Husbands dark moods always end in an argument

[Alvaa]

I feel like he’s looking for an argument all the time.

today, I went with his to the junior football match he coaches. Got up at 8am, got ready and was pleased to be there. End of second half a boy gets tackled and looks like he’s broken his foot. Me and husband rush him to A&E because his parents weren’t at the match. Sat with him, I bought him food and a drink, comforted him, and stayed with them both until his parents got there around 2 hours later.

Then husband had to go and collect his sister who’s been discharged from hospital. I walked to the shop, bought dinner and cooked it for him.

He gets back saying “I’m this close to breaking”, slams doors, shouts at the dogs for no reason. Then sits on the couch next to me and stares ahead. I asked what’s wrong he said “I’m tired”. I say do you want to eat and then go to bed? He said it’s not that kind of tired.

then he says his day was ruined, he just wanted to coach, then says he doesn’t have enough time to do his hobbies anymore. This is because he’s increased his PT hours to FT as I was paying 75% of bills, and him 25%.

I said there has to be give and take and that family men can’t always do what they want. He then said why aren’t I comforting him/cuddling him? Then he said that I’m acting as if he’s hurt me?

that’s just one example.

The issue of him not being “allowed” to spend money on ridiculous stuff is an ongoing issues - in the past he’s not contributed to bills because he’s bought a new item for leisure, like new golf clubs without consultation.

Im actually quite scared/awkward to respond well when he’s slamming around or moody so I keep quiet. When I do speak he says I’m not helping.

when I disclose that I find something hard or feel low (ie when hospitalised for an operation) he’s always telling me to look on the bright side etc

AIBU to feel like he needs to get in the real world and family men can’t gallivant around spending their own money and filling time with all their leisure time?!

Scary stuff

Lol you sound ridiculous ranting on like this. Grow up.

Back away @MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo

I have (as I suspect most women do in RL when faced with him)

Fuck’s sake. Get rid and buy without him! What is the actual point???

@Alvaa am sure someone has already said it; do not, under any circumstance, buy a house with this adult. He missed certain stages of development.

He sounds like a complete moron, I’d take your 15k savings and get your own place, imagine being saddled with this loser for evermore.

@Alvaa

Please don't buy a house with him, it will make it extremely difficult to extricate yourself from this marriage. And please DO carefully consider your own future. Since he's whining about how 'tired' he is you can bet your bottom dollar (or pound) that the minute you complete on a house he will drop his hours. And you can do nothing about it but pick up the slack, because who wants to default on a mortgage?

So he's allowed to be as moody and insulting as he wants and you are expected to be Miss Chipper at all times. This man is emotionally abusing you. And if his spending habits are putting more financial pressure on you, that's financial abuse, too.

He treats you this way because he's 'getting something out of it'. He enjoys it either because he's using you as a 'whipping boy' to relieve his own unhappiness or because he simply gets off on it. Either is wrong but the latter is worse. At any rate, he's not going to stop and you can't make him stop because he's getting something out of it.

I think you need to seriously consider ending this marriage. This is the time to do it. Your tenancy will be ending and you have no children. You can basically walk away now at very little cost to yourself. If you stay, and especially if you buy a house with him, you will lose financially, I guarantee it.

He will still be doing this in 25 years after you have bought a house and raised a family. He will be begrudging working, not being able to keep all his money for himself, having to honour the responsibilities he took on when he got married, applied for a mortgage, accepted home ownership, brought children into the world.

He won't change. This is the start of emotional and financial abuse.

You will spend decades listening to how tired his is, how his work is harder, how he has no money while you pay for most bills (even if he earns more), how xyz is ruining his life and he would be OK if it weren't for xyz (xyz being normal family responsibilities, cars, house maintenance, parental duties etc).

At various points all this will be turned around on you, he will say it is your fault, if it weren't for you and the DC he would have a nice car etc.

You are being and will continue to be his emotional punchbag, which is him taking out on you his bad feelings, unhappiness, lack of responsibility for his own mistakes.

Get out now while you can.