To be disappointed about playdates.

[Playdatesq]

I have a year 5 child and Year 1. We moved here recently and I’ve been slowly getting to know the parents. I have tried to initiate play dates but since a few weeks ago I realised I need to build a support network and give my kids some socialising. I’m a single parent and have no family around. By support I don’t mean I want people to do things for me! I just want to meet up and kids to become friendlier with others so they settle in nicely.

i feel deflated and just fed up as I had play dates arranged for the kids but I just feel upset about them, on Saturday my daughter had a friend over and mother didn’t stay which I expected as she’s in year 5 and don’t need parental help. I did make it obvious to the mum beforehand that she is welcome to stay and have a coffee but she said she had errands to run and at pick up she will have a coffee. At pick up the dad came and we had polite conversation and it was fine. I spent the entire day Friday and Saturday cleaning and fretting - I woke up early to clean! I’m not a tidy person so cleaning was extra difficult, I got nice snacks for the kids and nice coffee and biscuits for the mum. Which was a waste as she didn’t even step foot in the house! Kids don’t care about cleanliness so I felt that was wasted.

Sunday my younger daughter in year 1 had a play date and I again told the mum she’s welcome to stay which she said would be lovely. So I spent Saturday night cleaning and woke up early Sunday to clean. The mum then drops her daughter off! Says she can’t stay now. It was really difficult actually as my elder daughter and friend entertained each other and it was easy for me but this one was harder as I had to essentially watch them. The house was a mess by the time play date ended. The mother didn’t pick up as I expected but the father did instead. He was looking around the room as there was chaos. I felt a little uncomfortable as I don’t really know him so awkward having a conversation and making small talk.

Kids want another play date with other friends this weekend! They want them over our house but I’m so done, I really can’t be bothered. I don’t want to meet out as I want to save money and last outing with their cousins I ended up spending so much just in a simple day out. I’m at work now I feel I wasted an entire weekend. Had they been honest in the beginning I wouldn’t have stressed so much but I wanted to make a good impression.

how do others manage the stress of this? Please advise me. I’ve never really worried about social aspects as we lived near family previously and they had friends from nursery etc. but I feel so isolated, lonely and fed up.

@InDistrict12 completely agree.

At the ages of your children you are pretty much passed the parents staying for playdates phase. Only where the parents are actually friends (usually from preschool/ nursery/ playgroup days) do parents generally stay. Playdates at houses are for children by those ages and are very much drop and run.

If you want to meet parents in your child's class you may need to do more outing style playdates (trampoline park, soft play ect) but don't be surprised if you get a they would love to come what time do you want me to drop off/ collect response. Parties are another one. Or making an effort to chat at the school gate.

Otherwise you are better finding hobbies that interest you or joining a few social groups.

I think you need to decide if you want this for your kids or for yourself.

If it’s for your kids then these plans worked out perfectly, they both got a play date with a friend.

You seem more disappointed that you didn’t get to socialise yourself so if you want to make some friends then that needs to be the focus really rather than the kids. I agree with other posters that at these ages the assumption will be it’s for the kids so drop off and then pick up only for most parents.

How come you moved away from your family and the friends you did have?

I would make it clearer that you want to get to know the mums OP, say I'm new to the town so woukd be nice if you could stay for a bit and have a coffee.

This was my thought until recently. My ds is high school and a mum requested she stay whilst they played computer games. Talk about awkward.

IME, playdates are overrated for making adult friends. If you really want to make connections at school join the PTA or something similar. At least you'll be guaranteed adult conversation.

Way too much worrying about cleaning OP!

Your kids want more playdates. That’s a success and a testament to you. Well done!

I think you were looking for friendships to come from play dates which generally isn’t their purpose. Most people don’t want to go and sit in the house of someone they barely know. I would still facilitate some play dates but at least if the parents aren’t there you don’t need to stress so much about cleaning and ‘hosting’ them! You probably need to find another way to make friends for yourself.

