Teenage son 17 horrible to be around

[Dreambigger1]

Single mum, 3 kids, eldest is 17, a boy.

i am finding him an absolute horrible nightmare to live with and have done for the last few years. I’m just after some advice really on how to handle him.

He goes to college and has a part time job with his dad. College isn’t going well at all. Coursework doesn’t get done; no revision for exams etc, I imagine he will definitely fail this year and be thrown off the course. He is dyslexic and potentially the course is too hard for him, but after GCSEs he had to find something to do and he didn’t seem to have interest in anything. GCSEs also didn’t go well, he was disrespectful at school and just a general nuisance.

At home, I am beginning to find him unbearable. I feel almost scared of him, or scared that whatever I do around him will cause a big argument. I feel like his behaviour is trying to prove his dominance to me / around the house.

His room is an absolute state. Maybe 10 wet towels on the floor, piles of clothes on the floor, 10 dirty mugs, rubbish, tissues scattered everywhere.
When he uses the bathroom, leaves clothes on the floor in there.
Goes to the toilet and wees all over the toilet seat. Not just a little bit, it’s everywhere and everytime and never cleans it up. I find that absolutely disgusting.
Watching tv, no matter what time of day, he has the tv ridiculously loud.
Doesn’t tidy up after himself at all. It’s like he hates me and hates the world and wants to be as difficult as possible.

i don’t pay his phone bill or Xbox pass, he pays that out of his own money. I’m not sure what else I can do really to make his life uncomfortable in an attempt to make him change. I feel that he is too old for me to confiscate his phone. Potentially I could turn the wifi off at night, so if he wanted to go on anything he would have to use data.

I feel like he is an abusive husband that I can’t escape, so I’m just looking for advice on how I handle this, get him to change.

Hugs it is hard.

Idk but didn't want to read and run. Period difficulties with my 16 yo. What has helped:

Telling him you love him every day and putting things in the diary just for the 2 of you that he would enjoy.

Remember he's not your ex he's not a man yet he's just a kid struggling with the world who he is and where his place is.

Dyslexia is hard for kids comes along with processing issues and can mean things are harder. Gentle reminders promts rewards.

Asking him outright if something is wrong, if you can help make things better, see if he can get something off his chest.

Use the 5 love languages every day.

Self care when you can you're doing amazing ly it's so hard on your own I know.

Take care

Send him to his dad's? Seems the obvious answer.

Do you have a good relationship with his Dad? Could you work as a team to tackle this?

He needs some serious tough love. Have you tried very serious talk with him and if so what happened?

Seriously I know you mean well but think OP is beyond this approach.

He is being downright disrespectful and is almost a fully grown man.

Yep. It’s always the mothers who are left to deal with the disrespectful sons who treat their mothers like slaves.

The dad is not helpful. The dad is quite disrespectful to me and would laugh about it with our son about how his behaviour is driving me mad.

if I try and talk to my son about anything he starts shouting at me really. I can’t ask about college or life as he just has a go at me. Refuses to speak to me, tells me to shut up etc. If I have a go at him he says ‘shut up you clown’

to be honest I tread on egg shells most of the time around him. We have had big arguments in the last couple of years when phone/xbox was confiscated and he would go absolutely mental trying to get it back off of me, pushing me, trying to snatch it back, trying to trip me over, getting up in my face trying to intimidate me etc.

to the outside world, he is chatty and polite, can hold a conversation etc.

Is dad ex or still with you ? You mention he has a part time job with dad, could he be at dads more, is that what he's aiming for? Some of what you describe is 'normal' for that age of boy (the not clearing up etc) but making you feel afraid isn't. If dad is 'ex' then you need to create a better plan and his dad needs to step up. He's not too old to loose privileges for poor behaviour towards you. I'm a slightly older mum, at 16 ds started 'throwing his weight around' so I literally downed tools and told him to do everything for himself. I also refused to accept anything that even looked like disrespect or violence. His grandad also had a word with him. It's not too late but it's going to be hard work for a bit

In that case he needs to understand that once he is 18 he will be out. This might well have to be a case of booking a locksmith to change the locks when he’s out and boxing his stuff up. You have no duty to house him once he is 18.

I know there’s not much you can do with a threatening 17 year old other than call the police. Removing the phone might work when they’re younger - it certainly did with mine - but my DS17 is a martial arts brown belt and significantly taller and stronger than me. I could hardly make him pick his towels up off the floor. But I could certainly stop doing his washing and getting anything nice in that he likes for good.

If he is not coping with college he should leave. It might be that reassuring him that he can stop going and decide whether he wants to do another course in a year or so will ease some of the tension. I would not focus on his academic qualifications at the moment. They can be reattempted later.

If things don’t improve then I’d start planning to remove him from your home once he turns 18. In the meantime I’d do the minimal tidying up and cleaning to keep my home in reasonable condition and avoid as much conflict as possible.

I do know a family where the nuclear option was deployed and was successful but that was illegal and very risky. The DS17 was not the eldest and his 22 year old DB basically beat him up and let him know that if there was any more bad behaviour he’d do it again. It is truly awful to think that it came to that.

Belter that you get some advice from the police, I think. I’d go to the police station and ask to speak to someone who can advise you on how to deal with a 17 year old male who is verbally abusive and threatening.

