To buy my 16 year old alcohol to take to a party?

[VoteForPedro]

Wondering what the norm is? My DS is 16, nearly 17. He goes to gaffs / parties here and there and his peers are now drinking ans some have been for a while. He tried alcohol for the first time at a party a few months ago after not really wanting to try it before. He’s now asking me to buy him Smirnoff with raspberry for a party which he says is 4% so the same as beer. I know it’s normal for teens to drink and I’m glad he’s telling me and I know where he would be having it but I also feel a bit unsure given he’s 16.

Nope, I'm their mum, not their friend. Yep, a total fun sponge...

Won't give them cigarettes or weed, or E, or uppers or downers, or cocaine (was autocorrected to cochineal!) or ketamine either. How far along the toxic, illegal, drugs for kids route is it OK for parents to go.

Just alcohol?

'Cos there WILL be kids there with weed... (the rest is just to make the point, but have been to the aftermath of teen parties, as a professional, where stuff has been taken that would horrify you!).

And the "just a little bit" of alcohol that you have given them impairs their judgement.

Exactly! I have bought mine cider. It’s very hard to get in a bad way drinking that. The only time we’ve had to pick up one of ours in a bad way has been when they’ve had someone else’s spirits!

Honestly I think you are just as naive about your children not drinking spirits, simply because you’ve bought them something else.

Oh he does, but actually he doesn’t like it that much, nor does he like being very drunk. Not because I’ve told him not to.

I know this because we have a good relationship and he is honest with me because he knows I don’t judge.

His preferred party drink is a bottle of prosecco but I’ve told him I’m not made of money so he makes do with beer.

Quite. A friend of mine is a head teacher. He confiscated a bag of alcohol that he caught a pupil smuggling into the prom, and found class A drugs lurking at the bottom of the bag.

But as you said, plenty of people you know think their children don’t drink at all. And a lot of them probably heard the same “oh no mum, I actually do not like being drunk”.
Parents so often believe that they are the only ones with the good open relationship with their child, and that it’s just other parents who are naive and unaware. Whereas probably the parents who you know who wrongly think their child doesn’t drink would probably say exactly the same as you “we have a really good open relationship and I know he doesn’t like alcohol”.

I gave dd alcohol younger than that but not bought specially, she could have whatever I had lying around, typically pinot grigio blush from Lidl as it’s cheap and I tend to have a bottle or two in (she wasn’t getting my Provençal rose!) she’s grown up now and unlike some other dc I know, didn’t go off the rails at university, she also is incredibly careful at avoiding drugs, compulsory drug testing af work!

@5128gap

Your opinion is harmful, as it ends up in DC turning 18 and having serious issues with alcohol as they can suddenly go wild with no previous experience.

We have holier-than-thou neighbours whose DD "would never touch alcohol." All of a sudden she was 18 and coming home black out drunk every night and it wasn't just alcohol she was consuming.

@VenusClapTrap

Sorry, I don't see that there is any automatic link between alcohol and drugs.

The vast majority of people drink alcohol, as they have done for centuries. Very few people consume class A drugs.

Nonsense. My eldest is 35 my youngest is 26. None of them ever went 'wild' or developed alcohol problems just because I wouldn't buy them a bottle of vodka to drink round their mates when they were 16.
Nor did it impact my good relationship with them or how much they told me. They just moaned a bit then accepted that's not something I'd be doing for them.
I never suggested for a moment I was holier than thou or that my DC never touched alcohol. They also at times smoked/vaped and no doubt took drugs at various points. However, I never bought those things for them either, because they're also activities I'd not want to pay to encourage.
If you don't agree with something, then there's nothing harmful about having the courage to say to your DC you're having no part in it.
Also, out of interest, how come they go wild at 18 with no experience, but are risk free at 16 or whatever age they start drinking, also with no experience?

Don't be daft, OP. This is absolutely fine at his age. I wouldn't do what a friend of mine did, getting her son a whole bottle of whiskey for himself at that age for an outdoor/camping trip party, but what you have suggested is completely fine. 😀

My friend’s mum did this a couple of times when we were younger, around 14. We were all astonished by how liberal her mum was to be honest, our parents wouldn’t have dared. They’d go away some weekends and leave us alone with some booze and money for a takeaway. It was fun until I massively overdid it and ended up with alcohol poisoning. I cried down the phone to my mum asking her to collect me the next morning, I told her it was a dodgy takeaway but she knew.

I’m just not convinced teenagers are sensible or mature enough to handle it so as a parent plying them with more seems a little irresponsible.

Huge difference between 14 and unlimited amounts/no rules in your example versus nearly 17 and limited, as the OP outlined. Not a valid comparison, in my opinion.

Yes otherwise in my experience they will be swigging vodka that others have brought.

I am shocked at other parents buying vodka for their teens which seems to be fairly common amongst middle class parents.

@5128gap

I didn't suggest buying vodka for a 16 year old; nor letting them go wild.

The point is alcohol should be introduced in a gradual and sensible way (if teens want to). As indeed it's perfectly legal for DC to have beer or wine with a meal at a pub at 16.