Play dates are for kids to play parents are busy a lot of parents dont have time to sit around chatting

Would absolutely recommend the app peanut
My local area has a Facebook group too for women wanting to meet other women at similar life stages.
I met up with a wonderful woman off there today and had a lovely lunch gab and coffee.
Guess I'm saying look outside the box a bit X

I totally get you and I have always wondered if it is cultural or a class thing. My daughter went to a small independent school in London, lovely parents, really into knowing each other, dropping off for play dates would be always with parents staying over, they would organise trips to the park, everybody would stay for birthday parties and a have a chat etc. we moved 40 mins away and I moved her to a closer independent school, a very posh one. The parents are horrendous. Moving middle of primary meant it was very hard to make friends for her, but she is super sociable so she is getting there. Obviously she wants play dates. Parents take weeks to reply to a message, obviously not really willing to do a play date, my daughter than insists with the kids and finally they get back. She literally asks the kids to insist with their mums to reply to my messages. They drop at mine and pick up, no one ever stayed for a coffee or chat, it is really pure babysitting. Kids are older so expected but I do tell the mums it would be lovely if you want to stay for a chat as I don’t know anyone. Over half term I had kids being dropped in the morning and picked up late in the afternoon, despite offering to meet up somewhere and go for lunch, the answer was no sorry I am very busy (Sahms) would you mind if I just drop her at your and pick up later… I just accept for my daughter but honestly… no one has ever reciprocated a play date yet. We invited the whole class to her birthday party, since now parties are just for besties, no one has invited her to any birthday party… I wonder if it’s cause they are all so posh? Is it just the way they do it at this school? Have I just been really unlucky?
I am considering moving back to the previous school but the commute in the morning is terrible. I still have mum friends there, we still see each others and the kids too but it would be amazing to meet new people especially as I am sure by being a bit more distant some friendships will not continue

Play dates at your house usually means the children get dropped off and the parents get some free time - hopefully they return the favour so you can get a break too!
If you want a more social play date I think it does have to be out somewhere - a park/ farm/ activity where parents will be supervising their own children but hopefully have a chance to have a chat & a coffee at the sidelines.

So you cleaned sat for play date and brought nice biscuits - so eat them yourself. Don’t just buy for others - then cleaned again Sunday - why ? Surely you did it sat?

i rem one mum staying at mine for a play date. It was painful - girls went off to play and I had to entertain the mum. And her toddler - who then annoyed the older girls playing - hell on earth

thr point of play dates is that kids play. You have some time out

any other single parents in the class ? They may be more up for it

or arrange a play date and say why not come over 530 for a cuppa and chat before you go

there are sites for people to meet up. Or put a post on your Loca fb group. I see this often people wanting to make friends

Unless youd said to me beforehand, im a bit new here so id like it you stayed for a coffee.. I might not pick up on the fact this was also about you.

Id have thought great, ill run some errands and see your offer as at best politeness in case my LO would feel better.

I also think you need to look for ways to make friends outside your kids. Join a walking group, reading group, cooking class, meet people from work? Best of luck

Don't give up so soon! your kids clearly enjoyed them. But you do need to RELAX! all that cleaning in prep for a playdate......
I think you elevated your expectations way too much and that's why you're deflated now. Keep the playdates going (at reasonable intervals - not too frequent!) and someone will stay for coffee when they feel they know you enough for it not to be potentially awkward

Hey OP, I recently moved too and only have the one little girl. I also tried and put so much effort into it and in the end I just lost interest. If my daughter wants to have a friend over, I am ok if the mum/dad doesn’t stay or chat.

I just love seeing my little girl happy… I do have a husband so maybe not as isolated as you but use the time for you… it will get better (I keep telling myself) don’t be hard on yourself and let it unravel organically!

