To give up my job?

[SENMummyto2]

I have two children with SEN, aged 8 and 5. One has ADHD (medicated) and the other is AuDHD but too young for meds. Both are in mainstream. We’ve been through months of school refusal, suspensions and reduced timetables with both.
My eldest is doing better now, though we still have explosive meltdowns at home and occasional school refusal. She has an EHCP. My youngest is really struggling – EHCP issued, but mainstream said they could meet need and clearly can’t. Suspensions are ongoing, along with severe dysregulation and violent meltdowns at home. Neither child can attend paid childcare or clubs as they’ve been asked to leave.

I have a job I’m good at and genuinely like. I’ve reduced to school hours and work have been flexible, but I’m completely burnt out. I never know if a suspension is coming, if school refusal will hit, or if I’ll be dealing with violence at home. I’m exhausted from constant advocacy and now trying to secure a SEN school place for my youngest. It feels relentless.

I’m slowly realising I might not be able to have it all. Financially we’d be OK – my husband is the main earner, though he has a very high-pressure job and already does his fair share.

AIBU to give up my job? I’ve worked so hard to get here and never wanted to rely on a partner financially, but I’m so tired. I’ve reduced my hours as much as possible and my role just isn’t compatible with needing to drop everything at short notice.

No way should you give up your job
Can you imagine dealing with that and having no escape lane (your job which you love and are good at)
Your life would be reduced to dealing with family crap 24/7.

If everyone saying "keep the job" had 2 young kids with additional needs I might sit up and take notice, but having had just one child that needs intensive support I think you've just posted on the wrong board, and that its sadly clear you need to make a hard choice.

There's a big movement on MN at the moment that women are simply sponging off men and must to work full time (thinly disguised as them needing to "protect" themselves) but ultimately unless you have skin in this particular game you have no idea. I went part time (not sure if that's an option for you?) and it's very well documented by support charities etc that mums (normally the mum) are having to give up working, careers etc to care for their disabled and/or SEN children. It's not right, but it goes with the territory. Sadly I also lost out on private pension contributions leaving now ex-H in a better position when we divorced but he was never supportive like your DH so that's one good thing you have going for you OP.

I think the best alternative idea in the thread so far was the sabbatical, see if things improve somehow, but as I say, I've been there. DD is now 22 and still needing pretty much constant support.

Interesting article from last year talking about two women who did carry on working and the costs involved (£300 a day childcare!):

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2kgjd8700ko

Hi OP, I’ve done what you are discussing. I had to give up my job over a year ago to care for my now 9 year old. I had already reduced to only school hours, but then when school refusal kicked in it became impossible. Like you say, you would never know on a given day how things would go, we would often get to the school when the anxiety would kick in & he would be unable to get out of the car, go through the gates etc. I was constantly having to ring in sick, contact husband to get him or some days just forcing him in kicking & screaming. I felt I was letting everyone down and decided to leave my job & I have no regrets. We can now move at my son’s pace in the mornings, and if he is unable to attend we can stay at home and do some work at home.

it’s a huge decision to make, but I really feel you can only understand it if you have walked in those shoes.

best of luck whatever you do!

Honestly, it really isn’t as simple as this. It’s not a straightforward choice, something has to give.

for those asking about my DH doing more, he is a wonderful dad & husband and does so much already. When he isn’t working he is brilliant, takes at least his share of the load, but reality is he has a high pressure job, which takes him all over the world. He is the main breadwinner by far, so he really can’t do anymore than he already is doing.

I hear what you're saying, but how many Mum's with two SEND kids do you know who have "a high pressure job, which takes them all over the world"? I'm guessing not many. There's a reason for that.
We also have 2 DC with SEND. Like you, I have a DH who is by far the higher earner. I tried being at home full time and found it was not good for my Mental Health. So we arrived at a compromise. I went back to work, term time only (DC can't cope with holiday clubs) and DH still works full time but he found a job closer to home that doesn't require regular international travel and allows him the flexibility to wfh if the DC have an appointment or need picking up from school early so we can take turns to cover those absences rather than it all being on me. He could earn more if he was willing to do a long commute and go abroad for work regularly but this would mean me either having to work a lot less hours (meaning I'd have to take a less interesting role and no chance of progression) or give up work altogether. Has your DH actually looked for jobs with more flexibility and less international travel?
I know so many women with SEND children who have had to abandon their careers altogether and it seems very unfair, not to mention very risky financially for them if the marriage doesn't work out.