It sounds like he has to go. I'm really sorry, it also sounds like the behaviour is down to his dad and him and not you.

All the more reason to send him to live with his dad as it sounds like he gets on well with his dad, even if it's for the wrong reasons.

Good luck.

This is a lad who is on the brink of being a man (not a kid) and to be honest he seems way too disrespectful, inconsiderate and lazy to respond positively and change his behaviour as a result of being told he's loved and hearing “love languages” - whatever they are.

This is disgusting behaviour. It infuriates me that kids (and usually it’s boys following the example set by their father) grow up and think it’s ok to treat their mothers like this.

I’d be making it very clear to him that you will no longer tolerate his behaviour and disrespect and that once he’s 18 you expect him to move out.

Stop doing any washing for him, keep contact minimal. If you can send him to his dads then do it. You deserve peace and safety at home, he’s almost an adult.

Great, they will enjoy living together and you will get some peace.
For reference I have a 19 year old son, his room is messy (but not horrific!) and he has never/would never treat me like your son treats you. We have had very rare arguments but I do not feel 'unsafe' around him even though he is 6'4 and full of muscle. My daughter describes her brother as being like a large puppy!
These Man/Boys we are raising need to know that part of being housed/looked after is reliant on their ability to respect the person in charge of their home comforts.

I would give him notice: shape up or at 18 he's out. If you have other children his behaviour is also harming them.

I have been through it with my son who's now in his 20s. He had to leave home at 20 as I and my other children were traumatised by living with and witnessing his extreme behaviour.

He stopped going to school at 12, got expelled at 14. He was a know it all, had all the answers etc, would eat a week's shopping for four people in one evening, turn all the central heating at 2am because he came home and was cold, invited strangers to an "after party" in my home on a week night. I could go on...

My son too has ADHD and still refuses any treatment.

My situation eventually involved the police and social services.

Don't be afraid to put him out. I regret the lasting damage his behaviour had on his siblings.

Wow I’m really sorry to hear that, but it sounds very similar to my situation. And yes, his behaviour does affect my younger 2 too. He has barely spoken any nice words to my daughter in years. But interestingly when they are with their dad, the younger 2 tell me that the 17 year old behaves very differently - like a different person.

I have suspected my 17 year old may have ADHD.

Then off he goes to his dad full time, if he quits college so be it.

I would send him to his dad's more (anything to give you a break).

The fact he has a part time job is a positive. How long until he is 18? Then you can offload him to his dad or he can make alternative living arrangements.

My relationship with my son now is good, positive.

Although he is tortured by regret for his past behaviour. He has refused to get counselling which I think would help. His siblings and I have had literally years of counselling. (Which cost me a small fortune!).

His siblings love him dearly and now have a fairly strong and positive relationships/ with him.

I found this period of my life to be extremely hard and lonely. No one had any clue what to do as my son's behaviour was so extreme.

Please PM me if you want. You need support. Hugs x

Practical things you can do.
Don't do any washing for him. Show him how to use the washing machine and then leave him to ir.
Give him 2 distinct coloured towels and hide the other towels in your own room. Know someone who kept them in the boot of her car!
Don't ask him any questions about his course unless he brings it up. That is difficult to do but bite your lip. My ds who has diagnosed ADHD & dyslexia dropped out of three different courses until finishing the next one at 24 where he found a job totally unrelated but playing to his strengths and settled down. Anything l said fell on deaf ears so l had to leave him to it. He did do part time jobs just to survive.
Don't go into his bedroom. Tell him if he needs a hand getting it tidy you will help him and then leave it. He will find organisation virtually impossible so might need someone alongside him to get it done.
Tell his dad that at 18 he is coming to live with him. Could he now even stay with his dad two nights a week just to have a bit of peace in the house. Engage with him as little as possible but do be friendly to him each morning/ evening and take advantage of any good periods he has just to chat generally...no rules/ awkward questions just to keep a door open between ye.
Hopefully as he matures this will ease but don't do it past 18 unless there is a change.

@Anicesam He's a lovely young man now. He says of his past behaviours "I was an absolute and entire dick".

My son does still seem to almost save his low moods etc for me. He says that is because he knows that I can take it and will always love him.

@Dreambigger1 it may be that your son knows that his Dad's love/support is conditional so he behaves.

Even though I had to put my son out. I still helped him, met up with him, and provided practical and emotional support.

You love your son, you don't love his attitude and behaviour.

He needs to go to his dad's.

Give him and his dad that option and no other.

I’d tell him he needs to go to his dads, you shouldn’t have to put up with this.

I’d put the onus on him op, say it’s clear he’s not happy living with you and ask him if he’d prefer to try living with his dad for a while? Make it clear it’s not a rejection but a choice he’s old enough to make himself now. Could be a trial thing, he’s welcome to come back if it doesn’t work out etc, or maybe a part time thing like half the week at his dad’s? I’d make it about noticing HE’s not happy, like I say put the onus and choice on him. It might give him a wake up call, plus he can’t then put the blame on you and say you’ve rejected him or kicked him out. He could also say yes I’d rather live with dad, it might hurt but he’s almost an adult so can legally leave home and
do what he wants soon anyway. Make it his choice and clear that his behaviour suggests he’s not happy, he can’t exactly deny everything and pretend he’s happy with the current situation / might force his hand a bit?

Given your update I think he needs to go and live with his dad.