Teenage son 17 horrible to be around

[Dreambigger1]

Single mum, 3 kids, eldest is 17, a boy.

i am finding him an absolute horrible nightmare to live with and have done for the last few years. I’m just after some advice really on how to handle him.

He goes to college and has a part time job with his dad. College isn’t going well at all. Coursework doesn’t get done; no revision for exams etc, I imagine he will definitely fail this year and be thrown off the course. He is dyslexic and potentially the course is too hard for him, but after GCSEs he had to find something to do and he didn’t seem to have interest in anything. GCSEs also didn’t go well, he was disrespectful at school and just a general nuisance.

At home, I am beginning to find him unbearable. I feel almost scared of him, or scared that whatever I do around him will cause a big argument. I feel like his behaviour is trying to prove his dominance to me / around the house.

His room is an absolute state. Maybe 10 wet towels on the floor, piles of clothes on the floor, 10 dirty mugs, rubbish, tissues scattered everywhere.
When he uses the bathroom, leaves clothes on the floor in there.
Goes to the toilet and wees all over the toilet seat. Not just a little bit, it’s everywhere and everytime and never cleans it up. I find that absolutely disgusting.
Watching tv, no matter what time of day, he has the tv ridiculously loud.
Doesn’t tidy up after himself at all. It’s like he hates me and hates the world and wants to be as difficult as possible.

i don’t pay his phone bill or Xbox pass, he pays that out of his own money. I’m not sure what else I can do really to make his life uncomfortable in an attempt to make him change. I feel that he is too old for me to confiscate his phone. Potentially I could turn the wifi off at night, so if he wanted to go on anything he would have to use data.

I feel like he is an abusive husband that I can’t escape, so I’m just looking for advice on how I handle this, get him to change.

I would probably wipe his piss off the toilet seat with one of his fanciest tops. He'd soon learn to use the washing machine.

He's not going to change. He has the genes of his father, who enjoys seeing the OP abused by proxy.

It frightens me what fools and self annihilaters mother's are prompted and coerced into becoming by our culture, e.g, the notion of unconditional love (and love languages and love bombing!) for an abusive, almost adult son.

Where in human evolution does this abusive behavior in the home come from? I can't imagine it does. Motherhood goes on way too long in the nuclear family and many mothers (especially single ones) end up frightened of their sons. Me included.

This type of domestic abusive is rife and there are lots of cases each year of sons murdering their mothers. We need to all wake up to this and stop blaming mothers for the terrible situation they find themselves in.

OP, I'd say get him out soon, don't wait until he is 18. Send him to his father and don't take him back.

Id sit him down and say things need to change, otgerwuse he needs to fi d somewhere else to live.

Write a list and give it to him:
Toilet
Bedroom and bathroom tidy
Respectful

start with the toilet training. If he can't aim, he needs to sit down

This

You invite what you tolerate. Do not tolerate it. Kick him out.

But the OP can’t make the dad accept the son at his house, I suppose she could drop off then refuse to pick up but he’d just drop him back at her door and if she doesn’t let him in it’s on her for neglect. He could also make life difficult for the younger two. I’d say the previous suggestions of asking him if not he’s not happy at her house and asking if he’d like to stay at dad’s. Dad may be more likely to accept the son thinking it’s his idea. But realistically he won’t want to leave OPs house where he can rule the roost. I’d suggest saying if he doesn’t change then is out at 18. At least you can legally put him out,
change locks and get police assistance without ‘neglecting a child’. But i’d expect dad will make the remaining years with younger DC difficult. If he becomes violent before 18 then I would suggest police reporting etc as the younger two are at risk, and SS couldn’t have him at yours due to that. No idea about family courts etc or if they’d remove the younger two as well, not to scare you. I really do feel for you.

'' I’d suggest saying if he doesn’t change then is out at 18. At least you can legally put him out,
change locks and get police assistance without ‘neglecting a child’.''

Is domestic abuse against your mother illegal? Do mother's have human rights? He's the one in the wrong here.

As for 'being done for neglecting a child' - are you serious? I see this as part of the cloak of sentimentality around motherhood. He's no child and the police and social services, if they get involved, will have tons of experience dealing with exactly this scenario. In my experience, the police were the most help.

To be honest, when my son is working with his dad they have staff quarters so he stays there, the dad does have a 2 or 3 bedroom house next to work, but made empty promises about doing the 2nd bedroom up so my son could stay there over the summer holidays last year. He hasn’t bothered to do up the room and so I’m not sure it would even be possible for him to move in with him.
Our children very rarely spend the night at their dads and when they do, it’s in the staff quarters and their dad either stays with them or in his own house on his own.
I doubt the dad would welcome any of our children to live with him because he hasn’t made any of the other rooms in his house habitable for guests.

Absolutely.

