To be disappointed about playdates.

[Playdatesq]

I have a year 5 child and Year 1. We moved here recently and I’ve been slowly getting to know the parents. I have tried to initiate play dates but since a few weeks ago I realised I need to build a support network and give my kids some socialising. I’m a single parent and have no family around. By support I don’t mean I want people to do things for me! I just want to meet up and kids to become friendlier with others so they settle in nicely.

i feel deflated and just fed up as I had play dates arranged for the kids but I just feel upset about them, on Saturday my daughter had a friend over and mother didn’t stay which I expected as she’s in year 5 and don’t need parental help. I did make it obvious to the mum beforehand that she is welcome to stay and have a coffee but she said she had errands to run and at pick up she will have a coffee. At pick up the dad came and we had polite conversation and it was fine. I spent the entire day Friday and Saturday cleaning and fretting - I woke up early to clean! I’m not a tidy person so cleaning was extra difficult, I got nice snacks for the kids and nice coffee and biscuits for the mum. Which was a waste as she didn’t even step foot in the house! Kids don’t care about cleanliness so I felt that was wasted.

Sunday my younger daughter in year 1 had a play date and I again told the mum she’s welcome to stay which she said would be lovely. So I spent Saturday night cleaning and woke up early Sunday to clean. The mum then drops her daughter off! Says she can’t stay now. It was really difficult actually as my elder daughter and friend entertained each other and it was easy for me but this one was harder as I had to essentially watch them. The house was a mess by the time play date ended. The mother didn’t pick up as I expected but the father did instead. He was looking around the room as there was chaos. I felt a little uncomfortable as I don’t really know him so awkward having a conversation and making small talk.

Kids want another play date with other friends this weekend! They want them over our house but I’m so done, I really can’t be bothered. I don’t want to meet out as I want to save money and last outing with their cousins I ended up spending so much just in a simple day out. I’m at work now I feel I wasted an entire weekend. Had they been honest in the beginning I wouldn’t have stressed so much but I wanted to make a good impression.

how do others manage the stress of this? Please advise me. I’ve never really worried about social aspects as we lived near family previously and they had friends from nursery etc. but I feel so isolated, lonely and fed up.

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I never stay at play dates unless I am friends with the other kid's parents. I use it as an opportunity to get things done. Parties likewise.

School events and parties are good for this.

We personally don't do playdates as we both work full time so evenings don't work and I'd rather not get into it at the weekend

I also am saying play dates are for children. I don’t think I’ve had a parent round for a play date since Reception.

Do you have a class WhatsApp group? Suggest a coffee after drop off or similar on there. For your youngest child’s birthday, if you host a party a lot of the parents will probably stay and you can socialise a little then.

As pps have said, playdates are for your children, not your own social life, no one would stay around when the child being dropped off was year 5, and it's completely normal to have to supervise younger children, who will, yes, make a mess!

Haven't you done playdates before, where you used to live?

if your kids had a good time, then it was worthwhile, surely. Just calm down about cleaning.

Play dates are really tough. DS hardly ever has them as no-one has time and everyone is busy at the weekend. When they do come up I might invite the mum in for a coffee to be polite but hope she declines! And same the other way around, I assume they’re just being polite. I’d only stay if I was friends with the parents.

Ask would they like to visit a play centre and have a coffee. Most parents won’t stay or allow very small children have play dates with someone they don’t know.
It is early days.
Is there any local adult groups that you can join? Local park run etc is good for meeting people.
keep them to midweek if possible.

You seem to be setting up the play dates for your own benefit, but really it's just for them. Weekend play dates will always be tricky as people have their own friends and family to see, days out, activities. I would be much more likely to stay at a play date after school then at a weekend, and would also be more likely to reciprocate a weekday play date too.

You could try being explicit about wanting to get to know the mums too: "Would you like to stay for a coffee when you drop her off? Being new, I haven't really got to know many class mums yet, and I'd love to know more about what things there are to do at half-term around here."
They may just have assumed you were being polite in offering coffee, and not realised that you would actually appreciate their company.

Thank you all. Yes I agree about not piggybacking on their play dates but maybe I was being lazy by thinking I could kill 2 birds with one stone! Truthfully I rather the kids enjoy their play dates and make friends, I’m not too fussed about having friends, of course it would be lovely to have some company but I’ll be happy if the kids are happy first

For a fist play date some Mums will want to stay, and others will want to get to know you first as they may feel self conscious about meeting new people. Hang in there, friendships are organic things and can take time. People who want to strike up a full blown friendship straight away should be maybe treated with caution (unless you’re super lucky and meet a golden person).

every play date is not a waste, eventually yours will be invited, then you will be invited in for a coffee and then meet others.

parents can be busy so not unheard of for Mums to drop and go / husbands to collect (lots of DH like to be involved so this is standard and actually a good sign).
Just keep going and you will soon meet lots of new people - some you will like and others you may not.

Your children both sound like they are making friends just fine.

You can make your own friends.

Do a play date at softplay where the parents have to stay and it’s neutral territory. Some people aren’t a fan of house visits until you know each other better

For those that say they wouldn't have stayed and you have unrealistic expectations is their opinion, I personally would have stayed for my child in year 5 and for my child in year 1. I would have stayed to have gotten to know you as essentially you are leaving your child with a stranger, I would have made. Polite chit chat with you to see if we could be friends so next time you could bring your child to mine and stay OR if you needed to run errands you can do that. I can't leave my child at people's homes especially if I don't know them personally.

