To buy my 16 year old alcohol to take to a party?

[VoteForPedro]

Wondering what the norm is? My DS is 16, nearly 17. He goes to gaffs / parties here and there and his peers are now drinking ans some have been for a while. He tried alcohol for the first time at a party a few months ago after not really wanting to try it before. He’s now asking me to buy him Smirnoff with raspberry for a party which he says is 4% so the same as beer. I know it’s normal for teens to drink and I’m glad he’s telling me and I know where he would be having it but I also feel a bit unsure given he’s 16.

I think that's a big part of why I'd buy DD some alcopops or something. I'd genuinely worry that when the time came, if she'd hidden it from me and thought I'd be cross, that fear would stop her contacting me if she needed help. I'd much rather her be able to ring me immediately if she felt she needed help

...same experiences but there were wildly different outcomes based on addiction predilection.

This is key - thanks @saltinesandcoffeecups for summing it up so well

I personally would. Then you know what he's drinking and he's under less pressure to accept drinks off others which may be much stronger. If he has his own drink he can just say 'I've got this thanks' and be left alone. That puts more control of the situation in his hands.
I think whatever you do it sounds like he will drink because there will be alcohol there but if you have given him some he's going to feel like he can be much more honest with you if he needs help. If you say no he may get drunk then be too scared to contact you because he's gone against you.
That's just my opinion though. You should do what you feel is best for your son.

Totally agree, as someone who was drinking underage, it's much better to give him alcohol that's low percentage because if not he'll probably get hold of something stronger like spirits from a shop (as it's easier to hide) and of course with higher percentages it's much easier to accidentally get very drunk.

Might be better to buy him beer instead of smirnoff ice though, because to a young person it's hard to drink enough volume of beer to get very drunk (due to the taste), whereas smirnoff ice tastes like soda so it's very easy to drink a lot of them quickly

🤦‍♀️

I’m sure parents are aware of the laws. You’re more than welcome to sit on your moral high horse though.

@VoteForPedro we bought our 16 year olds very low alcohol drinks to take to parties with the agreement we always picked them up afterwards. Now they’re mid/late twenties the stories they tell me make my hair stand on end when we thought they were having innocent sleepovers! Whether you buy it or not someone in their company will probably supply it anyway, more than once I picked mine up and they were clearly pissed but I never made a big deal of it at the time, I just slipped into conversation the dangers of binge drinking and keeping themselves safe. None of my children drink now. To be perfectly honest my DH and I spent a good few nights in our teenage years smashed in someone else’s house or in a park somewhere and we rarely drink. I’ve always been very aware of how alcohol affects people as I have family members who were alcoholics and wanted to at least try and educate my children on it. It seems to have worked for us. Parenting teenagers is a minefield!

A lot of responses here is why we, as a nation have such a problem with alcohol. In any other scenario, supporting your child “doing something illegal because they’ll just do it anyway” screams poor parenting. Would you have the same approach to drugs? Try raising children who are well informed and are trusted to make the right decision. I’d be furious if another parent was plying my child with alcohol at their house without my knowledge. In actual fact, it happened once and my son turned it down.

Weve always been moderate drinkers and have raised children who also are.

Yeah, my Mum bought us a few cans to take to parties at that age. My sister is only 15 months older than me, so we actually shared quite a lot of our friendship group. So, I was maybe a little younger....
However, the rule was that, if we ever came home drunk-drunk, that was it - we wouldn't be allowed out to that sort of party again for 6 months (or something....) We never really did (except the one New Year, I went completely over the score, and my sister covered for me....) So, the trust we had put in us meant we knew we had access to small amounts of lower alcohol stuff.
Then, once I was 18, we took it in turns to not drink, and take my Mum's car. We lived more rurally, and I can say, hand on heart, I've NEVER drunk and driven, in 30+ years of driving.

I'd do it. Technically he could go away to university next year and drink unsupervised every night. Better to get used to a few drinks now in a familiar social situation.
Some of my more reserved school friends who hadn't drunk socially before, really went off the deep end at uni and unwittingly put themselves in vulnerable situations, as they'd underestimated the effects of alcohol on them.

No don't do it. Make it as hard to get for him as possible until he turns 18 and can get it for himself. I have a 17 yr old who has never tried any, mind you he is very straight edge. But c'mon he is 16!!

What you very likely have is a 17 year old who keeps you in the dark because they know your feelings about this sort of thing.

My parents were similar to you, which is why my friends older siblings bought my alcohol for me when I was 17.

Thanks for the replies, I’m glad he’s speaking to me and I agree that he will prob find another way to get alcohol if I don’t buy him it. He doesn’t want beer cos it takes disgusting lol. I’ve discussed the risk of drinking more Smirnoff Ice cos it tastes nice and he said he’s aware not to drink too much and he will share it with others.

The party is nearby (he can walk home) and the parents are sensible as are most of the kids I think. DS is also a great boy and has a sensible head on most of the time. Navigating these more tricky teen areas is difficult!

