Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

If it was a smaller instrument like a flute or violin I’d maybe have more sympathy with his pov but it’s bonkers about an item as big as a piano. Think someone up thread said it can go in her room! I doubt it would get up the stairs and also the joists in most houses I’d suspect aren’t strong enough. They weigh a ton!

He didn’t need to spend that much money on a piano for a beginner and then to saddle you with it as an item just for her , is ridiculous. Supposing , as many teens do, she goes off playing next year, or just plays once a blue moon, are you supposed to keep the piano until she moves out, locked and unplayed. When she perhaps goes to uni, what happens to it then? Supposing she lives in a small flat? Presumably he is paying for insurance, repairs, tuning etc. not you? This should really have been sorted before you accepted the piano. It is her piano, you could put it in storage for her until she moves out and buy one they can all play. My guess is though, if you start suggesting he take the piano back or it is to be stored. He will cave and stop being so needlessly petty.

My ex already has a good piano at his house. He is not at this house all the time. I would not want her to have to go to his house to play that piano. She would most likely be on her own there.

It would be unfair on her to have to play an inferior piano at my house.

I have come up with a solution and will see if it’s still an issue in a year or so.

She can’t have a baby grand in her bedroom even if we wanted her to.

A keyboard is NOT a piano.

This is insane. You cannot be expected to have two pianos in your house. So if your ex and your DD want to have your DD play this particular piano in your house, then your other children will have to be allowed to play it too. The smaller instruments are a different matter. I think it is mean not to allow the other children to use them if your eldest DD is finished with them, but not quite the same thing as the piano, as they can reasonably be considered hers.

This is insane.

I wouldn't be buying keyboards or going 2 tube stops to practice or whatever weord inconvenient suggestions are being made.

I'd tell him to back the fuck off and stop trying to fuck up his dds relationship woth her siblings. You get he didnt want his child to have half siblings but she does and he needs to just get on with it.

1 piano is enough.

Just take the key away and say the piano is in our house in a communal space and in our house everyone shares.
Your sister playing on a piano for 30 mins isnt going to wear it out.

Why is your oldest DD agreeing to this nonsense ....

If he really wants to be such a fucker and for some reapsn your dd wants to be a piano hog too. Then the piano leaves the house at his expense and is stored at his expense (either space or £££) and you buy a cheaper piano or keyboard for all 3 to practice on

Your ex is being an utter arsehole, OP.

Firstly, I'd be very careful about letting your elder daughter in any way get the impression that this is an acceptable way to treat anybody. She needs to know that this an appalling way to behave, and exactly why.

What I'd do, frankly, is just laugh in amusement in response to his insane witterings (in a 'you can't possibly be serious about this/have you not got any idea what an utterly selfish and controlling tit you're making yourself look like' kind of way) and promptly ignore them. He can jog on. Realistically what can he do about the situation if you don't pander to him?

A much more cogent way of saying what I was thinking!

Just don't pander to it.

Blimey, that is an insane sized piano to force you to accommodate in your house unless you're living in a mansion.

You must be cheesed off that he did this.

OP's home OP's Rules. OP + DH home = Their Rules. OP home + ExH = He has no say.

Tedious is definitely the word! Bitter bastard too.

You’ve missed one out OPs eldest daughter + ex h = running the household of OP + new husband , which is the one that the OP has chosen .

What you'd say to this is "I don't want to do, this but unfortunately your father isn't being flexible. We have no space for two pianos and it would be crazy, in any case. As a family we share, and it's no hardship to him if your sibling uses it as well. If he can compromise, so can I. I'm more than happy for the piano to stay here, but can't agree to unreasonable conditions. Let him decide where the piano goes'.

She needs to know that HE is the one dictating this, not you. Which is true.

Op has to deal with the reality she has, not the reality she or anyone else thinks she should have. There’s no neat solution here that offers OP what she wants. There’s only a solution she can best live with.

The oldest child can potentially be forced to share, but that isn’t the same thing as her wanting to share, or instilling into her the value of sharing with her siblings as being a good thing. It can instead instill the opposite. Op can want her daughter to share her own mindset, but her daughter is an individual in her own right, and she doesn’t have to.

The children are the same to OP, but they are not the same. Her eldest has a different father, and by the sounds of it that father has got significant wealth that he will use to benefit his daughter. I suspect OP and her husband cannot provide their shared children with the same. Her eldest also has options that her siblings do not - she is at an age where she can choose to spend more time with her father, and may do so if OP tries to force her into sharing with her siblings if she doesn’t want to (and it sounds like OP is well aware that this could indeed happen).

She can only enforce sharing if she’s prepared to accept her daughter spending more time at her father’s house, or even changing her main residence entirely (which would also mean not only losing time with her daughter, but losing the maintenance he pays, and becoming liable for it herself). She’s made it clear that this isn’t something she’s willing to countenance.

It would be unfair on her to have to play an inferior piano at my house.

It's to some degree her choice to do that

Why is she even discussing the stupid fucking piano with him?
Why doesnt she jist say "okay my sisters stopped playing on it"
How would he even know ?

In her shoes id just lie.

If she wants to be a dog in a manger then she gets a crapper piano.

He is being very unreasonable and controlling.

You know what Inhave no idea about insurance. Presumably we should have adjusted ours? I haven’t even thought about it.

I don’t really have anything else to say but I will not disadvantage my elder daughter as so many people think I should by getting rid of her piano or even not facilitating her lessons.

Your ex got your daughter a baby grand for your house? And you don't want it removed so you can fit your own piano because you don't want her playing an inferior instrument? Do I have this right?

That’s fine and that’s your decision but don’t be surprised in years to come when this blatant favouritism bites you on the bum .

Perhaps because she’s told her father that she’s unhappy with her siblings using it, and doesn’t want them to.

Why would she lie if this if her sister not being able to play her piano is precisely what she wanted?

But instead you will do that to your other daughter? This is a really unpleasant message to your younger daughter and your older one sounds quite unpleasant if she thinks this is the right thing to do.

I mean honestly I would just ignore the instruction to lock it! I’d take the key off 12 year old dd and explain to her that it’s your house and your rules and it’s not fair to refuse her siblings use of it. So it just wouldn’t be happening. What’s he going to do? As a compromise I’d be ok with locking it and keeping the key myself and unlocking when it’s practice time, including for the younger ones. I would supervise them on it. I assume his worry is that they will damage it? So I’d make sure that didn’t happen but I wouldn’t be dictated to in my own home.

If ex doesn’t like it I guess he’ll remove the piano and you’ll buy a new one. But he won’t go to that effort realistically.

I would not have let someone else's baby grand over the front door.

It’s his piano.

Why wouldn’t he remove it if OP did that? It would require little effort on his part to arrange for it to be moved and placed in one of his houses.

How is it his piano? He gifted it to his daughter, surely.

I’m sorry, but just spit my tea out at the comment that DD12 ‘should not have to play an inferior piano’… she’s grade flipping 5. She’s not even good enough to audition for a music school at that level (unless she has G8 in a second instrument?). She may love it, she may even have some natural talent but both OP and her ex are being very very precious.

In her shoes, I would have refused to allow the gift at the outset and told him to put the money in a trust fund and IF DD ever reaches Grade 8 and starts to prep for the professional performance certificate or decides to apply to music school/BMus degrees think about buying one then.

Frankly both OP and ex are being snobs and long-term her two daughters will end up with a huge rift between them.