It is legal in many European countries for a group of 16 year olds to go to the pub for a pint (therefore socialising in person off their phones). All of these countries have much lower rates of binge drinking and alcohol harm than us.

I am surprised you are aghast at giving a 16 year old a bottle of beer, but seem laissez fair about smoking (which has a one in two chance of being a death sentence)!

People give themselves a false sense of control by believing if you buy them a small amount they are more likely to be responsible but it’s bollocks unfortunately.
When they ask you, they are chancing their arm to see will you buy it for them. When you say yes, you let them know that some level of drinking is okay with you. They may or may not push this boundary. Depends on the kid but generally, teens like to push boundaries.
I would say the most important thing if it looks like they’re planning to drink is to talk to them.
make sure they understand how much alcohol is safe to consume, what alcohol poisoning is, that drinking quickly/ on an empty stomach can affect how much/ how quickly it affects you, different strengths/ mixing, and generally how it affects behaviour, how having lowered inhibitions can lead you to do things you wouldn’t normally do, make poor decisions - especially how this relates to safe sex.
edited to add: I would also mention how alcohol affects a person’s mood. I had no idea when I was a teen that alcohol is a depressant. I’d always end the night in tears and feel low/ anxious the next day and didn’t understand why til I was in my twenties.

I used to for DD, at that age, probably 15 as she was young in the school year. I provided drinks at our house for her and friends when they were 17, nearly 18 because it was an end of year party and all the over 18s were going to a local bar. Id rather they were at a house /garden than hanging around in the street or in the park. As it was DD drank enough (one of the girls brought tequila) to be quite ill that night/next day. Now shes at uni, she rarely drinks.
DS is 16 and hasn't shown any interest in alcohol yet. He rarely goes out so I know hes not doing it behind my back.

It would be understandable to be surprised at someone being 'aghast at giving a 16 year old a beer and laissez fair about smoking'. However given I have said nothing to indicate either, I'm not sure why you've addressed that to me.
I said I would not buy my 16 year old a bottle of vodka to take to a party, and compared it to not buying them cigarettes, which I wouldn't do either. Aghast, beer and laissez faire are nothing to do with my posts

Yes, as I said my main tactic is to have random conversations with him when he gets in. Not every time, but regular enough for him to know that he can’t be bouncing off the walls when he gets in.

Hmm this is one I will most likely encounter but feel uneasy about. At that age me and my friends used to buy cider from local shops with no problem, which of course our parents didn't know.

I think I would prefer the honesty and maybe give a couple of bottles but after these couple they will probably want and get more anyway.

It's better knowing where they are, now we're able to keep in contact immediately, so definitely safer than my days! It's difficult to deny what their peers are doing but they will also be playing this off saying so and so's parents let's them.

My gut says at this age, in many countries, a 16 year old has been used to alcohol at meals etc for years brought up in a more controlled environment. In the UK the culture is more to drink to excess for a good time, like it's a treat to get hammered.

Sorry I can't give straight advice but just thoughts on the matter. Xx

To add...
SIL let DD take bottles of vodka up to her bedroom at age 14 to drink with her friends, also another DD to have her 3 years older bf sleep over at age 15.

These are standards I would absolutely not even think about accepting. SIL was allowed to have bfs and alcohol in her bedroom from age 13. Whole different type of irresponsible and ruled by DC parenting, shocking!

Yes, outcome was a cycle of abortions and then teenage pregnancies by age 17.

It's these types of parents who allow the parties do please be mindful they will not necessarily be supervised or responsible.

I did a deal with my kids when they were this age. I said I would buy them two cans of pre-mixed drinks to take to a party and keep on their bag - for them to drink only. They promised me they wouldn’t touch another alcohol and that they wouldn’t share their drinks with anyone else.
It’s far from ideal but I just thought that if I didn’t come up with a reasonable compromise that everyone could get behind then they would just get stuck into the punch/ communal bottle of vodka/ whatever and it was much less controlled.
Largely speaking all was well apart from one memorable evening when our (naughty) eldest daughter didn’t eat before she went out and did, in fact, get stuck into the punch. I had a phone call from the party girl’s mum to come and get her as she was throwing up on the loo. Yuck!
I’m afraid there’s no perfect way through this.

Between the ages of 15 and 17 DD went to maybe 8 or 10 parties where there was drinking, all pretty small gatherings with close friends, I hosted 1 possibly 2 of them. On 2 occassions I think she drank too much in that she was sick, and unwell the next day. once was at our own house.

She is pretty cautious by nature, and is 19 now. She started uni a few weeks after she was 18 , and as I said she rarely drinks there. She says when it was at a trusted friends house it felt safe, and she knew I or another parent would be available to pick her and friends up, and take them home. and i would clean the sink when she threw up She says she feels much more cautious about drinking, in a club or with people she doesnt know, and would be scared of getting drunk and having to make her own way home.

This is a hard one, outs tried alcohol at 16 as I wanted them to be safe with it and knew what they were drinking. Would I let them take something to a party possibly but its knowing your child.