Husbands dark moods always end in an argument

[Alvaa]

I feel like he’s looking for an argument all the time.

today, I went with his to the junior football match he coaches. Got up at 8am, got ready and was pleased to be there. End of second half a boy gets tackled and looks like he’s broken his foot. Me and husband rush him to A&E because his parents weren’t at the match. Sat with him, I bought him food and a drink, comforted him, and stayed with them both until his parents got there around 2 hours later.

Then husband had to go and collect his sister who’s been discharged from hospital. I walked to the shop, bought dinner and cooked it for him.

He gets back saying “I’m this close to breaking”, slams doors, shouts at the dogs for no reason. Then sits on the couch next to me and stares ahead. I asked what’s wrong he said “I’m tired”. I say do you want to eat and then go to bed? He said it’s not that kind of tired.

then he says his day was ruined, he just wanted to coach, then says he doesn’t have enough time to do his hobbies anymore. This is because he’s increased his PT hours to FT as I was paying 75% of bills, and him 25%.

I said there has to be give and take and that family men can’t always do what they want. He then said why aren’t I comforting him/cuddling him? Then he said that I’m acting as if he’s hurt me?

that’s just one example.

The issue of him not being “allowed” to spend money on ridiculous stuff is an ongoing issues - in the past he’s not contributed to bills because he’s bought a new item for leisure, like new golf clubs without consultation.

Im actually quite scared/awkward to respond well when he’s slamming around or moody so I keep quiet. When I do speak he says I’m not helping.

when I disclose that I find something hard or feel low (ie when hospitalised for an operation) he’s always telling me to look on the bright side etc

AIBU to feel like he needs to get in the real world and family men can’t gallivant around spending their own money and filling time with all their leisure time?!

Sadly money can ruin relationships. Even though i made some really good change, i was broke and lived paycheck to paycheck most of the time. I think you must restrict access to some of the things you pay for so he can learn the lesson the hard way.

You’re his mommy.

I don’t agree - this could risk his abusive nature escalating

Its unanimous: just cut your losses snd get out. This man is deeply selfish and he won’t change. Stop saying the phrase “family msn” like its a magical incantation. he’s not a family man he’s not interested in being there for the kid with the broken bone, his sister, or you. He does those things because he’s faking being a grown up. But he doesn’t enjoy them.

Im married to a family man. If that is who they are they know it, they livevit. They think in advance “how will this affect my wife? Children? Parents?” They worry about money “can we afford this?” They plan for the future.
He is faking you out. He cares only anout himself .

Get out before commingling assets and before children.

Don’t buy a house. £15k savings is nowhere near enough. You’re already under financial pressure, why add a mortgage on top?

I think there’s a mismatch here. Would you like it if when you were low and in a bad mood over no time for yourself if he said “there has to be give and take and that married women can’t always do what they want.” ?

That’s kind of invalidating. He tells you “look on the bright side” which is also invalidating.

You can’t both continue to ignore and dismiss unhappiness and just carry on with daily go get food, cook, eat, watch telly, go to bed, clean, laundry, work, on repeat. That is just existing.

In what way do you still restrict him from his hobbies now he is working full time? Are you sure time cannot be made for his hobbies? Some budget agreed?

I know I would go mad if my husband started to not allow me any time or any of my money for my hobbies, and ditto for him. Our hobbies are how we decompress and let go of stress, I agree when you have a family you can’t always do what you want, but never do what you want?

What’s ridiculous comment from you based on one altercation and one persons viewpoint on their marriage

Sounds depressed but you don’t deserve this

Your life can be better than this. He will not be a good father.

And he's 'close to breaking' from a normal day (albeit one that didn't go to plan) 🙄 He needs to grow up.

Don't find a house with him. Get out now. He's not going to change. He wants to live the single life where he can come and go as he pleases.

Let him.

He is not husband material. Get out of the marriage now.

Use this needing to get out of your current place as the perfect excuse to get out of this relationship and start a new life, in a new place on your own.

£15k to buy somewhere as a deposit, pay for legal fees and moving costs? I think that’s ambitious.

You take your money. You find a cheap studio for yourself to rent and save like a mad woman. Then you buy somewhere.

OP, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? This manchild is going to sulk and put on his parts simply because he’s expected to hold down a full-time job - heaven help you if ever you were to throw children into the mix. Please, take a long hard look at what you want from life, and act accordingly.

Can’t imagine going along to “support” my husband on a rainy Saturday morning whilst he coaches kids…. None of which are mine (or even his!)

He sounds awful. Don't buy a house with him. At best, he's just an arsehole. At worst he's deliberately acting having temper tantrums in the hope that you'll want him to go back to working part-time so that he stops acting so horribly. Then he could go back to doing more hobbies and let you do almost all the work again. For god's sake don't have children with him if you haven't already.

You need to wake up. Fast.

Take the opportunity life has given you, rent a place just for you and never let him over the threshold.

And file for divorce.

He’s only going to get worse. Don’t buy a house with this man OP. You deserve to be with someone who shares the load and makes you happy.

You can’t change someone else, don’t bother trying. He’s definitely hoping you’ll let him go part time again. Since you have no kids, I’d let him do whatever he wants, as a single man. You’ve got far more enjoyable things you could be doing with your life than supporting this petulant man child.

This. He definitely knows what he’s doing. Wants to go back to his part time hours and minimal contribution I suspect.

Are you still planning to buy a house with this idiotic man child?????

Think of it, you pay 75% of the household expenses and he's mad that he has to work full time and yet here you are pandering and trying to please him

You should be grateful that you don't have any children with him so you can RUN.

As you are contributing to the deposit and he isn’t could you buy it alone? I am guessing you need his contribution for the mortgage? If you have the option to buy alone do. If you need his contribution for the mortgage make sure your deposit is returned to you if you ever sell. Basically take legal / financial advice to protect your money.

He sounds like a loser. I doubt he’ll go anywhere as he has had it cushy up to now, but you may get fed up and want rid of him at some stage. So protect what you put in.

I have always earned considerably less than my dh but I have always taken the lead on what was needed within the home (which was a lot more than usual in our case) allowing dh to earn more. I also didn’t spend money on stuff I wanted rather than put into family pot.

He’s horrible! Please leave him.

I'm not usually one to rush in with a LTB, but are you completely sure you want to spend your life with this man? He sounds like a toddler. Moods and sulking are a massive ick-driver. I'm not sure I could let a man near my apron pocket after he'd complained about not having enough time/money for his 'hobby' 🙄

Can you start mirroring his behaviour? Find fault with every house you view, come home from work and stare into space, tell him you feel the sort of 'tiredness' he does, tell him you don't have time for yourself and your 'hobbies'. Just withdraw and sulk just like he does.

You can’t seriously be considering getting a mortgage and being financially tied to someone that bought golf clubs instead of paying his contribution towards the bills?