To buy my 16 year old alcohol to take to a party?

[VoteForPedro]

Wondering what the norm is? My DS is 16, nearly 17. He goes to gaffs / parties here and there and his peers are now drinking ans some have been for a while. He tried alcohol for the first time at a party a few months ago after not really wanting to try it before. He’s now asking me to buy him Smirnoff with raspberry for a party which he says is 4% so the same as beer. I know it’s normal for teens to drink and I’m glad he’s telling me and I know where he would be having it but I also feel a bit unsure given he’s 16.

@Dancingsquirrels

There is not some magic change that occurs at 18 to make alcohol safer.

Far better to introduce it in a sensible way than treat it as a forbidden fruit and then have DC go wild at 18.

@Hiptothisjive

Not sure your google AI summary is particularly helpful.

DC over 5 can drink alcohol in a private home. 16 and 17 year olds can drink alcohol with a meal in a bar or restaurant if they are with someone over 18.

I was happy for my 16yo to have a couple of drinks at my home. But sending alcohol to a party is trickier. What if the host parents have laid on drinks and don't welcome people bringing extra? Or don't want alcohol there full stop? What if you DC shares their stash with a kid whose parents are very anti?

It's partly genuine concern, and partly because I am massive overthinker, and do a job where being involved in an incident where I'd bought alcohol for underage drinkers would be pretty disastrous, however unlikely that may be.

Plus the research suggests that the whole forbidden fruit thing is a bit of a myth, and delayed onset of drinking is a better predictor of safer drinking habits as an adult.

It’s not illegal for 16/17 year olds to drink alcohol provided by parents or guardians at home or on private property. Drugs are illegal.

Totally agree

Not buying alcohol for our curious teenagers will NOT stop them drinking it.

Not allowing them to attend any parties/gatherings and instead keeping them at home under your watchful eye is the only way. Then when they are adults and can make their own decisions they may well go on almighty benders.

I have bought my teenagers beer to take to parties. Most of these parties are at friends' houses where at 15 and 16 there was an adult around. Less so now they are 16/17.

I have talked openly about what alcohol and being drunk does and how to keep themselves and others safe. They know that whatever state they (or their friends) are in they can contact me and I will help them. It has never happened with either son. My now adult son was walked home from a village party. They made sure I was home.

Depends on the part surely?

A friend's house with adult present and sensible friends and asking parents to take a small amount of low percentage alcohol

Is different to

An unsupervised party, with no adult, dickhead mates, not telling parents and taking copious amounts of high abv sports.

There is also a risk is you go in too hard saying no and they do it anyway and maybe get into trouble but are too scared to tell you OR you say no and they go along with it only to go nuts at uni away from home where you can rescue them because there's not been a gradual semi-managed route into alcohol.

No option is ideal.

But I would take the following as positive - it's low abv and he's asking you. This is being sensible. The questions have to then be about how sensible his friends are and supervision. And what his rescue plan is (is he willing to call you if it gets out of hand). Limit what he has. Strictly no high abv spirits until 18. There's also the warning that if he's a dickhead and isn't sensible there will be consequences.

Manage it, don't ban it. Bans don't work - they create their own risks. This is about managing risk. It's teaching sensible and mature attitudes to alcohol and for him to be responsible and respectful to you as part of this.

Honestly, I would. My parents would buy me things for parties such as Smirnoff ice etc and I never really took the mick, drank what I was bought and that was it. In my experience as a teen, all the other kids whose parents bought there alcohol were pretty similar. However one parent wouldn’t allow it, and it was always the same girl who would persuade someone outside co op to buy pure vodka and she blacked out on many occasions. My parents bought me up wanting to know what I was drinking and manage it if that makes sense rather than learning the hard way, or sneaking around and lying.

I don't have a strong opinion either way, so all I'll say is to be mindful that buying your children 'reasonable' alcohol to drink elsewhere at a party, won't stop them from drinking more alcohol afterwards. So don't buy your teenagers alcohol because you think it will somehow regulate their drinking.

Once their few drinks of an RTD are gone and they're feeling tipsy and loose, eager to keep the buzz going, with their judgement already compromised, a lot of teenagers aren't going to stop there. They'll drink what their friends are offering, or get older friends to buy more, in addition to what you bought them.

Won't bother with the legal reminders, warnings and general disapproval: My DD's DID drink alcohol at parties, so I bought them a 4 pack of their chosen alcopop to take with them each time as I preferred that to them necking the contraband absinthe and other nasties (or host parents' single malt whisky collection) that inevitably turns up in the party kitchen.
Not proud of it, not especially happy with my kids choice to drink underage ...just being practical and limiting damage.