I think what you did is lovely and maybe if you arrange another play date make say you expect the parent to be there perhaps especially if it's the first time the kid is coming over to yours.

P. S. This is just my opinion and not bashing other parents x

They sound like absolutely normal play dates to me. It's fine to offer for the parent to stay but that's normally just a polite thing to say most of the time it would never happen.
I hated play dates at mine. I hated being responsible for other people's kids as someone isn't really a kid person and I always hated playground politics so I didn't really enjoy school mums bullshit chit chat. So the very few play dates we had at our house I'd have been mortified if the parent wanted to stay and hold me up from getting things done while the kids were entertaining each other. And if my kids were going to one the absolute last thing I would want to do on a weekend was waste it sitting at someone else's house while the kids were off playing. I get anxiety and would dread knowing I had to make small talk with someone I don't know in their home for what would be probably a few hours. That wouldn't be my ideal way of spending a day off work.

I wouldn't read anything into their reasons for not hanging around.

Ask the mums for a coffee without kids (after drop off) so you can actually chat, or a wine at yours after bedtime if you work?

Tbh it would be very strange to stay for a year 5 play date so id assume that wouldn’t happen - if you’re wanting that much more likely with the year 1 mums

I’ve moved a lot due to my job and have had to do a lot of coffee mornings/play dates/ wine nights/book clubs/trampoline centre meet ups etc to make good connections, stick at it, it’s worth it!

If your work full time I find totally normal to have playdates once a month on a weekend.

I haven’t any suggestions, I made my mum friends through school drop off and pick up standing in pay ground and over time developed into friendships.

personally I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a child’s mum stay when their child has been invited for a play date with your child. I also wouldn’t want to stay when dropping off my children. Maybe that’s just me, I can be rather antisocial took me 10 years of friendship to invite my now bestie (who I met through my eldest as our boys have been besties since reception they are nearly 19 now) over my front doorstep, which is laughable now, but that friendship developed over time, chatting in playground then over time grabbing a drink on mutual ground without the kids.

Give it time. Being a single mum can be super lonely I know but try not to have high expectations and give it time xx

You may also be inviting the wrong children over, as there tends to be two types of mums. Some love to stay and do whatever their children are doing, getting to know the other mums etc. Others only treat playdates and parties as opportunities to run errands or juggle siblings' schedule. Those only do drop-offs and see playdates as free childcare. There are definitely mums who enjoy staying and chatting but you need to find them. One way is to get to the school gates 10mins early and see who tends to be around most often. The leisurely mums are usually always there. The harried ones never show up or have partners/grandparents doing the pick-ups.

I'm not a fan of playdates really as I end up feeling like an unpaid childminder. I have 2 dcs as well and it's not even as if you get child-free time in exchange as you still have your other dc to look after. I prefer putting them in holiday clubs where they know another child - but I'm lucky to have the finances for that.

I have never found play dates helpful for making friends with the parent as they just drop and go, unless the dcs are very young. I've had better luck doing classes and activities on my own, but I can only manage that while they're at school as I don't work full time, if you're a single parent and work ft then there's not much opportunity.

Yes I work full time so weekends I’m only around as they get dropped off to breakfast club then stay in after school so I don’t see anyone. I just feel upset with myself I went to so much effort cleaning then buying expensive snacks and biscuits! I know this might seem like a small thing but money is tight and going to all that effort when no one noticed or even enjoyed it. I’m done with play dates now. I told the kids once a month not every week and they seem okay about it. I really could have relaxed over the weekend but didn’t. I felt mentally exhausted after each day. I wish they had said bluntly they can’t stay instead of making me think they would join me for a coffee

I’m actually surprised to hear that you wouldn’t stay with a year 1 five year old. DD is 6 and in year 1 and it wouldn’t occur to me to drop her off and leave, especially if I didn’t know the parents.
OP I get it is hard. Have you tried an activity or class for you, like maybe an exercise or hobby class? Or joining the PTA at school?

I just feel there is so much pressure on women especially made by social media to have friends and have a support system. When I turned 30 I spent it alone with my eldest DD who was a toddler then. I just wish I could stop feeling like I’m missing out on life. I can’t do anything without the kids so play dates was my only way to socialise. I don’t have childcare for going and meeting people alone

I’d never want someone to stay and I’d always make an excuse for me not to stay! Year one are more than capable of playing by themselves you don’t need to stare at them. This is a you issue. You need to join some kind of club if you’re lonely or a church! - not my thing but might work if you need company.

I became friendly with some other mothers through kids activities. When you're standing on the side of a pitch for an hour, you'll end up talking to those around you. I got to know a good mix of people and there was no pressure of entertaining.

There are multiple reasons why I hate MN for posts like this, but mostly because people’s responses are so judgmental and rude.

If parents say they are going to do pick up and stay for a coffee - I would expect them to do that. Or at least let you know that they won’t be. It’s rude not to - manners and courtesy cost nothing.

I’m clearly in the minority here but I also wouldn’t be dropping my 6 year old to a play date and not staying. You actually never know what goes on in someone else’s house and they’re still very young at this age.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect to become friendly with your children’s friends parents. I’ve done this, mostly at birthday parties and whilst I won’t be meeting up with them without kids, we’re on good enough terms to message occasionally etc.

It’s mentally taxing to put yourself out there. Give yourself a break and then maybe try again.