I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read your comments. I feel for you, as it is hard making friends with other parents, especially if you work full time.
I also have kids in y5 and y1. I made a lot of mum (and dad) friends with parents of the oldest kid, but that happened over time, and probably not until they were in y2 or 3. We had initial playdates after school with the parent staying when they were young, then had play dates without parents. That did help to meet the parents properly. But really, what actually helped was contacting the parents of my child’s friends, and making arrangements for meet ups, especially in warmer weather when we’d suggest going to the park or beach, and parents come along too. So maybe encourage your kids to make nice friends, and then contact the parents for weekend meet ups when the weather gets nicer?
also it might be easier to make friends with the parents of your younger child’s friends, as they will need more supervision.
So I have lots of mum friends from the older child, but not many from the younger child. I am finding it harder to make friends with those parents (of younger child’s friends), mainly because they already seem to know each other, and some I’m not sure I’d click with as actual friends!
So I am focussing on a couple of things - having the nicer friends over for after-school play dates, having a quick chat at pick up time, and they are starting to reciprocate (eg taking mine to a party), and I will keep having chats on pickups. I might suggest a weekend meet up as the weather gets nicer. Also, arranging a playdate with the kids of parents who I think seem especially nice (obvs whose kids seem nice too) and asking them to stay for a coffee.
You say you work full time and so don’t do normal school pick ups - that can make it harder to have natural chats with parents in school/the park. So unless you can do the odd pick up from school and chat to people then, it’s probably better to focus on encouraging nice friends for your kids and then being friendly with the parents. Accept that it will take time, but you will eventually get to a point where you are friendly with the parents, and can ask for childcare help if needed.
best of luck!

I'd say start with playdates and accept that parents don't stay, then as your younger child gets close to 1 or 2 friends you could suggest a bigger outing together even if it's to a good play park nearby. That way the parent will stay.

Yes, the cleaning won't have been wasted op; it will have made it/will make it easier for you when your next cleaning day came/comes round.

Don't feel too bad about the chaos when the Dad arrived; most parents know children create a degree of disorder and those who don't probably aren't letting them play as creatively. It's what I would call "innocent" or "guilt-free" mess!

But if you do worry about that, the suggestion of pp to take them out is a good one. It also saves you the effort of cleaning up afterwards. I quite like a "meet and treat" type playdate (pizza then bowling, pasta restaurant then movie, for the Year 1 dc feeding ducks and playground then an ice-cream etc) as it means the timings are more rigid: the children understand the expectations of when it is over and you don't get the whinging at the end to stay on, stay over, one more game etc. If you set aside three hours, three hours it is. Playdates can sometimes drag on and on (mum is late, children want 5 25 more minutes) and then you have to tidy up.

If you meet at a cafe in the park etc, it can also be a good time to ask the parent to join you for a coffee - and people tend to find cafe coffee harder to resist! I think moving the playdates away from home might make things a bit simpler for you until you get comfortable with the parents and it all feels more natural.

I haven’t read the full thread but does your town / village have a Facebook page. My local town has a “town mums” page and there are often mums on their who post and ask essentially for some kind of friend connection or meet up and they always get responses some other mums in a similar position. Could you try that?

Friendships take time OP. For us as well as our children. Try again in a couple of months. Try not to worry about the cleaning quite so much.
Parties are excellent for having a chat and gradually making friends over many months. Are they a thing at your DC school?

U agree with you OP it’s poor form the
mums didn’t pop in to have a coffee with you when invited, to say welcome to the area and have a chat. They didn’t have to stay for the whole play date.
it’s hard when you move somewhere new, I’ve done this, give it time. Can you join the PTA and /or volunteer for school activities ?

Your house doesn't need to be a show home to have a playdate! Stop all the cleaning.

Sounds like the playdates went well, in that your children had a nice time. It's normal to supervise Y1. If there are parents you'd like to get to know better I'd suggest asking them out for a coffee or a drink in the evening rather than trying to combine your social life with your children's.

It’s not ‘poor form’ at all if they had no idea the OP really wanted them to — so many posters on Mn express total horror at having to make chitchat with strangers at playdates, whether hosting or dropping off or say they always schedule numerous child-unfriendly errands during play dates, so they want to drop and run.

Your whole weekend was not wasted- your kids had fun (presumably) with their friends.
You cleaned your house. Kids in year 5 absolutely DO notice - and talk about - when someone's house is not clean.
The friends mum's didn't want/couldn't come in. They likely didn't realise it was such a big deal to you that they did so.
Maybe explain to them next time that you'd really like to get to know them a bit, rather than they're welcome for a coffee.