Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

I’d get him to take it back and you buy another piano. However you don’t want to do that, or buy another one and have two (understandable). So you get him to agree the younger daughter can use it, and if he won’t, she doesn’t use it. Petty of him, but if you won’t give it back/buy another, I see no other option.

I’d tell him to get it taken away and buy a replacement. Absolutely ridiculous example to be setting his daughter.

Google the Kanneh-Masons. They have serious talent and book time on the families piano(s) so all 6 of them get a turn. They all play multiple instruments amazingly well. They don't have a dick for a dad of course.

He may be advocating for his daughter, who doesn’t want her sister using the piano. If so, she’s not going to blame her father for taking it away, but her mother and sister for making it so she can’t have it at her main residence.

OP, like it or not, does have less control over a 12 year old who can choose to spend more time, or even the majority of time, at her father’s house. That isn’t an option available to her siblings.

I voted YANBU, things should be shared.

BUT I would say your elder daughter is 12, Grade 5 and multiple instruments. She is obviously pretty good at music and practicing and the piano is 'remarkable', so I am guessing high-end and will last her lifetime with care and attention.

What age is your younger daughter? And does she often have friends round to the house?. .. Are they of an age to treat it with respect?

Because I loved having a piano in our house that I did not care about... Any kid could bash away on it and they certainly did, most kids take a bit of care and it is a joy to hear them have a go, but some - all they want to do is crash/bash down on it, slamming the lid etc which would make me wince. On a beautiful piano, it would be a sin.

A violin, flute, guitar, these are personal instruments. A piano is not and it's totally unreasonable for him to try and restrict use of a piano solely to one child in the household. He's an actual cunt for telling your DD to lock it. I would have a quiet chat with your DD and say this in a more polite way and that the piano is for use by the household, or it goes to her dad's and you will buy a piano for your family. I would not encourage her to have music lessons at his house as this rewards his appalling behaviour and pushes your DD away. If your DD is really sensible, I would ask her who would know if she 'accidentally forgot' to lock the piano. I know you don't want him to take the piano, @Dazedandconfusec , but you can't let him dictate to your family like this.

I’m in a couple of minds about this. The problem is, a piano needs to be played and tuned to stay in good condition (and, ideally, kept at a constant temperature and humidity). Some of the suggestions (like putting it in the garage or into storage) will leave it being almost useless.

I can understand this dude being a bit peeved that the younger children are using the expensive piano BUT not to the extent of telling his daughter to lock it. I suspect that he hasn’t realised how peculiar this looks.

Realistically, a piano takes up a lot of wall space. A grand piano / baby grand takes up even more room - for this reason, I hope that isn’t what you have. One option would be to offer the value of the piano to him so it becomes yours - but second hand pianos are not worth as much as you might expect. He is likely to expect a lot more than you should offer, particularly if it is a grand piano.

The other option is that you tell him that this is creating drama within your house so you will arrange for the piano to be delivered to his (this will be expensive, piano movers are a skilled bunch). It will need tuning once it has been moved but that will be his problem.

He's being incredibly petty, and punishing you and your younger children for having them.

I'd be telling him that the piano will not be being locked, and that it's unreasonable of him to expect your shared daughter to behave in this way towards her siblings, it's unkind, selfish, and mean.

Then I'd make it very clear, that if he outright won't change his stance on this, he either collects the piano within 7 days, or he starts paying you storage fees for it. Say £50 per week.

I'd also point out, whilst he's such a petty person, that you and your children are unable to use the shared family room it's in whilst your shared daughter practices and have her lessons, so you'll be charging him rent to cover that also, unless he wises up and stops being so damned petty and unreasonable.

It is outrageous that he would buy her such a large instrument that is being kept in shared family space and forbid others from using it.

There are always people giving away pianos online, try facebook marketplace, you'll just need to pay for a specialist removal firm and a piano tuner.

I certainly wouldn't be dancing to your ex-husband's tune, he's bitter as fuck and it's very ugly.

It’s hers and was bought for her. OP doesn’t get to unilaterally decide it’s communal property. If OP wants to change the rules to make private property into communal, or change the rules to say her daughter can’t store her stuff in communal areas, that’s her call but she needs to send the piano either to the older DD’s bedroom or dad’s house.

Mad! It's a piano! As someone who plays and has a music degree, it pains me when instruments are misused, but to practise when having lessons is a whole different matter! No-one touches my violin (if they were good I'd let them) but all sorts of people play the piano - friends of the (now adult) dcs, visitors...

