Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

If he tried to pull the ‘I still own the piano, even thought I dumped it in your house’ shit with me, I’d present him with a bill for storage for all the time it’s been in the house. His piano? He takes responsibility for storing it, then. Two can play that game.

Are you for real????

What does your DD say about it? Is she happy locking the piano and preventing her half siblings from using it?
Tell her that locking the piano is not acceptable in a family home and leave it at that. Who has the key?
If she is worried about what her dad will say, then tell her that is your problem to deal with, not hers.

I was going to say that I could see a scenario where in a standard family unit of full siblings, it wouldn't be unreasonable to request that the non-musical children leave a very expensive musical instrument alone if they aren't interested in learning how to play it properly or treat it with respect. I disagree that it should be treated as an item if furniture for everyone to use.

It is complicated by the fact that this is a blended family, it wasn't bought by you and one of the other children does want to learn.

My suggestion was going to be to find out how your eldest daughter actually feels about it and perhaps try to reach a compromise that if the younger sibling sticks at lessons and reaches a particular grade, then the younger sibling be allowed to use the piano as well.

Lol. Stating the fact of his legal ownership isn’t ’pulling shit’. He hasn’t dumped it anywhere. OP was free to say no to having it, and she can also request he move it if she wants to (no, she can’t just present him with a bill retroactively).

He agreed to allow his daughter to use it at OP’s house, and OP agreed to have it there for said daughter. This arrangement is for their child’s benefit, not either of theirs.

He has two houses, and is not lacking in space for the piano. He isn’t reliant on OP. Arranging it for it to be moved would also require little effort on his part, so OP saying ‘come get it then’ is highly unlikely to phase him.

Anyway, OP has come to a decision.

If it’s in your house then it’s for everyone to play on.

That includes your other children, yourself or any guests.
It does not matter if they can actually play or not.

Tell him to grow up and tell your eldest DD she needs to share.

I can’t believe he’s being so petty over a silly little piano.

OP says her daughter would prefer her siblings not to use it, but isn’t able to tell OP that they can’t. By the sounds of it she’s gone to her father because he is able to tell that to OP.

The person who has the key is either the person it belongs to, or the person that has permission to have it.

Unless daughter thinks the same and doesn’t want to share. It’s a gift he bought for her, so remains her property, just like if it was a laptop or a violin he’d bought her. What if dd wants to practice at the same time as siblings - who trumps who?

Wow, how petty.

A PP gave a great solution earlier. OP offers arsehole ex the money she would otherwise spend on a second piano (!!) so that this one us now jointly owned, and then the younger one can play it.

If he refuses that extremely reasonable offer, then fuck him. OP gets a second key and unlocks the piano when youngest needs it. Eldest doesn't have to defy her father or get involved, it's OP doing it, so if knobhead doesn't like it, he can go to OP about it.

Three piano players of varying levels in this house among other instruments. You might lay claim to a clarinet or even a violin, but a farking personal piano when your sibling is learning too? Give me a break.

They take it in turns, ffs. We've got one piano and three players here, it's not that hard to navigate.

I had something similar when my ex, he offered us a Mac for our daughter and the only place I had to put it was downstairs as family computer. so my son would of used it too The offer was withdrawn really quickly 🙄. Even now I still think about it.... they would of had different logons and can't really see what harm if they were throwing it out anyway.

Op also said she can’t afford to do that.

The daughter is already involved. It’s there for her use, not to be shared with her siblings. She doesn’t want to shared with her siblings, and it’s very likely her dad is acting now because she’s asked him to intervene.

The piano isn’t OP’s property, and she is not at liberty to treat it like it is because she agreed for it to be there (and not for him, but for her daughter). All she can do is have him remove it, or agree to the rules now in place.

Ive read all your posts OP, my feeling is that she complained to her dad and he said 'well lock it then, its yours dont let her use it'

You make some indication that she wouldnt want to share it.

Why should they take it in turns?! Piano is Dds property as it was a gift. Siblings could use it but only when Dd doesn’t.

I think you need to give your dd a choice.

She either lets her siblings use the piano, (agree that they won’t hog it when she wants to practice) or as the piano takes up so much room and if she insists on having her very own piano then you need to make room for 2 pianos in the room and that one will need to go because there isn’t the space for 2

I am more worried about eldest dd turning into a mean spirited spiteful person who will be leaving herself open to mockery by many people over the years to come because of her selfish attitude

Are her clothes for everyone? Can she have her own food? Coat? What about her books and backpack? What about family and life events? If her dad takes her on holiday, is she expected to take her siblings?

That's ridiculous.

Will OP be reimbursing dad if her kids damage the gift eldest's dad bought for her to use? OP obviously agreed at some point to have the piano there. That doesn't make it a shared family item.

OP has admitted her distraction with her new family and moving has really cost her daughter scholastically. If OP had forced the issue, the eldest wouldn't be allowed to have an expensive gift from her own father for her own use. That would teach her some pretty unhealthy life lessons, that she can't have nice things and a really good way to foster resentment against her siblings.

I mean, he’s a complete twat isn’t he? I’m glad he’s an ex. My daughter would have done something like this at her Dad’s request because he was manipulative. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of having a conversation with him. Does she want to lock it? I would have been quite happy to lie to my Dad if I didn’t live with him and say it was locked at that age. As long as I knew no one would grass me up but I suppose encouraging your children to lie is a no no. It’s a funny age 12, I remember my daughter not really wanting to see her Dad but still telling him every single detail of her life with me which he then tried to use against me. It drove me mad.

The piano has been in the house for about two and a half years already. I had no issue with it coming.

This issue has only arisen this term with middle child starting lessons.

I can’t insist he takes it as this would upset my eldest.

I doubt my younger daughter will know how much the piano costs. My elder daughter has lots of opportunities that the younger two don’t. If they ever comment on this in the future they will of course realise that it is because they have different dads.

I do hope that this will work out in a year or two when younger daughter becomes older and more proficient and maybe elder one will be less precious.

Give over…. Mad comment. People have their own possessions and shouldn't be forced to share them just because they live with others.

She won’t , the eldest is growing up knowing that she is the golden child , it is the other two children who the OP needs to worry about . You only need to read a few threads on here to see how this dynamic could play out .

Edit: I am sorry, the following was meant to be in response to this comment:

Give over…. Mad comment. People have their own possessions and shouldn't be forced to share them just because they live with others.

Because that's how you navigate three piano players and one piano! We do it with the bathrooms too. Four of us and two of those, we work it out! We share the guitar too, if you can believe it.

A piano isn't a dress or a toy or a diary even a smaller instrument that you put your lips on. It's huge, expensive and you don't have it personally reserved for one person when others play it too. You can't just get another one; well maybe you can if you're swimming in money and space, but it's an insane solution to a man weaponising it to drive a wedge through his ex's family. Eldest will have plenty of other possessions that are hers alone, the multi thousand pound instrument that takes up half the room is something her sister can also use. God almighty.

Own possessions are things like mobile phones, certain toys etc - things that everyone can have their own of.

There are some things that are shared items eg a PC or printer or a piano, as it’s not feasible to most people to have multiple in their home.

Are you saying OP should get a separate piano for each member of the household?

Even the rich and famous don’t have multiple pianos in one home 😂

Perhaps they do if they're trying to appease an overreacting manipulative dickhead ex...