Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

It’s her house, but it’s his piano, and he absolutely gets to say that her younger children cannot use it.

OP isn’t entitled to assume control over it because it’s at her house. She isn’t keeping it there as a favour to him, and he isn’t keeping it there as a favour to her. It’s there specifically for their shared daughter to use, not to be communal property.

OP either accepts this, or she has it removed. She’s decided on the former.

It sounds like we have a future musician on our hands. I wish her all the best.

Your house, your rules. He can make arrangements to collect it from you and you can buy/lease/keyboard if he is that bothered.

I think if your daughter goes along with her father’s petty shit, she should pay the price. It’s unacceptable to have a piano in your house that her sister is not allowed to play. I wouldn’t let my ex poison her mind and turn her into a little bitch, personally.

Everyone who is serious about learning piano can use the piano, or nobody can.

He has a house, and he can keep it there. It is very controlling to expect to have a say on what goes on with things at the ops house. Next he will help her put a lock on her room and say of course she can lock her room in her mums house. It’s like giving them an ipad and then telling mum it’s dds ipad she can play Fortnite for 7 hours a day and the siblings can’t touch it. Picture that if iPads were the size of a piano and the other dc had to see it every day.

Then it’s controlling of Op to think she’s entitled to decide that her younger children can use his piano when it 1, wasn’t given to OP, and 2, is there specifically for their shared child to use.

She isn’t storing it there for his benefit, any more than he’s allowing it to be kept there for hers. They both agreed that it could be there for their daughter to use. It wasn’t given to ‘them’ (and may not have been given to anyone - allowing someone to use something at their main residence is not the same thing as giving it to them), and it’s not OP’s property.

Tell him to come and take it back!

I think you're doing the right thing in a tough predicament op. Your younger child is hardly hard done by with a decent key board and lessons. It's not worth going to war over. Even though your ex did a shitty thing maybe its not a bad thing for your eldest to have this precious thing that is just for her. As you said, you can see how things unfold.

Yes, it will be interesting to see if the girls have any sort of relationship when they are older. Most people wouldn't want to do a social experiment on their small daughter but this OP does.

Imagine if it is the middle child that has the musical talent - despite playing on an 'inferior piano'.

I commented earlier on in the thread, having related to the situation somewhat.

I have now realised that this is about a particular piano, planted in the OP's house, and designed to sow discord between the siblings.

A baby grand piano taking up significant space in your home, that nobody else can touch, causing issues.. is absurd.

Your ex knew this though.

You think it’s fair enough. Bloody hell. That says a lot about you!

Indeed. Who tf buys a baby grand for someone else's house?

Thank you for your input - you have your opinion, I have mine which I’ve formed after reading the OP’s post and others’ comments.

The problem is the OP doesn’t have space in her house for 2 pianos. Particularly as the one her ex has bought dd1 is very large.

The OP has 2 children who have piano lessons. She has space for 1 piano and it is perfectly possible for both children to use the same piano for lessons and practice. If DD1s piano is not available for both children to use then it needs to go to be replaced with one both can use. DD1 isn’t 5. At 12 she’s old enough to understand this.

Either “her” piano is shared or it is replaced with a shared piano. That the shared piano will be inferior may be a factor but at 12 she’s can make that choice.

Grade 5 is good for a 12 year old - it’s about low GCSE level. Grade 8 is about A level equivalent and has UCAS points. But it’s not exceptionally talented and unless she’s only just started doing the grades, it’s unlikely this is something she’s going to make a career from. As such, is her hobby worth damaging her relationship with her siblings over? Is a hobby that she’s good at but not going to be professional at worth giving your ex so much control?

actually @Dazedandconfusec- worth thinking, who’s piano is it? If it’s your ex’s it needs to go. If it belongs to DD1, she, not her father makes the decision.

offer her the choice - don’t speak to him. Does she want to keep this very good piano and share it or it’s given back to her dad and she has a shared piano you have bought she can use as well as her sibling. She has to make this choice as you don’t have space for 2 and ask her, did she think it’s fair she gets to learn how to play the piano but her sister doesn’t? If it’s DD’s piano it’s DD’s choice, she might not like her choice but she’s got to make it.

It isnt treating her like a 2nd class citizen but learning on a keyboard is not the same. A digital piano would make way more sense, weighted full size keys is a must IMO. You can get ones that arent on permanent stands so easy to move around (a bit like a keyboard). We have a fixed one in our lounge then DS has another one upstairs on a portable stand. Has the added benefit of being able to put in headphones.

Oh and your ex sounds like a complete arse. He cannot dictate who uses stuff in your house, nor should your daughter.

The daughter absolutely should dictate who uses her things

She has very likely gone to dad and been upset that her piano is being used by others, its hers. He's told her to keep the key

OP has found a solution in any case

Its not like a private 'thing' IMO, it takes up half a room that belongs to the OP. I dont agree with you on this but thats fine of course.

Why is the size imp;ortant

If a young person had a moped or bike, do the siblings get carte blanche to just use that if they're learning as well?

The moped wouldn’t take up half the sitting room and its presence wouldn’t stop the other siblings having one of their own. It’s not analogous.

Absolutely agree with this. DD1 needs to make this choice.

If she’s upset with being forced into the choice, she needs to take it up with her father, if he’s the one driving it. If she’s started this by complaining to him that she doesn’t want to share, she needs to recognise that actions have consequences, that selfishness negatively affects others, and she can reflect on who she wants to be.

It looks like there are some inconsistencies in this thread. OP title is that her ex is giving rules, but doesn't actually mention he has said anything. Then in another post she states she believes he DD doesn't want to share but wouldn't say this to her. So it sounds like the only reason the ex has said anything is because DD has probably said something to him ,and maybe even asked him to talk with OP. Does ex actually have a problem with the younger kids using the piano or is he just saying so for DD?
OP says her husband thinks they should buy another one for their child. OP says she doesn't want to because of space etc, which i completely agree. And would cause a division. But then says she can't afford to buy one of the same quality, or even offer ex some money towards the existing piano. But will consider it if the younger child reaches grade 2...
I think there is already a division and simply the elder DD does not want to share her piano. She has told dad, who has told OP and I'm not sure he would even know younger DC was using the piano if the elder DD did not tell him. If elder DD didn't mind there would be nothing to tell. Not entirely sure it's the ex fault here.

Very good points here about the relationship between the siblings.

Its in the OPs house taking up so much space she can't get one for the other DCs. What households have a piano each for kids to practice on FFS. What you are comparing this to makes no sense.