To be disappointed about playdates.

[Playdatesq]

I have a year 5 child and Year 1. We moved here recently and I’ve been slowly getting to know the parents. I have tried to initiate play dates but since a few weeks ago I realised I need to build a support network and give my kids some socialising. I’m a single parent and have no family around. By support I don’t mean I want people to do things for me! I just want to meet up and kids to become friendlier with others so they settle in nicely.

i feel deflated and just fed up as I had play dates arranged for the kids but I just feel upset about them, on Saturday my daughter had a friend over and mother didn’t stay which I expected as she’s in year 5 and don’t need parental help. I did make it obvious to the mum beforehand that she is welcome to stay and have a coffee but she said she had errands to run and at pick up she will have a coffee. At pick up the dad came and we had polite conversation and it was fine. I spent the entire day Friday and Saturday cleaning and fretting - I woke up early to clean! I’m not a tidy person so cleaning was extra difficult, I got nice snacks for the kids and nice coffee and biscuits for the mum. Which was a waste as she didn’t even step foot in the house! Kids don’t care about cleanliness so I felt that was wasted.

Sunday my younger daughter in year 1 had a play date and I again told the mum she’s welcome to stay which she said would be lovely. So I spent Saturday night cleaning and woke up early Sunday to clean. The mum then drops her daughter off! Says she can’t stay now. It was really difficult actually as my elder daughter and friend entertained each other and it was easy for me but this one was harder as I had to essentially watch them. The house was a mess by the time play date ended. The mother didn’t pick up as I expected but the father did instead. He was looking around the room as there was chaos. I felt a little uncomfortable as I don’t really know him so awkward having a conversation and making small talk.

Kids want another play date with other friends this weekend! They want them over our house but I’m so done, I really can’t be bothered. I don’t want to meet out as I want to save money and last outing with their cousins I ended up spending so much just in a simple day out. I’m at work now I feel I wasted an entire weekend. Had they been honest in the beginning I wouldn’t have stressed so much but I wanted to make a good impression.

how do others manage the stress of this? Please advise me. I’ve never really worried about social aspects as we lived near family previously and they had friends from nursery etc. but I feel so isolated, lonely and fed up.

Playdates at this age are for the benefit of your kids, not you. It's totally normal for parents not to stay at those ages.

I dont do then generally in my house. Play dates are park or trampoline park type meet ups. Its far to much faff otherwise. I actually rarely do anything like playdates much as past experience has taught me its a lot of give on my side and take. You will meet other parent's at parties etc. Maybe try a hobby you meet other woman you have something in common with.

Play dates are for kids... and are a great way for parents to get things done without kids hanging off them. You seem to be looking for a friend and a play date isn't necessarily the way to go I would think

I get its hard for you unfortunately I'm not keen either. I have friends, family, other dc and dont have time. You need to make contacts with others who are also looking for friends, where you have more in common than just children in the same class.

I wouldn’t expect a parent to stay at those ages unless I was good friends with them. You have unrealistic expectations

As others have said- play dates are for your children. Of course you need to supervise the smaller ones and give them stuff to do. By year 5 I would never expect to see any of the parents apart from possibly picking up if they don’t live nearby.

Do your children do sports/ activities? I found at those ages were where I made friends with parents.

You need to give it time. Friendships need to be nurtured. Don't be desperate, just be friendly and welcoming. Having a tidy/clean house is good for everyone too.

I think it's likely they are just busy and don't have the bandwidth to make new friends just now (you know yourself that making friends is hard work)!

Doing the playdates for your kids is lovely, but it probably won't make friends for you. Find friends elsewhere - peanut? Hobby groups? Stuff you can do with the kids too if you've nobody to watch them and you can't afford babysitters - parkrun?

Yes unfortunately you can’t expect the parents to stay at this age.

And yes it’s normal to have to supervise year 1s !

I think you’re right to be trying to do playdates though. Your kids really enjoyed it clearly and want to do it again. The more you do it the easier it will get, you’re just on edge because it’s new people.

some suggestions.

• don’t worry about cleaning or biscuits
• keep arranging playdates, at some point it will be reciprocated hopefully! And as they get older it gets easier as less supervision needed and less mess
• find other avenues to meet people yourself - chat at school pick up queue, PTA, local hobby groups

My son is autistic so needs a lot of social support and has few friends. I have facilitated so many play dates for DS over the years and (with one exception) it has made no difference to either his social life or mine. They are rarely reciprocated and if I even get a “thanks for having x” text, it’s a pleasant surprise. I also get nice snacks in, and offer activities (eg craft) unobtrusively, but I give far fewer fucks about the cleaning tbh!

So either my play dates are shit, or lots of people are just bad mannered and themselves lacking in social skills! Agree with pp’s that it’s better to try to meet people on neutral ground through a hobby. We’ve met lots of ND peers for DS through the SEN sessions at our local trampoline park, for example.

If you're looking to make friends I don't think you should do it via your children. Do the play dates for them and find a hobby for yourself to meet friends. If this has left you so deflated making friendship with the parents of your children's friends could lead to a lot more disappointment. Children's friendships are fickle, as are most school mum friendships.

You need let your children make their friends and find other ways to make your own like through hobbies or work.

I have plenty of friends but only one really good one made through the kids- we met when our DC were nursery age. I don’t think it’s necessarily the best way to make good lasting friendships as often all you have in common is kids the same age.

Some ideas:

• join the class WhatsApp group and go to the weekday coffee mornings or mums evening drinks. Even maybe host a coffee morning or a drink at your house.

• go to the local park with some mums and kids after school

• Invite kids round for a play date after school and offer the mum to come in for a glass of wine or cup of tea at pick up.

