To spend more time with SD2 than SD1?

[CatherineFR]

I have two SDs. The younger shares some of my interests, is quite like me in temperament, and is a pleasure to be around. The eldest is a lovely girl, but we have very little in common and whilst I love her, I don’t find her as easy to be around.

A few months ago, I asked if they’d like to come to my Saturday morning yoga class with me (other kids attend but it’s taken seriously), and SD1 messed around and talked throughout it and mocked the teacher afterwards, then tried to get me to take her on a shopping trip afterwards.

SD2 asked if she could come again yesterday, so I took her and we had a lovely time. SD1 is now upset about it (she said she didn’t want to come yesterday) and wants to come whenever SD2 comes.

I don’t want to take her. AIBU?

We both agree they need to spend time separately and DH has no issue at all with me just taking SD2.

I do think I may be in for some teenage troubles with SD1 though. She openly prefers spending time with her dad over me (which is absolutely fine!) but will always opt for me if I’m going somewhere that might involve buying her stuff. I think she sees me as a bit of a cash cow, and it’s not very nice.

I would speak to dh about her seeing you as a cash cow and tell him your annoyed by it. But yanbu in the slightest to take the SD who doesn’t mess around, i wouldn’t want to take a teenager who mocked the class neither very embarrassing at her age that she can’t be respectful.

We have spoken about it and he’s addressed it with her, but it doesn’t make much difference…

SD1 asked for various of my family member’s phone numbers last year, which we thought was sweet, but it was just to text an expensive birthday present wish with no pleasantries. It was embarrassing.

She’s got many lovely qualities but she’s always been quite mercenary.

It's fine not to take her. You tried, she messed around. I would continue to take the other one only.

That's all well then, I was more replying to your comment about sd2 wanting shopping or cinema and you said those things dont interest you etc.

I think relationships in blended families are more complex than it’d be if she was my own, or here full-time. As SD1 gets older, she’s making it quite clear that she doesn’t really rate my company or interests. That’s fine, but she doesn’t get to ruin mine or SD2’s yoga session because she wants to come to brunch for social media content.

I’m aware that saying no to her will probably make her like me even less!

I think it’s fair enough to just take the one who’s really interested.
I go to a festival most years with DS1 (now 26)
DS2 has asked for a few years to join us and I’ve said no. He’s not into the music and after one day would probably want to go home, he’s admitted I’m right about that.
But I do feel bad about not doing similar things with DS2 (18). He’s been invited by DSis and DBil to a weekend long motorbike meet. I’m tagging along too, not a big fan of bikes but I want to spend the time with my son.

If they were my biological children and behaved similarly I'd be telling the one messing about and being disrespectful to crack on and stay home. I wouldn't be spending my time and money on her playing the fool.

I don’t know if this makes me a Wicked Stepmother, but I don’t really feel bad. SD1 has two involved and loving parents who can ensure they spend one-to-one time with her. I think she’d genuinely rather be with her dad when she’s at our house and that’s fine.

FAFO.

If SD1 behaves poorly, she can't go. That's the consequence of her bad behaviour. She was disruptive and she's likely not welcome. I'm surprised she wasn't asked to be quiet or for you guys to leave the class. She wasted other people's time and money.

The answer is no.

This is how I feel, too. If spending time with SD1 wasn’t such a blatant cash grab, I’d be more interested in prioritising it. But actions (and behaviour) have consequences!

Would say it was very relevant OP

I suggest take sd2 to yoga and otherwise it’s business as usual. Sd1 doesn’t need to be catered to. I’m sure you go on plenty of shopping trips and you do not need to plan extra ones.

Do you think any of us have interest in teen films? No we don’t, but we spend time with our children.
you sound like a terrible mother.

A terrible mother because she is taking one of her SD’s to her yoga class with her 😂

A terrible mother because she whinged about it being suggested she spends time with them separately, “do I really need to give up some of my weekend for her”
hope that clears that up for you. ✌️