To be disappointed about playdates.

[Playdatesq]

I have a year 5 child and Year 1. We moved here recently and I’ve been slowly getting to know the parents. I have tried to initiate play dates but since a few weeks ago I realised I need to build a support network and give my kids some socialising. I’m a single parent and have no family around. By support I don’t mean I want people to do things for me! I just want to meet up and kids to become friendlier with others so they settle in nicely.

i feel deflated and just fed up as I had play dates arranged for the kids but I just feel upset about them, on Saturday my daughter had a friend over and mother didn’t stay which I expected as she’s in year 5 and don’t need parental help. I did make it obvious to the mum beforehand that she is welcome to stay and have a coffee but she said she had errands to run and at pick up she will have a coffee. At pick up the dad came and we had polite conversation and it was fine. I spent the entire day Friday and Saturday cleaning and fretting - I woke up early to clean! I’m not a tidy person so cleaning was extra difficult, I got nice snacks for the kids and nice coffee and biscuits for the mum. Which was a waste as she didn’t even step foot in the house! Kids don’t care about cleanliness so I felt that was wasted.

Sunday my younger daughter in year 1 had a play date and I again told the mum she’s welcome to stay which she said would be lovely. So I spent Saturday night cleaning and woke up early Sunday to clean. The mum then drops her daughter off! Says she can’t stay now. It was really difficult actually as my elder daughter and friend entertained each other and it was easy for me but this one was harder as I had to essentially watch them. The house was a mess by the time play date ended. The mother didn’t pick up as I expected but the father did instead. He was looking around the room as there was chaos. I felt a little uncomfortable as I don’t really know him so awkward having a conversation and making small talk.

Kids want another play date with other friends this weekend! They want them over our house but I’m so done, I really can’t be bothered. I don’t want to meet out as I want to save money and last outing with their cousins I ended up spending so much just in a simple day out. I’m at work now I feel I wasted an entire weekend. Had they been honest in the beginning I wouldn’t have stressed so much but I wanted to make a good impression.

how do others manage the stress of this? Please advise me. I’ve never really worried about social aspects as we lived near family previously and they had friends from nursery etc. but I feel so isolated, lonely and fed up.

I dont think its helpful to say its poor form of the parents, this sets op up for unrealistic hopes. Being invited to stay for a coffee is just that - a polite invite. Its not everyone's thing, and thats absolutely fine as the play date is for the DC.

Op you'll likely naturally make some mum friends, it can take time. I never did as the whole school mum friends thing just didnt appeal at all but we did know each other and had a WA group where we'd offer to help each other out with pick ups etc. That was where id see a lot of coffees being arranged between the mums without the DC or meet ups at soft play places that I didnt mind going to i suppose 😬

Don’t deny your children play dates if they enjoy them-they are for them not you. You need to think of other ways to increase your social circle-the PTA might be a good start. And for pity’s sake, stop all the cleaning!

I'd say just keep going? Keep inviting kids for playdates and keep inviting the Mums to stay for coffee.

But stop tidying and buying special biscuits etc?

As long as you have somewhere to sit and drink a coffee, no one is worrying about how immaculate your house is?

Nice of you to invite. Hardly anyone invites my DC, it’s always me doing the inviting / hosting. Very frustrating.

Normal that parents don’t stay. People are busy.

Birthday parties of the yr1 will be a good opportunity to meet people as parents still stay if it’s somewhere like a soft play.

Honestly, that sounds so tiring and disappointing, and I can really understand why you feel fed up. You weren’t being silly or overthinking — you were just trying to be welcoming, make a good impression, and create some connection for both you and the kids. A lot of parents don’t realise how much effort the host puts in and just see playdates as drop-offs, so it usually isn’t personal, even though it hurts. It’s okay to do less next time, lower the pressure, and protect your energy — you’re doing your best in a really lonely situation, and that deserves kindness, not more stress.

I never did playdates, just met other mums on the playground. Or invited them on the way home for a coffee if we were walking the same way.

I don't understand why the cleaning was wasted, or why the house was trashed on the second day if you were supervising.

Are your kids in any sports or other activities at the weekend? That's often where as an adult you will find others, as dropping them off and running isn't always an option for an hour long activity? I also work full time and that's the only way I've built any sort of relationship with other parents as we all commiserate with each other as to how baltic it is while we hang about, or have a very quick coffee before heading back? The sporty parents or parents with lots of kids often get involved as linespeople or helping coach the very little kids if it's a club thing and lots of groups are happening at the same time. Our local cricket club is always looking for parent volunteers, offering to teach them to umpire or assist with the kids stuff, and there is a lot of social stuff in the summer months when the evenings are long.

But I can appreciate why you are lonely as a single parent. The evenings can be long once the kids are in bed and if there isn't spare cash for a sitter to do something as simple as a book club for a couple of hours, that's hard.

What do you actually like to do?