Who is hosting the party and what are their expectations? If you say you’ll host, aren’t expecting alcohol then find other parents are supplying it you may feel very let down - or you may be expecting it.

I have checked with parents hosting the party and then sent 4-5 % alcopops- Y11 so not many chances to kick back atm. We keep some of those alcopops in the drinks cupboard if she wanted to offer to friends (but not in the fridge, so she would have to plan ahead). I’ve noticed she makes herself cocktails with the alcohol free “spirits” for preference when we are having weekend meals together.
She’s very into sports and I’ve encouraged her to notice the impact of the night before on her performance the morning after. Again, just as with sweets when kids were little , I’d rather she gradually learns self control around potentially tricky things to consume.

@ACynicalDad there’s been parties at this other boys house before and alcohol has been there while the parents are present so I think the expectation is more that the kids will be drinking. But in a house with reasonable expectations I think, rather than a strict no and then they all head for the park to let rip!

At that age I’d be asking the parents who are hosting the party. My DD is also 16. As far as I’m concerned, she’s welcome to have the odd drink at home with me, but I’m not buying it for her to take out unless I know it’s okay with the parents where she is going. If I don’t know the parents, she can either give me their details or go without!

This is on the basis that if she had people over here, I wouldn’t expect 16 year olds to bring alcohol without some prior discussion about whether it was okay, given that as the adult in the house, I’m sure I’d end up needing to deal with any issues that arose.

I agree

Loads of info available about the harms of alcohol for CYP

And I've previous seen research that, the earlier people drink, the more likely they are to have problems with alcohol misuse in later life

I find threads like this v depressing. We shouldn't be normalising kids drinking

Far better to normalise, than demonize and make it cooler, teenagers have been experimenting for decades, and pretending it doesn't go on is just naive.

I would prefer to know what they are drinking than then hiding it, and actually giving them opportunity to demonstrate maturity, and show they can be sensible in my opinion.

We have university age DD's, one is a sensible social drinker, the other is teetotal as decided for herself that she didn't like. I appreciate this is not the case for everyone, but in my experience trust is better than banning.

Each child and each party is different.

DD is 17 but the youngest in her year so some of her friends are 18 and able to buy alcohol so when she is going to a party (which is probably every couple of months) and asks me to buy her something I do, because otherwise her friends will just buy it so doesnt make any difference!

Also means that if she is in trouble or unwell I know she will ring me rather than worrying about getting into trouble like I did and staying in an unsafe situation just so I dont shout at her.

DS1 is 19 and has never drank, he doesnt even like fizzy soft drinks.

FIL was an alcoholic so we are aware of the downsides to drinking. We don't drink that much - I probably go 'out' drinking about 4 times a year! In the house we have the odd glass of wine on the weekend but rarely finish the bottle. So I think we model responsible drinking and knowing your limits.

We are lucky that DD friends are a good bunch - they always make sure everyone is walked home so no-one is alone and I often act as taxi too. She had a halloween party. I only provided her with drink for herself but turned a blind eye to others bringing stuff - she had about 30 people and we were upstairs so knew if anything kicked off we could take charge. She stuck to the party end time, and some stayed to help clear up. I guess if your child had a group that caused fights, and left a trail of destruction it might be different!

Comparing it to drugs or other completely illegal activities is not really a goof comparison - I am not taking drugs and never have so feel justified taking a hard stance on that whereas I would rather they eased into drinking slowly in more contained safe environments (house parties where parents are banished upstairs) than go out for the first time clubbing and not know their limits.

I would providing the parents of the friend having the party are happy with it and if that’s the case whether you buy it or not it will be available. Let’s be honest the majority of us drank alcohol at 16 and haven’t turned into alcoholics.

I wouldn't, but I know I'm an outlier on mn.

Look at the research of the impact on brain development of drinking in mid teens. It is something I don't think we should encourage and is one of the few things I'm quite hard line on with my dc.

This is a tricky one. I do for my son but he's been to a few parties and now and been sensible. The ones who don't bring anything end up drinking anyway so I don't really see the point in trying to control it. Unless you ban them from attending at all and then they will just go wild when they turn 18.

I would. At least he’s comfortable enough to ask. It’s also at least at someone’s home rather than a random park. Slightly different but my 15yo once asked me to buy her a 10pack of WKD she ended up only drinking half a can.

Your voting was a bit unclear due to the title not really matching up to the post - (the title saying would I be U to buy my 16 year old alcohol and then the post saying you felt uneasy about buying it and weren't sure which contradicted the title a bit) so I've voted YABU to buy your 16 year old alcohol.
I get you want to keep in the loop and are glad he told you but I still wouldn't want to be supplying it for him.

Don't think it's a difficult one at all. I wouldn't have any issue with providing alcohol to an almost 17 year old. It's not going to magically become safer the second he turns 18.

We have a very bizarre attitude in this country where alcohol is seen as basically crack cocaine. In fact it has been used as a social tool by humans and other great apes for centuries.

Countries like Spain where DC are introduced to alcohol in a sensible and moderate way from a young age have much lower rates of harm.