Very sad to have a lovely instrument no-one can use and very unfair on your dd.

He lost all authority when he said that a sibling, even a half-sibling, had compromised his daughter’s life rather than added to it. He see his child as a project to be worked on and perfected, requiring your sole attention and all your resources. Yuck. What a way to miss the point.

Locking the piano is unsurprising when he sees your youngest in this way. You have to wonder what else he’s telling his child about her half-sister.

I don’t know what to suggest. It’s a stupid and pathetic situation your ex has created. There’s no solution that isn’t going to breed division or resentment in one or both children. What an awful man.

ETA: the only card you hold is that the piano is in your house. Ask him to remove it to his house. He can have the instrument he bought for his child in his house. You buy a piano for your house, that both children can use. It’ll be yours. What a pathetic man he is.

I would have to send it over to his and buy a new one - there's no way that I would be letting him use my house to store his items.

Is the problem that you wouldn't be able to afford such a nice one?

Can you pay him for the piano? Ask to buy it from him?

Are you entirely sure this is being driven by your ex and not a cheesed off near teenager who doesn’t want to be forced to share something she considers hers? Does she have to share anything else with the younger ones?

What’s your solution then?

Oh come on OP.. fucking grow a pair.

Why are you even entertaining this bullshit in YOUR home for more than a moment of thought?

Either tell him to fuck off, or fuck the piano off out of your house to his house and let your husband get one they can both use.

Nobody seems to be thinking about the harm being done to the OP’s daughter. The piano was a gift from her father to her. It was not a household gift bought by the OP for all the children to share if they decided to learn. That matters.

More importantly, if this was reversed and the OP was complaining that her daughter was being forced to share gifts she had bought with half-siblings at her ex’s house, people would be up in arms. They would be talking about disrespected boundaries, forced blending, and adults prioritising new relationships over existing children who had no say in the changes.

Having half-siblings does not mean a child’s rights to ownership, boundaries, and consent should be trampled over, especially not at 12 years old. At that age, children are fully capable of understanding what belongs to them and of having those boundaries respected. It’s also well established that children of divorce and separation often attach more emotional importance to possessions, because those items provide stability, continuity, and a sense of control when so much else has changed.

The father bought his daughter a good piano because she is Grade 5 ( a great grade for that age) and needs an instrument to practice. When the issue arose, the stepfather even suggested buying another piano for the younger children - a perfectly reasonable solution - and the OP refused. Insisting that the younger children use the daughter’s piano isn’t about fairness or generosity. It’s about the OPs convenience at the daughter’s expense.

Its not the OP's father that is being controlling here, it is to OP by trying to force her daughter to share gifts from her father. The fact the piano is in the OP's house doesn't change who owns it or why is was bought.

Thats the answer

Nobody seems to be thinking about the harm being done to the OP’s daughter.
The piano was a gift from her father to her. It was not a household gift bought by the OP for all the children to share if they decided to learn. That matters
then it needs moving to her bedroom so that the family can have a family piano in the family room .

Agree. But that's not the route the OP has gone down. It's the Ex controlling narrative because the new children can't use what the ex buys for his daughter.

because no-one and i mean NO-ONE would tell someone a piano in their home was for one persons use.

That is absolute bullshit, and you know it is.

The dad is damaging his daughter by trying to create a wedge with his half siblings.

she has two homes - she can keep the gift in the one with no siblings if she doesn’t want to share it.

as pp said - if the dad bought her a play house or a big trampoline would the OP have to buy second ones for the siblings? If her husband bought a piano for his kid would it be fair for him to stop her daughter using it? he needs to keep the large gifts that can’t be put in her room and mean the family can’t get their own

she lives in a family home and he is actively discouraging her from acting like a family member

the piano is actually irrelevant in all this tbh - it’s what it signifies

The would if it was gift from that child's father. The father has no obligation to buy communal use gifts for children that are not living with him and otherwise have nothing to do with him. A musical instrument is for that person. The fact the family is blended is relevant here for all of the reasons I have explained.

And the mother is not obliged to keep the gift in a communal area and can insist it be kept at the fathers

Your ex is being ridiculous.

Move piano to DCs bedroom or piano goes to dads and you buy one for the family to use.

This would annoy me so much, a piano is too big to only be allowed to be used by one person in the family.