How odd and weird of you. All this effort and disappointment is entirely on you. The parents have done absolutely nothing wrong. At those ages they certainly do not need a parent to stay and it’s most definitely a time to get errands or other stuff done. I usually do drop offs and dh does pick ups. Very normal thing to do.

lol at poor form. No one needs to welcome the op! A quick chat at the door is normal. My kids did play dates much older and we did have a coffee or got invited in but that’s because the kids were good friends by then.
op is looking for something that’s not normally expected and she’s upset at them. No, the mums don’t owe you anything. Both parents were sharing the load of the play date drop and pick which is fairly normal

I think you're being unrealistic, you invited dc for a playdate, and that's what happened! I don't understand why you weren't expecting to look after the younger kids? You invited them!

I think you need to be explicit. "Dc would love to play with your dc, do you want to bring them over and we can have a cup of tea while they play?" I think a lot of parents may say no, as it's a much bigger demand on their time if they aren't particularly looking for new connections themselves, but at least they'll understand what you're expecting.

I think it might be best to separate your dc's playdates from attempts to make friends for yourself.

Go on Peanut app and make mum friends

This sounds perfectly normal!

Surely you would be pleased your kids have friends? The mess and tiredness from a playdate is to be expected, we have loads and Im so glad we do because our kids have tons of friends. It is exhausting.

As for parents staying, you'll soon be pleased they drop and go. And dads picking up, thats common too, nothing personal.

Most parents love to drop off on a playdate unless they're already close friends who want to catch up so I'm not sure that's your best route. Volunteering to help at PTA events, chatting at drop off/pick ups, going for class mum drinks and coffees and being sociable at parties (in the case of the Year 1 child where you might stay) are all better prospects.

I'm sorry you're dispirited, OP. It's hard when you've got certain expectations and that's not how it plays out.

Don't give up on playdates. They aren't for you, they are for your children and I'm sure they had a great time. It's really rare for parents to stay, even for a coffee if they don't know you well.

Enjoy the posh biscuits yourself with a nice cuppa and a film. You deserve treats as well - they aren't just for visitors.

I'd only stay at the playdate if I was already friends with the mum, so we could have a good natter and gossip. Otherwise, I would just feel a bit awkward.

If it's mum friends you are craving, maybe be more specific and invite them over for coffee.

Unless I have already grown very close to said Mum- I NEVER stay at playdates and sitting around with kids running in/out making small talk with someone I barely know is my worst nightmare. Go for drinks/meal or suggest walk/pub lunch with them that way, but honestly a playdate in someone else house with me expected to stay would be a big fat no thanks!

Last two playdates where I didn't know the mum (she stayed both times):

1. Super awkward, particularly as the mum had no conversational skills (not saying mine are incredible but she was basically silent). As I understand it the kids still play at school
2. The kids had nothing to say to each other but it confirmed to me and the mum that we did, so we carried on meeting up but without the kids. Kids never speak to each other now

Sounds like you don’t understand play dates, parents drop and go and you look after their child.

The quickest way to make friends is to join your school’s PTA. You’ll meet other mums there and I promise you, give it a few months and you will make friends!

Single mum here too. I have lots of play dates as I wfh so leave kids to play but parents never stay. I make friends at the school gate and always offer to have a tea so we can chat properly somewhere in a cafe. Most people in our year don’t work but I’ve had to be flexible with my time to nurture friendships I guess at initial stage.

I was never interested in making mum friends. Play dates were for my kids not me.

if you want friends you’d be better getting a job, volunteering, finding a hobby. That way you can meet like minded people.

try Scouts. You can volunteer and meet people as well as your children joint in beavers or cubs.

you will get to skip the waiting list too if you volunteer as a leader.

OP, have you tried Gingerbread, the charity supporting single parents?

They run local groups where you could take the children with you and meet other parents while they do an a activity. They also have an online forum for connecting single parents so you may be able to find some people in a similar situation who would be interested in developing a friendship or just an online group you can chat to in the evenings when feeling lonely.

Support for single parents | Gingerbread https://share.google/fLkYJBDhVuz9CG8QH

Stop all the cleaning and fretting.

Keep trying. But don’t get upset each time nothing comes of it with the adults. It’s a gradual process and will take time.

If the kids stay friends and the drop off and collection become regular you will gradually get to know the parents. I would never have wanted to sit and chat for a play date, the whole point is you get some time to yourself! If I'm bringing DD somewhere like a party or shared activity i will always send out a message asking if anyone wants a car pool. Of if im going to collect something specific (uniform or equipment related) I'll send them a message asking if they want me to pick up something. I always offer first if I can. The day comes when you can send a rushed text asking for someone to wait with your DC because you are running late etc and it's no big deal. DD has solid friends for years and I've been out for dinner with the Mums, I'd consider them friends. Ds1 chopped and changed friend groups a lot. Just when I was getting to know a parent he would no longer be friends with that kid. It was frustrating but what can you do. Be patient, stop worrying.

You need to arrange a play date for yourself. I wouldn’t assume that just because my child had made a friend that I would be expected to befriend their parent. It either happens spontaneously or it does not. You can’t force these things.

Also, no harm done if it encourages you to get your house clean and tidy. You get to enjoy that too.