Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

She doesn't want the gift kept at her child's father's house though...

Is anyone arguing she has to keep it in the communal area?

Just buy a key? Won't be a special individual key or is it an electronic piano with some kind of code (which prob6 an be over ridden). Piano key is anywhere from 1.99 to 6.99 acc to Google. Is he going to come and take away your key??

Would you buy a communal piano for your ex’s house? Really?

Well that’s her choice - but the idea of having two pianos in one room is completely absurd!!

she is doing a disservice to all her kids if she does tbh

my youngest started piano at 4 and we got a piano and she was the only person using it. A few years later my son started and she was excited to share and show him what she knew etc etc.

Size doesn't change something into communal property. The OP can agree to have the piano in her house or not. If she agrees it can be there then she should respect ownership and consent.

A couple of people have said that the piano should be put in the daughter’s room. If the OP lives the way most people in the UK do, the bedrooms will be upstairs. I cannot tell you what a massive pain in the arse getting a piano up a flight of stairs would be - my staircase would be too narrow to even consider it.

I don’t have an ex.

AS a PP said would you have two trampolines? It’s buying a piano for his daughter not his ex.

If the piano is in your house, you make the rules about it. If he wants to make the rules, he has it in his house. End of story.

He has gifted it to his daughter, therefore he doesn't make the rules anymore. If he's claiming it still belongs to him.. well.. it should be in his house then.

Having two pianos would be ridiculous. Give ex a choice:

1. Every child in your house who learns piano can use the piano for their lessons/practice.
2. If he doesn't agree to that, you tell him he has until a certain date to collect the piano or you will sell it and buy another which is a family piano.

Explain to daughter that it is not reasonable for you to have two pianos cluttering up your house. She must realise that. If she wants to keep it to herself she needs to either have it at her dad's house or in her own room.

Violins etc are quite different and can be kept in child's own room and not shared.
Why is your ex trying to dictate what happens in YOUR home?

Should it be communal property if it cant bet moved upstairs. The OPs daughter will remember how she was treated in this blended family.

Let her have her piano without making a fuss over it. Make it clear that the piano is hers and just because it's in their home it doesn't make it theirs to use. She needs to be able to trust that you have her back when it comes to her younger siblings using her things, especially a treasured gift from her father.

Buy younger sib a keyboard to learn on.

Dad has possibly stepped in after she has said something about it to him.

She's 12. She's getting to the age where she will be able to fend for herself while her dad works and she can vote with her feet as to where she wants to live.

Nobody seems to be thinking about the harm being done to the OP’s daughter. The piano was a gift from her father to her. It was not a household gift bought by the OP for all the children to share if they decided to learn. That matters.

The only harm being done to the OP’s daughter is the division being driven betweeen her and her siblings, by her father.

That is far more damaging to her than her little sister having a 30 minute lesson twice a week on her piano.

Which would be standard in any other family.

Its not the OP's father that is being controlling here, it is to OP by trying to force her daughter to share gifts from her father. The fact the piano is in the OP's house doesn't change who owns it or why is was bought.

Trying to frame it in this way is really sinister of you, and peak gaslighting.

The OP needs to think about ALL her children, as any other parent does.

The fact is that the eldest DD is part of a family and this is how families work.

There is no other situation I can think of where a child, in a multi sibling household, would have a piano for their sole use.

Or where a child, in a multi sibling household, would have a tampoline for their sole use.

Or where a child, in a multi sibling household, would have a playhouse for their sole use.

Or where a child, in a multi sibling household, would have a puppy solely for them - with no other children being allowed to touch it.

Regardless of who bought the item.

THAT is what is damaging to children. The OP’s daughter is old enough to understand.

I see how this could be an if issue it’s a really nice piano and not easy or cheap to replace with a communal family piano.
So one solution that might work would be for your husband to buy his girls a decent electric piano. Kawai and Yamaha make decent models for about 1000 pounds. They aren’t keyboards. They are full size electric piano with weighted keys. The sound and feel are not comparable to an excellent acoustic but they are nicer than a cheap old difficult to keep in tune acoustic and they have the big advantage of being relatively portable and you can play them with headphones. Both of those things mean your eldest daughter might like to borrow her younger sisters’ piano from time to time which could be negotiated for by letting her sisters also play her lovely acoustic from time to time.
Your ex is being awful about the piano btw. It’s one thing to say small children aren’t allowed to bang around a nice piano, but quite another to refuse that anyone else in the house ever plays it correctly. A piano cannot be broken by a supervised child playing it as intended. It just can’t. There is nothing you can accidentally do to a piano while sitting on a stool and playing it with you fingers that will break it. And pianos do not go out of tune more quickly because a kid is playing it for an additional 15-30 minutes per day on top of an older child practicing for 30-60 minutes.