• join PTA or become class rep

I think focusing on just weekends is tricky. We all have a million errands to run on the weekends so no mum has the time to just hang out on a weekend day.

Did the kids have fun though? That is the main thing

As others have said , carry on arranging the play dates but see them as something you do for your DCs. If you happen to click with one of the parents then that’s a bonus. I do also think (as a single parent myself) that somehow we can be seen as having less ‘currency’ in these situations- it shouldn’t be the way but a lot of friendships/ weekend plans are made where I live as the DHs will get talking at a drop off (for example) .. realise they support the same football team / are both into cooking/ have something else in common and then the couple friendships start.

I am very good friends with 3 mums from when the DCs were in primary school but they developed gradually over time.

If your DCs happen to be friends with anyone else who comes from a single parent household I would say they might be more open - as there is a level of understanding there about your respective situations.

Aside from that, I got a babysitter once a week when the DC were very young and joined a choir. Someone else started on the same night as me and we got sat next to each other. 15 years on and she’s one of my best friends.

One final thought …. You may not have much free time but volunteering for the PTA is a great way to meet mums at school. It doesn’t have to be on à permanent basis but even putting your hand up for just one event is a good way to get to know people.

I've heard a few friends with younger kids say they find parents more selfish (their words!) now, in terms of using people as unpaid babysitters/being late/being unfriendly. I'm not at your stage now (5 and 1) but it wasn't that long ago and I feel for you, as I'd really have struggled without close mum friends, it's all fine having other mates, but at that stage I found it important to chat about the kids/be there for each other when you desperately needed childcare if you had to work and extra day or whatever. Some of the people I'm still close to now, from years ago.

Maybe meeting parents as swimming club or whatever might work?

I'd be happy my kids were socialising tbh, the longer they get to know their friends the more chance you'll naturally get to know their parents. I know the pull to make connections, I moved to a new area with my 6 week old, albeit with my husband, and was a sahm an extra year, really wanted him to socialise and wanted to make friends for me so I tried hard, sometimes immediately was friendly and sometimes it took a year of going to the same gymnastics class to swap numbers with a mum, must the way it is.

It's hard being in a new place. I think you are doing the right thing, you just have to keep doing it. It is work, but keep on setting up those opportunities for connection and eventually some will pay off. Is it practical to get involved in any sort of school stuff or other extracurricular activities? Those can bring you into contact with people and have more of a chance to get chatting.

I feel for you as I'm a lone parent and I often see people saying (on here particularly) that single parents need to build a network of other single parents for childcare swaps, emergencies etc, but in practice I've found this nigh impossible. Most people have either a spouse or family support and don't want or need it. You're a good mum for doing the playdates so carry on with that, but for my own friendships I've mostly had to start hobbies or meet people through work.

I didn't want the parents to come to my house when their kid came over to play or for tea while they were primary age, the reason for that set up is for the kids to play.

If your focus is on making friends with the parents, you've got to be clear about "let's all do this thing together" with parents v kids or whatever. Or "do you want to meet up for a drink? We can take the kids".

When I made friends with parents with babies the same age it was about meeting up with the adult and the babies just tagged along! When they're older kids it's a chore to spend time at a stranger's house or a flipping birthday party on my weekend when I work all week. If it's combined with a walk at the beach or whatever or a trip to a local farm then it still feels like a nice thing to do with my kids even if the other parent's a stranger.

I do get that it's hard to make friends as an adult. Just have a think about it from the other person's perspective.

I made mates with my youngest's mates' mums when we took a bunch of them to the beach for a "stag do" when they were doing weddings in school. We all played crazy golf, went on the penny arcade machines and they ran around on the sand while we had a coffee. Walking home we went "this was fun, we should do it without the boys" and started meeting up for drinks and meals. We still do stuff with the boys there now they're teens. It was fun.

It also sounds like you've stressed around getting your house tidy for these new people. It's lovely that you care but I think you're even more gutted they didn't stay because you'd gone to loads of effort.

A long way of saying: arrange a fun cheap day out or walk or something out and about rather than invite them to your house.

If you want to make friends for you, I would focus on that rather than trying to make friends through the kids.

Join a book club or a sports team or something, volunteer somewhere.

A tidy and clean house - what a bonus! Honestly sometimes my favourite part of people coming over is when they go home I have a nice tidy house from my panic clean.

i would keep doing that play dates. I have made a couple of friends doing them (reception class) but think of it as a bonus not the end game. Definitely look to do play dates with those who reciprocate - a free hour or two at the weekend is such a win!!

Even if they had come in, it wouldn't be so they could inspect the cleanliness of your home. Of course it should be hygienic and safe for children to play but it shouldn't require whole days of extra cleaning and waking up early to prepare.

Your children are past the age where the children and Mums socialise at the same time.

If you want to meet up with a Mum, ask if they'd like to meet up, go for a walk, get a coffee, go out for a drink. Don't piggyback on your children's playdates.

I think there are less stressful more reliable ways to make friends than hoping that mothers of DC your children like are going to be in the market for friendship and a good fit for you, then going to loads of hard work for a 'maybe'.
I think you'd do better concentrating on activities with other adults who want to make friends. Meet up groups, book clubs, walking groups, or getting involved in the local community through a little voluntary work if time allows.

Playdates are for the children. I’ve not done any so far as we are usually busy at weekends and we both work during the week. We have had a couple of parties and the parents have all stayed for chats. We see parents at school events and chat there.

Have you been to any school events? Usually they’re a good place to chat as the kids run off and the adults talk. You’ll get to know the dads then as well and hopefully won’t feel as awkward around them when they do drop offs and pick ups.