in the long run.

This is my main worry - my MIL trying to get unsupervised access without me there.

You’re getting great insight here. I’m glad.

let this be the final straw you needed to give yourself the permission to step back, drop the rope and leave her to it. Disengage from her and don’t facilitate anything

i agree with the advice not to engage, “thanks for your email, it’s sad that you feel this way.” Then you’re OUT!

your H may or may not come round, time will tell if you’ll be able to put up with his inability to step up for your family, or if he’ll take your lead when he sees the peace that NC with her brings you.

Honestly, just cut her out of your life. She brings absolutely nothing positive to the relationship. You DH is a spineless twat for not sticking up for you and your joint children.

My dad sent me a similar email listing my faults after I stood up to him. After trying and failing to get him to see how hurtful that was, I went NC.

It's been such a relief.

DH refuses to facilitate any contact between him and DS. Not that he's asked...

If you remain in contact you need to make sure you are always with your DC in her presence - call out any nasty behaviour towards them and correct her - so she sees you aren’t prepared to tolerate any more and that you have their back.

But the safest way to protect them is to go NC with her, tell them in an age appropriate way why and block her on everything. We have a security camera on our door too which stops doorstep batshittery from her.

Reply: this email is disgusting. I imagine you’d be too ashamed of yourself to post it to your friends, maybe I should.

She will shit herself in fear.

Oh I love this! 😂