All of this. He’s trying to drive a wedge between siblings. Absolute knob

Unless daughter has a room with joists that can take the weight of a piano, it is usual to have the piano on the ground floor, thus in shared/communal living space. Piano installers are often reluctant to deliver to upstairs in domestic premises also because staircases are often not wide enough.

Plus OP may be referencing in baby-grand (which is seriously bloody overkill for a 12yo who is only grade 5…) so, again, unlikely to be able to accommodate it in a bedroom.

Dad has possibly stepped in after she has said something about it to him.

Children complain about their siblings all the time, though.

It’s completely normal.

What isn’t normal is reinforcing those complaints, and driving a wedge between siblings.

Would you think it was okay if the OP’s husband bought their daughter a puppy. Would you be encouraging the OP to make it clear to her eldest daughter that the puppy belongs to the youngest, and just because it lives in the home, doesn’t mean it’s okay for the eldest to pet, play or interact with it?

Would you consider it very important that the younger sibling could trust OP “had their back” when it comes to her eldest daughter, otherwise, the OP’s husband could just vote with his feet and leave with the younger daughter.

Someone asked what I want out of this thread. I just wanted opinions and have come down on one.

My ex has two houses. One related to his job and a house two tube stops away from us. He definitely has an array of musical instruments in the London one including a good piano. On one occasion my youngest child had to come with me and ex even let him use some percussion instruments.

I do not want my daughter having to go there to practice on his piano as he isn’t even there half the time.

I think my elder daughter would prefer that her piano is not shared but wouldn’t have challenged me in this way unilaterally.

I accept that she would have been at least a couple of grades higher had we not moved house etc and I took my eye off the ball. I don’t think this has disadvantaged her re: uni or career as she is back on track now.

We could not afford to spend I imagine around 9 grand for an equivalent piano for younger two.

if I took this piano away it would be my elder daughter who would blame me and suffer as a result. I would worry she would think negatively of the younger two. She has in the past picked them up and tried to teach them a little bit.

I am going to take the advice of one poster who suggested me getting a good keyboard just for my younger daughter and tell her when she gets to Grade 2 I will get her a piano.

Well I didn’t know what I wanted out of the thread but I am resolved. Thank you.

P.S. I am not a snob or take pride in the bloody piano being in my house.

He sees her often, they have a good and close relationship but and I have to confess I am delighted, that he can’t have her 50:50 as I want her with me.

It’s hard not to notice the satisfaction here. Is this about your daughter or your ex DH?

Nothing says 'I love you' likes forcing your 12 year old daughter to share gifts from her father, which will have sentimental value. But don't let the research that shows that ownership is important to children from broken relationships. Lets make the DH a straw man and burn him, the controlling arse!🙄

I think you have been really unlucky OP. You have an ex DH and a DH problem. How dare your current DH suggest you get a second piano! All the men in your life sound so unreasonable... Love and prayers💐

I think OP really needs to look at the family dynamics going on here.

She wants to use a very expensive special gift from her eldest's dad to her for family use. Her ex has already approached her about how her having another family has negatively affected eldest. I remember the wedding thread. This is not a well blended family, there's fault lines, not of OP's doing and she's resisted that until now, but OP has to realize that taking her daughter's piano and making it a communal family thing is just another fracture. Too many of those and the structure breaks.

Stop being weak. Stand firm and tell him the piano is a shared item, or it's going.

You can't wear out a piano FFS.

OP, once your other children are respectful of the piano, there is no issue.

My 4 children have completed all their gradings on our beautiful piano and they have friends that come in an have a go on it.

It is not made of china, it cannot be easily damaged.

Once everyone is respectful there is NO issue.

As for having two pianos in a house because your Ex won't allow it?

If you want anyone who hears/sees this, to think you are both utterly wet and weak, definitely turn your house into a music shop🙄.

If it is only for her use then it goes in her room. If it doesn't fit or it is not practicable and goes in general family area then it is for family use.

I think you've come to a good solution. The piano is a giant symbol, but it's about more than the piano.