I agree with this. My friends used to wait outside the shops and ask strangers to get it for them. Not as safe at all!

buy him a few and give him the chance to use it responsibly

That's a bit silly to say.

I have a 17 year old who doesn't drink, and I know that beyond a doubt, for a myriad of reasons - including that if he did, he wouldn't have to hide it from us. There are plenty of teenagers who never touch a drop of alcohol - it's not uncommon, especially in this younger generation.

I would.
My 15 yo was at a party the other day & the parents had brought some WkDs for them (max of 2 each) I didn’t know until the next day. I didn’t mind but I was a bit surprised when I was told as I wouldn’t have done it without checking with parents but she only had 1. I think being sensible with it and teaching them is better than completely restricting them.

He is discussing it with you
He's not drinking neat vodka
The parents whose house it is know about it and will be there

Fine by me

Oki I'd be pissed at them not ok-ing it with me first...

I’d be happy to buy my 16 year old a small amount of weak alcohol to drink so YANBU with that part of your question. However, whether I’d buy it for the party or not would completely depend upon the views of the parents hosting the party.

I grew up in a small village with nowhere to meet, so when we were in 6th form our parents would drop us off in one of a couple of pubs known to be a bit laissez-faire about underage drinking provided you behaved, and collect us later. This had the advantage that they knew where we were, and we all knew we couldn't get too tipsy because throwing up in your mate's dad's car is never a good look. Similarly with parties, an adult would be around later in the evening, to keep an eye on everyone.
I think it's better that youngsters learn to drink moderately under supervision than experiment in unsuitable locations with inappropriately strong booze because there's no one to tell them any different.

Pretty normal here from 16. They all go to parties at one another's houses and get picked up by parents at 11.30pm, or walk home/get taxis in a group. Mostly it doesn't get that messy apart from the odd one overdoing it and being unwell, but they look out for one another.

We have over the years held a lot of parties often with 50-70 teens. I never supplied alcohol but that didn’t stop it arriving! At any party the majority don’t actually drink that much and one or two will be vomming in the toilet. The vomming ones usually drank too much of the vodka brought by someone else and then go for a sleepover somewhere else after the party as they don’t want to go home. When my eldest was 16 I bought a few cans of cider for him to take to a party - they all end up doing vodka shots anyhow though. Much better to foster an open relationship with your child as they are much less likely to over drink if you can speak openly to them. None of mine were paralytic whilst in sixth form - but I heard plenty of tales of kids of the stricter parents that were - and worse. Mine all went to boardmasters after GCSE’s - they are all sneaking booze in. Also, does no one remember the ones at university with overbearing parents that went completely wild in freshers week……

This is exactly my experience

My parents always did for me and it meant that I knew I could go to them if anything happened, and also meant I didn’t go too crazy. I’d be happy to do the same for mine when they’re 16+, I’ll be happier knowing what they’re having rather than them trying to seek it out elsewhere.

I would. He’ll get alcohol whatever means, better you buy him something low in alcohol and it’s not “forbidden”, it’s good hes being open with you. At least you know he is drinking so you can talk about it with him, and let him know youll always pick him up, and want him to be safe

If it's alcoops type thing then I guess it's no worse than beer. But easier to drink as it doesn't taste of alcohol. If his mates are all drinking already I'm presuming there will be drinks there regardless. So I guess get him like three or something.

I think I probably would buy a few cans of something for my kids - rather that than they do what I was up to at 16.

The best and most important rule my parents had for me as a teenager is that I could call them at any time and from any location and they'd come get me, no questions asked and no judgement. I will have the same rule for my kids when they start going out (they're 13 and 9 now so not quite there but soon!).

I used it a few times and my dad came to get me - once when a party turned into a problem (older kids showed up, house getting trashed, too many drugs), once when I stupidly took a lift off someone who shouldn't have been driving, and once when we got kicked out of a taxi as my friend was sick in it. All 3 times my dad did exactly as promised - picked me up, made sure I was safe, made sure none of my friends needed anything and got me home safe. Never spoke of it again. I think - particularly if you're providing and you aren't entirely sure where he'll end up in the evening - it's really important for him to know that he has a safety net.

Our version of this 30+ years ago was going to the local student union with fake ID and my mum picking us up at 11.30pm. Partying with training wheels on. None of us then went mad with alcohol at university and were all quite sensible.