I hear you @neverbeenskiingbut he wouldn’t be a high earner without it. He’s in sales and that’s all he’s ever known, plus he’s very good at what he does. If he were to get a job that doesn’t require travel or pressure, and that’s a bit “if” considering the job market, the much lower pay would mean I would also have to work full time and that just isn’t possible.

Does work have any policies for taking career break?

I feel for you.

My son is 23, but still needs so much input into his life. He works, but only because I am behind him, facilitating it, keeping a note of his shifts, making sure he is on time, clean uniform etc, prompting him to take his meds. And right now I am juggling a host of medical appointments to ensure he doesn't miss one and that they all get told the relevant information that it wouldn't occur to him to mention.

He did not have the level of needs your children do, and I was able to work term time only when he was younger which was a godsend. It was the teenage years when it all fell apart for us.

I understand totally what others are saying and about keeping your job and they are valid points you need to consider. My pension is rubbish, it didn't dawn on me to start private pension payments. But, apart from the stupidly about the pension, I personally don't regret not having had regular work over the last 10 years.

I have still worked, but fairly basic part time roles.

But I didn't leave a career job, I always have done secretarial/admin.

There isn't a right or wrong choice in your situation.

Hi op. I was you.

I had to drop down pt, school hours and term time just to be able to cope. Tbf work was amazing as with school refusal some mornings I wouldnt make it in until 10am and be in a state.

I had all important work removed as I couldn't be relied on due to caring situation and ended up with grunt work. It was crap, im not going to lie and destroyed my career and I did become quite bitter about everything.

But got the kids sorted by the time I hit upper ends of primary school and was able to start clawing my way back work wise, I dug out a specialist niche that had been overlooked. Work kept me sane tbh but appreciate its not for everyone.

Raising children is the most important job anyone can do. You are in no way letting women or your family down by raising and caring for your disabled DC. You really need to change that pattern of thinking so you can make the right decision for you and your DC.

Is work a burden that makes life harder? Or is having that time away to be with you colleagues and focus on goals beneficial to your mental health?

If it's the latter, could you easily get back into work or find a voluntary role that would be stimulating and meet your needs? If so, just leave now and if it doesn't go well, return. If it's the former, leave work and take the time you need to rest and be the best parent you can be.

Thank you for all your responses, it’s really helped writing it out. I’m leaning towards leaving tbh. I’ll look into the sabbatical as well.

and why should it be the OP's job? And identity.

Could you try the sabbatical option in conjunction with a nanny? If you can find someone who has extensive training and experience, you may be able to use that time working together and with your child to try and find strategies to help regulate them; allowing (hopefully) for more time spent in school. It would also mean that on particularly tricky days, you could tap in and out with each other, which would lessen the burden on both of you and they might settle into the role better than previous candidates have.

I don't know where you are based, but in my area we have specific local authority ran additional support needs after school/holiday clubs. The staff are fully trained, and they are held in adapted units/schools to support the needs of the children. Although your child is currently stuck in mainstream school, could a club like this be available near you?

I hope you find a solution that works for your family 💕

As the OP explained, it makes no sense for her husband to give up his higher paying job, they still have to pay the bills. I was in exactly the same position, we couldn’t have lived on what I earned so it was my job that went. It isn’t fair, but having a disabled child isn’t fair at all. In fact later in my husband was able to work from home and his company were extremely good with letting him work flexibly, and he was able to do much of the caring and taking her to appointments etc, so I was able to take a school job . We work as a team in a very difficult situation.

After a super tricky weekend we had a very tense morning with disregulation and school refusal from both. Managed to get them both in by about 9:30, but I can’t carry on like this, I feel like I’m letting everyone down and just coasting work and mum life. Sending solidarity to all those dealing with similar ❤️

I was in the same position, and ultimately had to give up my job. DH was thankfully very supportive, and recognises that being at home and giving up part of your identity isn’t an easy thing. I’ve had to home educate one of my children for the past four years as school became impossible. Giving up work does remove a lot of the previous stress, but you need to find ways to decompress and keep a little of your own identity too. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hugs to you
One of mine made it in today (to my surprise as very dysregulated last night!) but the other completely shut down and couldn't do it

This morning I had a panic attack. The first time it’s ever happened and it was scary! This was following a particularly difficult morning, with both children disregulated and not wanting to attend school.

ive finally realised / accepted I’m not well enough to do my job at the moment so am going to get signed off. The good thing is that I checked and I have 3mths full pay, so at least I have some time to breathe. Thanks again for all the comments, suggestions and support.

Good decision.

Whatever you decide to do long term, keep some form of pension payments in place. I total overlooked this and am regretting it.