Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

Your other daughter will just need to accept that at some point she has a different family dynamic.

I am absolutely sure that even at her tender age, she's aware they have different dads.

But as PPs have said, the idea of claiming exclusive rights to a frigging piano in the family home is nuts and really destructive, which is why this dickhead is doing it. He's trying to drive a wedge into the family to punish OP for not dying of love for him, and to ruin the sibling relationship because he wishes the sibling didn't exist.

Why don't you buy a keyboard for your younger daughter?

Sorry there might be some confusion... I might be wrong but I thought you said you were considering buying your younger child a piano. I thought you said your ex bought the piano for your DD, so instead of buying another i wondered if it was possible to give your ex half or some money then both children can use the piano. Sorry if I misunderstood what you said @Dazedandconfusec

It's a piano in a sitting room in the house. No reason why everyone should not use it. It's not an oboe or a clarinet or even a violin, which one would not expect to share.
It could be moved into DD's bedroom, perhaps?

You physically cannot have a piano that only one person in the house is allowed to use. That is fucking bonkers.

Your eldest will be fine practicing on a cheaper piano, the keys are all in the same place.

Tell him either its shared or its out.

Put your bloody foot down for the sake of ALL your children. Otherwise, you will for sure come to regret it.

I think the piano needs to go and any gifts your ex wants to buy his daughter need to be ones that can be kept in her bedroom.
I understand his point that it was bought for his daughter, and I can see her being annoyed that a younger sibling is being allowed to access it (imagine if this was a smaller toy most people would say it's not fair to make them share). An item this size obviously does need to be for the family to use and currently that isn't likely to happen so he needs to remove it/sell it and you and your husband need to buy a piano/keyboard what ever you can afford for your household that all children can use.

Anyone in the house can play a piano unless they are "playing" it in a way that will break it. If you ex bought that piano and doesn't want your other children playing on it he can have it moved to his house at YOUR convenience and HIS expense. If you bought it, he has no say and can buy your daughter (his daughter) one for her exclusive use at his house. Unless you let your younger children play it by walking on it....?!

No, that isn’t the same thing as giving it to her. He allows her to have it to use in her main residence. That does not mean he has legally relinquished ownership of it (and I’m sure he has all the necessary paperwork to prove that it belongs to him). OP isn’t at liberty to assume ownership of it because it’s in her house or is being used by her daughter.

She may have gone to her father about her sister using it in the first place. I’m sure at 12 she knows her father could have it moved to his, and that may be her preferred outcome if her mother insists on it being used communally. She likely to blame her mother if the piano gets moved, not her father. Rather than encouraging sharing, forcing the issue could instead result in her daughter resenting her and her younger siblings, and encourage her to do exactly what OP doesn’t want her to.

Yes, she could make the decision to live with her father no matter what, but that doesn’t mean that OP wants to do anything to encourage this happening.

@Dazedandconfusec a good keyboard is the way to go. They may lose interest before they get to grade 2.

“If I took away this piano forcing my daughter to use an inferior one, what would I say to her?”

You’d tell her that it’s unfortunate that her dad has forced this situation to happen by not allowing her to share the piano, and you wish it wasn’t the case and best to talk to her dad if she’s unhappy about it.

I mean, it's a crappy situation, for everyone here (except for the ex). But calling any replacement an "inferior" piano isn't very fair on your younger children, when they will end up learning on a keyboard or other "inferior" option.

What exactly does your 12yr old want? She doesn't want to share it? If she goes to Uni, does she expect it to sit taking up space in your living room, remaining untouched and unused? It's all quite frankly ridiculous. Your ex knew exactly what he was doing when he bought her a BABY GRAND!

Agree! You want a piano in the house for everyone to use. If she won’t share hers then a new communal one needs to be bought.

I really think that you are worrying about this too much - take a step back maybe and think what you would say to a friend in the same position. It would probably be that it needs to be shared. I think you are worrying too much about an “inferior” piano. Your daughter is grade 5, not a world famous virtuoso!

I agree, and she's backed into a corner. I don't think taking away the piano her daughter loves is really a solution, and I don't think forcing her to share is. I don't know what I would do except be really fucking annoyed at him.

The 'inferior piano' stuff I don't really agree with, although they are at different stages with different levels of passion. But I also don't agree a piano needs to be communal when it's one daughter's literal possession and belonging!

Second hand or electronic pianos are not expensive, tell him the one he bought has to go to his house and buy one yourself. How dare he deliberately build up resentment berween sisters? Nasty controlling prick.

Never would this happen in my house nor should it in yours , he’s encouraging her to fall out big style with siblings creating jealousy and future fall outs and recriminations, what an a to do that!

His house his rules he can take it there, but no way would I be agreeing to this.

I'm really glad you've found a solution that you're happy with @Dazedandconfusec . It may also be the case that this big issue caused by your ex will blow over and your DD may not mind her siblings playing the piano if she's no longer being scrutinised. I do think you should keep an eye on the messages your DD is getting from her dad. He sounds bitter and resentful. Don't let him cause ructions in your family. He's bigging her up to put distance between her and her siblings. Sadly, it's not a very original move.

Really? Are you the ex?

You can pick up 2nd hand pianos quite cheaply. Get advice from your piano teacher and your ex takes the expensive piano to his house. I have seen a similar to my very unremarkable but perfectly adequate piano for sale in an antique market for £200. I learnt to play on it as an adult, needs a tune but I don't play it now

I second this. I really wish I had bought a digital keyboard with weighted keys and all the brilliant functions that let the kids use headphones, record, work through Apps do they can self teach etc and popped it in their bedrooms when ours were younger (admittedly would have been a bit of a squash and a squeeze). If they get into it, they are amazing kit to progress independently until a certain grade and then alongside so they get a feel for real keys and do their grades on an actual piano. And hopefully once both kids are older and more mature and the youngest is excellent too, then the issue resolves itself.

How is playing a normal piano a “disadvantage”? Yes playing a baby grand is nice, but playing a piano at grade 5 level is about correct hand placement and technical skills which are the same in fact probably MORE skills required on a bog standard piano… you are kidding yourself that you are in any way being fair. And I suspect you know that. Maybe you feel guilty you can’t give your dd a mum and dad in the same home? But you are “othering” her in your family unit by your choices and she is embracing that which is not healthy for the future sibling relationships she has…

The man would not be controlling what goes on in my house.

Is it not possible to get a locksmith to unlock the piano and then remove the lock - thus making available to everyone in the house?

If you're having to accommodate the piano, then it shouldn't just be kept for one child.

By allowing your ex to dictate who uses something in your house, you are playing favourites.
I have a small home and one child, but if I had more than one, I wouldn’t allow one child to have something that large to themselves. It’s not fair and you can’t go and buy multiple instruments.

He either accepts that as the adult in the home, you will not allow a child to dictate the usage of an item or he picks it up. He’s the bad guy in this, not you.

I don’t really have anything else to say but I will not disadvantage my elder daughter as so many people think I should by getting rid of her piano or even not facilitating her lessons

@Dazedandconfusec You are not disadvantaging your daughter in anyway by giving a G5 level 12 year old an upright piano (baby grands are a bit….tacky, no? Unless you are a proper musician, composing etc).

Doing this means you are kowtowing to your controlling ex-H, and yes, that’s what he is doing here, and pressing your poor daughter to go along with that. What kind of message is that sending her? What does that mean for how you are blending your family? What about your other poor DC, and your DH? What you’re proposing is about the worst for all, all around. You need to reconsider this, maybe speak to friends IRL and your DH to really work through the longer term and more subtle, yes ‘nuanced’ consequences of your supinity.