It terrifies me what behaviours mothers are expected to tolerate from their sons.

Boys growing up, treating their mothers like shit to the point where the mothers are terrified in their own homes….. it’s just truly unbelievable.

There must be some deep rooted hatred in the souls of boys who get kicks out of treating their own mothers like this and instilling such fear in them. It’s abhorrent.

ADHD that it doesn’t sound like affects him at his dads? Rubbish. He is just being horrid to you.
I’d tell him he needs to make plans to live with his dad as you can no longer tolerate him in the house. Let them laugh together.

Like i said don’t know about family courts or this sort of thing, but i’d imagine if she just turfed him out and didn’t let him back in, she’d be held accountable or the dad would use this against her. He is totally in the wrong, that’s not in doubt. But OP could have the situation turned on her and i doubt dad will be on board. At 17 SS could still have involvement though from what i’ve read about them unlikely 🤷‍♀️ I’m in scotland, you can move out at 16 so not sure how it is elsewhere in UK

You and your children are being abused by him deliberately.
Contact Women's aid for help to have him removed.
State clearly your fear of him.
Ask for the police to be involved.
Put your other children first.

He can live with his father, its not your problem.
Let SS get involved.

Women like you stay in this situation because you want to preserve your relationship with your son.

Once you change your thinking to being prepared to be no contact with your own child, it gets easier.

He is just another abusive man who gets a kick out of bullying you.

As women we do not owe any male our peace and to accept abuse from them.

This is sadly not uncommon.

Send him to his dads. They can be disrespectful to each other without you in the middle.

Sometimes they buck up but it sounds like you need a break.

There is no need for any family court in this situation - that's usually for younger children. The local council are legally obliged to take him into care, usually a supervised hostel, if she, and his father, make him homeless.

The OP is not going to be held accountable, and as I said, the police tend to be good on this.

The undecorated bedroom at his father's workplace sounds ideal. The OP needs to stand her ground.

Why are you advising her to reward this bully?

Are you high? Toilet training a 17 year old young man who is pissing everywhere like a dog to intimidate his mother? Jfc the shit people tolerate breaks my fucking heart. This little pig would be out of my house so fast with the locks changed.

I'd give him written notice that when he turns 18 he needs to come out of the house and list the reasons why. He can use the letter to show the council to try and get a place or be put up in a hostel.

I would also let his father know of the plans and leave it there. Regardless if he has dyslexia and underlying ADHD he knows what he is doing because he is selective in his behaviour.

If he has his own money he can use his data to play his games etc (would definitely switch off the wifi). He acting like he thinks he's a grown man so he can therefore get used to washing his clothes and making his food etc. There is no way I would cook and clean for such a child. Your self respect and the care for the younger children is more important right now. If he complains then just say when he acts decent and politely cleans up after himself then you would be happy to cook and do his laundry but currently he is setting a poor example for his siblings and acting disgracefully towards you and its not going to be tolerated. If he doesn't like it he can leave.

Can't think of a resolution for the toilet seat (i would've removed it if not for the smaller children) but he's actually just disgustingly behaved and its very upsetting to hear.

He knows he is causing you distress which is why he keeps doing it and acts nice elsewhere. Limit your contact with him and please do not feel bad.

As a teacher it beaks my heart to hear such stories but it happens more often than you think. Stay strong and get some support from family he needs to see that you have support and you are strong.

good, all sorted then 👍

no no no. He’s not a kid struggling to find his place in the world he’s abusive!!!!!! Would you want your daughter to be with him? He needs a short sharp shock. Everything taken out of his room. No WiFi or house keys, no food cooked for him etc. boys like this grow into even worse abusive men. Don’t make excuses for this vile behaviour

Jesus Christ what is this utter twaddle. Use the 5 love languages. For heavens sake.

As long as there is glass in the windows, four walls and a mattress on the floor with some bedding that fine.Hes 17 if he wants it painted he can get off his arse and paint it.

It doesn’t have to be “habitable for guests”, his son isn’t a “guest”, and frankly the way your DS treats his home with you then a pig sty would be just fine. He needs to learn to respect his own living space, and by proxy respecting those who have attempted to make his living spaces a nice place to be. Time for some tough love.

Yes, agreed. I'm puzzled as to why he isn't living with his dad already, given that he's a 'different person' at his dad's.

So because the dad wouldn't welcome him, the son gets to behave like a tyrant towards his mum.

If I'd behaved like that to my mum, I would've been hung, drawn and quartered (I'm not even joking). Unconditional love? Don't think so.

I'd go nuclear. Being nice has got you nowhere.

Take his bedroom door off. Take everything out of his room apart from a mattress.

Don't like it? Off you fuck to live with your dad then. Or play nice for a week and have one item back.

You can absolutely refuse to house him, he has a dad who is capable.