Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

It would be unfair on her to have to play an inferior piano at my house.

Your ex has still got you by the short and curlies if you believe that. The one who is being unfair is your ex. He is a dog in the manger, he is jealous of your other children, and he is training your eldest to be the same. That's more important than whether she gets to practice on an "inferior" piano.

By all means facilitate the lessons. But keep the piano to herself? No. The person who would be most disadvantaged if you don't knock this silliness on the head is your eldest DD. Your ex is doing a great job using music to drive a wedge between her and her siblings. Right in the middle of your living room.

Your solution isn't particularly good, OP. I'd have a think about a better one.

It would be unfair on her to have to play an inferior piano at my house.

She’s grade 5.

Behave.

I suspect the OP is terrified that her daughter will simply
spend more time at her dads, to be fair. She also hasn’t said what the daughters actual view on this is (unless I have missed it)

I highly doubt it tbh. He allows her use of it at her main residence, but that doesn’t make it her property.

Even if he did, it would be hers. Not OP’s.

At 12, she's fast rising on an age where she may decide to do that anyhoo, piano or no piano.

An electric piano and a keyboard are two different things. If you want your younger daughters to have piano lessons, get an electric piano.

Can you not have a discussion with your daughter about it and look for a solution together? I.e. you don’t have the space for two so if she isn’t willing to share then it may be the case that you will have to just have one in the home for everyone. She may then change her mind about being quite mean with the piano. At grade 5, a lesser piano will not hold her back at all. I got to grade 8 on pretty basic level instruments!

Doesn't it? OP states father bought her the instruments and they are kept at her house.

I'd like to see case law on someone trying to rescind a present in this way.

If OP decides to let her younger child use the piano, I see a difficult situation for the daughter, who will potentially feel compelled to lie to her father when he asks her if she's keeping the piano locked.

The best solution imo is for the piano to go back to one of his two residences where her daughter can use it and the OP buys a budget piano for both kids to play at her home.

Omg, he is an absalute disgrace and should be ashamed of himself.

He is mean and selfish and an utter disgrace. His actions could lead to your younger children feeling like they don't matter due to blatant favouritism.....I understand, your DD is his DD.

Just make sure you communicate to your younger children thier self worth is precious and as their mum you know the best way to do this.

Why is your oldest DD agreeing to this nonsense

Because she's 12! She's not the one pulling thr strings here!

Your ex is teaching your daughter to Other her half siblings in their own home, as if they're something lesser than her, and you're letting it happen/encouraging it.

I don't know how your coverage works, but definitely look into if he's got it insured or would pay that.

I have to update my house inventory every so often in case I have to make a claim and I take pictures when I do my walk through, then stick it in house insurance file.

How would your ex react if your younger DD’s dad bought something in the house and expressly forbade your eldest from using it? He would be angry and upset that your eldest was being excluded and treated unfairly I bet. So why let your ex role model this behaviour for your eldest to copy?

Either he takes the piano to his or you get to say what goes on in your own house no matter who bought what.

No, it says he bought the instruments and facilitates his daughter’s interest in music. OP doesn’t say he bought the piano to give to her.

Why would she feel compelled to lie if she doesn’t want her sister using it? Op said she would prefer to be the only to use it, but wouldn’t feel able to directly challenge OP allowing it. It sounds like she’s instead gone to her father knowing that he can do what she can’t.

The piano leaving isn’t the best outcome for OP. She’s made it clear her daughter spending more time with or at her father’s is not something she wants at all.

You can get brilliant upright pianos for free if you pay costs of removals. It’s about £200 normally. Look online. Plus no one needs a 9k instrument or is going to be disadvantaged without one at grade 5 standard. A decent upright is fine.

I wouldn’t be treating my other kids any differently, I’d be saying he takes the piano away (at his expense)?or it’s a family instrument (of course you’d be making sure the kids treat it properly). If he’s so keen for his DD to do well I’m sure he won’t mind…

The OP said upthread that she thinks DD doesn't really want to share. Well who would? A bit of selfishness and step/sibling jealousy is normal. But that's not the point. Eldest DD has other instruments from her father which are just for her and the OP and family have respected that. So it will do her no harm to learn that some things need to be shared and that her father doesn't get to put things in someone else's living room and then make the rules about who can use them.

The ex didn't tell the OP about this "rule" before she agreed to accept the piano. That's manipulative.

Also the worst thing you can do to a piano is not play it, so in fact your other daughter playing it is doing them both a favour, especially if DD1 is away for a weekend…

I suspect the OP is terrified that her daughter will simply spend more time at her dads, to be fair.

It’s absolutely ludicrous that this would be an outcome, or that the other parent would enable this outcome, simply because a reasonable rule about an item in their own home has been set.

The OP operating on this being an outcome isn’t healthy or helpful for anyone.

The DD is 12. No child should be given this level of power or control.

I agree. But that’s the way some families operate.

My in-laws have this vibe with one of my sisters-in-law. Let them away with absolute murder because they are so terrified of being cut off. It’s infuriating for the rest of us to be honest. But it is what it is.

Except when you take this comment

He sees her often, they have a good and close relationship but and I have to confess I am delighted, that he can’t have her 50:50 as I want her with me.

Why can’t he have 50:50 … court order, job, something else?

Oh, OP, you made a terrible decision there.

OP doesn’t say he bought the piano to give to her.

He HAS given it to her. It's in her house. As I say, I'd like to see how this sort of thing has ever played out in a court (if indeed it has).

Why would she feel compelled to lie if she doesn’t want her sister using it?

Because if OP forces her to share usage of the piano with her sister, then the older girl may feel compelled to lie to her father out of fear he will take the gift/loan/whatevs BACK since his instructions aren't being followed.

She’s made it clear her daughter spending more time with or at her father’s is not something she wants at all.

Well, as I said in another thread, she's 12. Fast approaching the age where that choice will be taken out of OP's hands.

I just can't fathom how/why OP ever agreed to let a baby grand piano over the threshold in the first place. It seems an insane thing to buy for someone on the condition it would have to be kept at his ex wife's house.

I think that's really tough. The piano was a gift to your daughter and she doesn't actually have to share it. Your other daughter will just need to accept that at some point she has a different family dynamic. Your ex is being a wanker all the same.